BFN

Yep, just as I said, the blood test today was a B F N

There just really are no more words right now.....

A very hard weekend....

I'm not gonna lie- this weekend was so tough. After the realization on Thursday that we have lost yet another 3 babies, I have been just crushed. I mean Thursday evening, I literally had a breakdown. No one can grieve for my babies but me- but they were MY babies. We have now lost 8 perfect babies. I guess one of the hardest things to think about right now, is that there is a very good chance these babies or any baby that we lost, would have survived if put into a working uterus!
Yes we do still have 3 more attempts that we have paid for, however I don't want to get to end of it all- and have no embryos left and no live baby! So we have tentatively decided to begin looking at surrogacy and/or adoption.

My sister-in-law Laura has offered to be a surrogate for us, but she lives in Pennsylvania and she is older (47 I think). So we are exploring some other family that might do it for us as an incredible gift. In my heart I would have loved for my life-long best friend Kate to be a surrogate for me. However 2 months ago today, we parted ways. It really hurts some days when I want to talk to her, but then again she was never available when I needed someone to talk to, and very secretive about everything. It evolved into something that was no longer a BFF relationship. I know that this has been for the best- emotionally I am much more calm, but you still miss someone after you are so used to them being in your life.

So tomorrow is the official beta- but we already know the outcome. It was suppose to be today, but today was the first day of school and I could NOT be late. So I will mosey on in in the morning, and have blood drawn just to receive the dreaded call tomorrow afternoon.

My soul just aches to hold my baby. When will it be my turn Lord, when??????

I would die for that

This video really says it all for me. Every word of this is true for me- we all know some who have chosen abortion, and we CAN NEVER understand why? We would give anything to have what they had. We have all known people who would make extremely great parents, and the Lord does not bless them with a child.... we just dont understand what God's plan is.

This video is my cry today. Lord please hear me! This ache is so great, I feel like I am being crushed underneath the weight.

No second line....

So.... there was no second line on the strip this morning. Yeah I feel depressed, angry, hopeless, confused and just plain tired of all of this. I know a baby would be so worth it in the end, but this is so hard on my body.

I am sure by Monday I will have totally accepted my fate, before the beta test. Thank you for the prayers and well wishes, it helps to know someone else is on this terrible road of infertility too.

I am trying not to loose my faith, but man this is THE hardest thing I have ever gone through. I DO believe He has a reason, and a purpose, but when your heart aches so badly you could just cry at any moment, you wonder what is so good about this purpose??? One day I hope to find out....

8dp3dt

Well still no second line- but some other blogs I follow that used these same test strips I am using, started to see her second line at 9 days past transfer. I am 8days today. I am trying so hard to be patient, so hard to trust. I have always found it hard to be still; so one of the verses I have recited most of my adult life is to "Be still and know that I am God."

I know He sees me, I know He wants the best for me, even though some days I just don't understand! I scheduled my beta test for Monday morning at 7:30 am. Hopefully I can get back to school by 8 am- it is the first day of a new term so I can't be late!! Then I should know the results Monday afternoon.

Thank you all for the wonderful support. It means the world to us! Hoping for a faint second line in the morning.....

It's raining inside.....

So it's 7am, and I am already sitting at my desk at work. It is pouring down rain outside..... but oddly I feel like it is raining in my heart. I am such a mixed bag of emotions right now. I know I must trust the Lord, but I feel so sad, like this didn't work, then I go back to "it's too early to tell yet." It daunting really how much my emotions can change.

I was driving to work this morning and just started tearing up, wondering if God really does see me? Out of all the billions of people in the world, does He see my broken heart? Does He really care about me having a baby? My head wants to cry NOOOO!!!! But my heart knows what I believe and I am forced back to it time and again.

I think my good friend having her baby the other night kind of reiterated it to me how sad I am waiting for MY turn. It seems no one in my family or that I know IRL can relate at all. They all have at least ONE child. We would take JUST ONE!!

So enough of my pity party, I have students to teach and they are expecting a happy, cheery Dr. M!!!

And just now, as I was typing this, Sweetness just sent me the following text message: "Babe, our time will come and God will reward you for your faithfulness. Just remember all the positive feelings that you've been experienceing that you havent felt before and focus on nothing else. I do love you more than anything else."

WOW!!! What an awesome reminder from the Lord of the bessings I DO have in my life. I still have freinds out there waiting to find Mr. Right, so I consider myself to be truly blessed indeed.....

A Blog lift

Just wanted to let ya know that I got myself a blog lift over the weekend. I loved my old header so much, but it needed a change and so did I!!! So voila!!! Hope you likey~ it really makes me happy!

Still no elusive second line ladies...... but I am only 6dp3dt, so I know it should start showing up around day 9. Believe me if anything changes I will let you know!!!

Thanks for the prayers.

Oh!! And congrats to my special friend Robin and her hubby Mark on Welcoming their precious daughter into the world last night!!! Brehana Marie Munley was 7lbs 7oz, and is perfection!!!!