Our first call about adoption.

Yesterday we made our first call about adoption! I still am having some mixed feelings about adoption, but I want to explore it and see what may come of it. I don't want to close off any door that may lead to the child God has for us. They are sending lots of information to us, and we start by attending an informational meeting on Sept 21st.

I asked about the time frame, and she said for a white baby- the wait is about 18 months; for a mixed or black baby- the wait is significantly less. So we will let you know how all this goes. We want to start our home study and try to get the clock ticking now because we know this is a long process.

No we are not completely done trying to get pregnant with our own biologic children, but we also don't want to wait until that is all done and THEN begin the home study. We are ready to be parents, any way that the Lord makes it possible.

Thank you for continuing to pray for us, our hearts, and our family in waiting.

Oh and PS- Earl was a total dud! Just a rainstorm, nothing else. All that hoopla for nothing!

Preparing for Earl to pass through....

Well ladies, I am still here, I know some of you were wondering if I am ok. The answer is yes and no. I mean life always goes on, the world doesn't stop for my broken heart. So in one sense I am fine; but in another sense I am so broken, so depressed, so over feeling like this. Why Why Why???? I guess I will never know this side of heaven, but seriously, this literally grieves my heart.

So when the doc called with the beta results, she said she is so puzzled, that they can see NO reason why I am not pregnant yet. Really? Well something is up!? She said in two months we can do a FET with our 3 frozen embies. Then if that does not work, we will do our last fresh IVF cycle and shoot for a 5-day transplant. I have never had a 5 dt but I know so many that have gotten pregnant with a 5 dt. So in the meantime, we wait..... and we live our life!

Onto other news, you know Hurricane Earl is baring down on us here on the east coast. So the prediction is it will start raining by 6pm tonight, then it will get really bad from 3-8am tomorrow. So I moved my class from starting at 8am until starting at 9:30 am - hopefully that's enough time for them to call school for the day or not. I could really use a 4 day weekend with my Sweetness.

And again let me just say, that I am so thankful for my amazing husband. He truly is SO wonderful. I know many women must feel that way about their husbands, but I mean he is almost too good to real! I am so thankful for his support, his love, his friendship and his spirit! I love you Sweetness!! Thank you for loving me through all of this....... how could I ask for more?

BFN

Yep, just as I said, the blood test today was a B F N

There just really are no more words right now.....

A very hard weekend....

I'm not gonna lie- this weekend was so tough. After the realization on Thursday that we have lost yet another 3 babies, I have been just crushed. I mean Thursday evening, I literally had a breakdown. No one can grieve for my babies but me- but they were MY babies. We have now lost 8 perfect babies. I guess one of the hardest things to think about right now, is that there is a very good chance these babies or any baby that we lost, would have survived if put into a working uterus!
Yes we do still have 3 more attempts that we have paid for, however I don't want to get to end of it all- and have no embryos left and no live baby! So we have tentatively decided to begin looking at surrogacy and/or adoption.

My sister-in-law Laura has offered to be a surrogate for us, but she lives in Pennsylvania and she is older (47 I think). So we are exploring some other family that might do it for us as an incredible gift. In my heart I would have loved for my life-long best friend Kate to be a surrogate for me. However 2 months ago today, we parted ways. It really hurts some days when I want to talk to her, but then again she was never available when I needed someone to talk to, and very secretive about everything. It evolved into something that was no longer a BFF relationship. I know that this has been for the best- emotionally I am much more calm, but you still miss someone after you are so used to them being in your life.

So tomorrow is the official beta- but we already know the outcome. It was suppose to be today, but today was the first day of school and I could NOT be late. So I will mosey on in in the morning, and have blood drawn just to receive the dreaded call tomorrow afternoon.

My soul just aches to hold my baby. When will it be my turn Lord, when??????

I would die for that

This video really says it all for me. Every word of this is true for me- we all know some who have chosen abortion, and we CAN NEVER understand why? We would give anything to have what they had. We have all known people who would make extremely great parents, and the Lord does not bless them with a child.... we just dont understand what God's plan is.

This video is my cry today. Lord please hear me! This ache is so great, I feel like I am being crushed underneath the weight.

No second line....

So.... there was no second line on the strip this morning. Yeah I feel depressed, angry, hopeless, confused and just plain tired of all of this. I know a baby would be so worth it in the end, but this is so hard on my body.

I am sure by Monday I will have totally accepted my fate, before the beta test. Thank you for the prayers and well wishes, it helps to know someone else is on this terrible road of infertility too.

I am trying not to loose my faith, but man this is THE hardest thing I have ever gone through. I DO believe He has a reason, and a purpose, but when your heart aches so badly you could just cry at any moment, you wonder what is so good about this purpose??? One day I hope to find out....

8dp3dt

Well still no second line- but some other blogs I follow that used these same test strips I am using, started to see her second line at 9 days past transfer. I am 8days today. I am trying so hard to be patient, so hard to trust. I have always found it hard to be still; so one of the verses I have recited most of my adult life is to "Be still and know that I am God."

I know He sees me, I know He wants the best for me, even though some days I just don't understand! I scheduled my beta test for Monday morning at 7:30 am. Hopefully I can get back to school by 8 am- it is the first day of a new term so I can't be late!! Then I should know the results Monday afternoon.

Thank you all for the wonderful support. It means the world to us! Hoping for a faint second line in the morning.....