I have a perfect uterus..... but no baby......

Well girls, just a quick update- The surgery went well this morning. My RE came out and said my uterus looks beautiful, and the openings/canals leading down to my fallopian tubes both look great. Well isn't that nice? My uterus is perfect, but yet so imperfect that it has not accepted 11 perfect embryos. Ugh.... I can not even begin to express my frustration.

So where we go from here: I wait a month- and hopefully I start on or about Jan. 10th. I probably wont due to I know how stubborn my body is- but nonetheless, I will call him and he will "make" me start. Then we move on to our last fresh IVF cycle. Its scary to think about it- our last one. The money has run out- so this one will be it. And of course we have one more FET with the embryos we make during this fresh cycle.

If these last 2 attempts do not work we will pursue the surrogacy route- with either my mother or a friend. (Maybe this summer).

I am really at the end of my faith and hope- and I never thought I would be saying this. I have truly trusted the Lord my whole life and can look back and see His hand at work in my life- but this thing- this Infertility --has brought me to my knees, to the end of my faith as I question why a loving God whom I have served so faithfully and whole-heartedly would withhold this incredible blessing from us. The Bible says children are a blessing from the Lord- why is He not blessing us? What good possibly comes from my heart and Sweetness' heart aching in this indescribable way??? There are no answers- the silence is deafening some nights.

But we will continue to fight this evil infertility and see if my body will somehow respond and prove me wrong. I love you guys and appreciate all the support- I am just trying to regroup and move on down the road in this journey. I will update again soon.

Love and ***baby dust*** for all of you still struggling also- we are bound together in this pain.

There is a gray film over life

Well we are still here. Some days are better than others. Sweetness and I went to the mall last night and of course had to see a BRAND NEW BABY all dressed up for Santa and fixing to be put on his lap, and of course I just start crying. I looked at Sweetness and said "When will it be our time?" He just put his arm around me and we kept walking......

Nothing about this is fun or fair. I have had some real neat prayer time with friends over the past couple of days and it really means alot. I cant thank you enough to my sweet friends who have taken time out of their lives and cared enough to sit and pray with us and cry with us. I know this will get easier but man it hurts bad.

So today I went for my pre-op visit with my RE. We went over what he is going to do in my surgery Friday, nothing I have not already mentioned here before, and then we will wait a month for me to cycle. So that takes us to Jan. 10th when we will reassess and make me have a cycle if I do not do so on my own. Then we will begin our last fresh IVF cycle under our shared-risk program. Dr. O said he would entertain the surrogate idea with my mom after I have gone through these last 2 attempts and been unsuccessful. I agreed.

I am so not looking forward to any of this anymore- I am burned out and my body is totally spent. I used to be so filled with anticipation- but no more. My RE saw that I am not hopeful at all and he tried to encourage me and said he has plenty of women in my situation and on IVF #5 they got pregnant. I just think I have gone into self-preservation mode and it hurts too bad to have hope anymore. I'm hoping my close friends and the Lord are holding onto the hope FOR me if that makes sense.

I'm sorry I am such a downer right now, I know I will bounce back to my old self, I just need to vent all this stuff out.

Even though this weekend was not so good emotionally, Sweetness and I went and saw some cool Christmas decorations and spent some great time together- so it was not all bad. I DO have the best husband ever- and he makes it all worth while.

Thanks again for my friends that are standing beside us as we walk in this valley, the mountaintop is not far now. Love you guys.

IVF #4- Negative

Well friends, just as I already knew, my beta today was negative. I have sobbed and cried until there are no tears left. I truly don't understand why, maybe I never will, but I do know one thing through all of this. I have an incredible community of friends here on blog.ger and my faceb.ook account. I can not even begin to count how many of you have sent private messages to me and left comments expressing your deep sadness for where we are now. It really means a lot- and I cant thank you enough. I am still reading through all 30 of them- sometimes re-reading them just because they make me feel better!!! :)

So this is the plan...... I am scheduled for a hysteroscopy surgery next Friday, Dec 10th, at 8:30 am. Dr. O will be looking at my uterus, looking for any fibroids, scar tissue, endo, anything he can find that may explain the four failed IVFs. He will also take an endometrial biopsy to see if I have any type of inflammatory situations.

This is not very invasive, so I will have the weekend to recuperate before returning back to work on Monday.

Another interesting thing , is that last night my Mom came over and talked with us for awhile. And if you have not already heard me say this- I really have an angel for a mother- she is such a wonderful person and my best friend. Well get this- she offered to be a surrogate for us!!!!!! I thought it was such a wonderful offer. Because if we could go the surrogate route I feel certain we would have our baby- because we make PERFECT embryos!!!! The issue is clearly with ME- not the embryos.

My mom is a bit overweight- she would need to loose 50 lbs- but other than that she could do this. So she is going to start trying to get ready for this- and meanwhile we have 2 additional attempts we have already paid for that I must proceed with. I mentioned this to Dr. O this morning and he did not want me to even think about this until we finish our last 2 attempts. But they do this often- meaning women that are post-menopausal are able to be returned to a cycling state able to carry a child easily again.

And this may sound desperate0 but hey lets face it-we are desperate. If anyone in my family or friends circle would be willing to be a surrogate for us, we would LOVE to talk with you. If you are still in childbearing age and have had easy pregnancies and would be willing to do this for us- because you want to help us build our family- please let me know. There are several of my friends/family that I feel like could easily be great candidates for us, but it's difficult for us to just out and out ask someone to do this- we dont want to put anyone on the spot. Please prayerfully consider this if you feel the Lord tugging on your heart- and we would honestly never be able to repay your amazing kindness. But I believe something incredibly beautiful can come out of all of this!

Thank you again for your friendship and love and most of all- all the prayers. I know God hears even when our faith has disappeared. We will be parents someday, we just don't know when or how yet.

I'm off to curl up with the most amazing husband ever- with out him, I would truly be lost in this world. Thank you Lord for my Sweetness.

I feel like I am loosing my faith

I am so sad...... I am sitting here at work with tears streaming down my face, and I just wonder why???? WHY????? Why can I not have the joy of a pregnancy, planning for a baby, birth and life with a child of my own????? Why am I putting my body through hell and back and still for NOTHING!!!!! I already know what my beta will say tomorrow...... so please don't try to sugar coat it with "maybe just maybe it will be positive tomorrow". I have thought that myself, and it aches too much to let my heart even try to muster up any more hope.

We still have a fresh cycle that we have paid for, but honestly I don't even want to do it anymore- I am tired of loosing my babies. We have lost 11 now....ELEVEN perfect, healthy babies. Then they are put into me and then they die........ why????

And if one more person says "well you can just adopt"...... really???? Do you have the $30-40,000 needed for that? Do you have it to give to us, after we have already spent well over $60,000 trying to have our own baby????

I know I am being unchristian, ungrateful or what ever you want to call it, but this is how I feel. I am disillusioned with living my life the best way I feel that God wants me to, and I cant have the true desire of my heart. Sweetness is so supportive and yet I know he aches too. I feel bad for telling him how desperate and dark I feel.

I know this is crazy of me to think,. but I really do feel like the Lord has forgotten me or is picking on me. Why does He allow all these women to conceive who don't want the baby, who abort them or otherwise abuse them??? Why does the Lord allow that little life to even be conceived? When we would be wonderful parents and we are continually denied the joy of a BFP. I know, I'll never know the answer this side of heaven.

I'm sorry if I have offened some of you with this post, or if you think differently of me now, but everyone has bad days, and today just happens to be one of my worst.

I don't think any one's heart can be as broken as mine is right now........

I POAS.....

So I could not help myself any longer, and this morning I broke down and POAS.

And it was negative. I am 9dp3dt now, so it should be showing starting today. I am going to try to have an ounce of hope moving into Friday- but not much to be honest. This whole thing is so unfair.

8dp3dt

I must say the 2ww is going by faster than I thought it would. But I just wish I could stay positive throughout the whole 2ww. My positivity waxes and wanes with each breath. I am trying very hard not to POAS, and just wait for the beta on Friday, but its so hard waiting- knowing that one small blood test could totally change your life.

But I know it is all in the Lord's hands now, and maybe just maybe I have 1,2 or THREE precious little ones settling in........ be still my heart.

Ill let you guys know for sure! Until then thank you for the prayers.

5dp3dt

I'm still here....trying so hard to be positive but it so hard sometimes.

I survived Thanksgiving with my crazy family- I stood outside for hours and felt some cramping "down there" so I thought maybe this was working...... so I rested the rest of the night.

Now we are finally home and just relaxing all day. I about had a stroke last night as Auburn killed my Alabama boys....not a good weekend of football!

I must call this week to set up my beta test- Not sure when it is actually, I think Friday...... I will probably pee on a stick before then, so I will keep you posted. Happy Holidays ya'll.