What if your healing comes through tears????

Hi. Its been a HARD week. Probably one of the hardest yet in this infertility journey.

As I type we are on our way out of town to Harpers Ferry, WV to go to Sweetness' best friend's wedding tonight. He and I have needed a get away of sorts, away from our everyday surroundings and just enjoy life again.

I have been constantly hearing this song on K-Love, and the line gets me every time I hear it- "What if our healing comes through our tears?" It just sticks with me, but after all the tears I have shed over this, you would think I was healed at this point. But the song's overall message is that all these trials in life could really be Mercies in Disguise. I hope you enjoy the song as much as I do.




One last thing- please pray for us as we meet birthmom L tomorrow in Pennsylvania for the first time. She is not coming back with us this weekend. She promised she would come on July 24th, but I will believe it when shes actually there. She just has a million excuses so we are trying to be patient and let her come in her own time- as long as she gives birth in Virginia!

I will update on the visit as soon as I can. Love you guys!

The most gut-wrenching day yet......

Ladies I have some very tough news to share with you. Last night Sweetness and I had to make a very VERY tough decision that may shock some of you. But we cancelled the surrogacy last night. WHY? is probably going through your head right now.

Well let me explain. We were depending on my Mom to take out a loan to help us pay the surrogate. Well things have happened to her job and she is now unable to help us in this way and she wants to so badly. So this makes the financial situation we were in even worse. There just is no way this was going to happen financially. The last thing I wanted to do was to get the surrogate pregnant and then can't pay her. We agonized over this for several days. I lost so much sleep and I wasn't eating at all and was getting physically ill from all the stress, not to mention I was stimulating my ovaries and was feeling so ill from all that medicine. So we finally made the most difficult decision yet to date in our infertility journey.

I knew when I made this call that I was determining that I would never have a biological child of my own. This was our last ditch effort and now its over. To say this was difficult would be an understatement. I started crying as soon as my surrogate answered the phone. She was as kind as she could be. I know I caught her off guard as she was not expecting this at all- AT ALL. She was gracious and said she didn't hate me and that was all I could ask for. We are going to send her a monetary sum to thank her for her time and energy put into this effort with us. I hope one day she and I can still be friends, and I think that will happen but she just needs a little time.

So I sobbed and sobbed as Sweetness held me, he cried a tear or two himself and we realized we had come to the end of our infertility journey. This is not at all how I thought this would end but it is what has happened and I am trying to embrace it as best I can. So I stopped all medicine and will just let my follicles do whatever they want to do.

The adoption with my nephew's baby is still a possibility, and this weekend we are going to meet birth mom L, and hope she comes back to live with us, but right now she is torn. So we will see how it goes. But in my heart I know she can change her mind too and then we must accept our fate of being childless. We are truly DONE with the infertility road. We can not do it anymore. It has high jacked our life, our marriage, our finances and our emotions. Its time to reclaim all those things and try to be content in where we are.

We covet your prayers as we begin to transition from a life of medicines, cycles and a roller coaster of emotions constantly to something more normal and calm. I will update after this weekend and let you know how it all goes and what the outcome is with L. Please pray for our safe travels and I thank you all again for your friendship!!!

Focusing on the surrogacy......

Hey ya'll!!! Sorry it has been so long since an update- as you can imagine we have been SUPER busy.

I will start with the surrogacy. Tomorrow is finally Baseline Day!! I thought the day would never come! I go got the clinic at 8:30 am and get my US and blood work and we begin the stimulation to get my eggies that hopefully will settle into my surrogate for 40 weeks!!! My surrogate called last night and she said the Lupron is making her crazy hormonal too. I am SOOO happy this morning was my last day on that evil stuff!!! So I will update as we continue to move forward with this process..... its finally here!!!

Now onto the Adoption. I don't even know where to begin.... L our birth mom is so young and sweet, she really is, but her immaturity level is shocking to me. She only wants to text, never talk on the phone like normal people. She wants to text for like 3+ hours a night and I just cant do it anymore. Well Saturday night, she had for the past 4 nights set a time to call me, and of course she didnt call with no reason why. So I texted her and told her that she needs to remember that I have feelings in all this too. She starts her drama with "I'm a horrible person" "I'm crying my eyes out" etc. So after all that settled down, I thought I had made it clear to her that I WANT to talk to her but I have a life too and I can not just sit on the phone all night texting!!!

So then the next 2 nights she does the same thing- no call when she says she was going to, and last night I had reached my limit- I actually called her- and of course she would not answer. I "TEXTED" and ask her what was wrong, why were we doing this? She never responds, then I start crying thinking its all happening all over again, she's changed her mind etc. I pretty much begged her to call me last night and let's settle this- I was an emotional wreck and needed to know what was going on. Well she never called. Thankfully last night was my monthly meeting with my infertility support group. these ladies are awesome and reminded me of what I was dealing with and that she can't possibly understand what I AM FEELING.

I felt much better when I left there- they encouraged me to just focus on the surrogacy and getting good eggs. So I came home and snuggled with Sweetness and prayed and cried as I finally fell asleep. Then this morning she texts me with "I almost died last night okay? I got hit." I frankly don't believe her because its always so much drama. So I texted her back and asked her point blank "Are we still doing this adoption? Has something changed for you? Just tell me now please." She wrote back that we are still doing the adoption and she doesn't know why I am thinking that....... So I finished by saying that I am done with the texting. If we are going to do this adoption- and it be an open adoption like she wants- then we need to stop the drama and act like adults. Comically she responded with "What drama?"

REALLY???? I have not responded to that text and I'm not. I am going to try to focus on the surrogacy and pray that the Lord's will be done in this adoptive situation. We have pretty much gotten the nursery all done. We are waiting for the crib we ordered to arrive this week and then put on all the pretty bedding we bought. Below is a picture of her bedding, it's called "Posy" by FAO Schwarz. You can see the newly painted walls behind it, the mobile still in the box and some wall art. her crib and new dresser are all white wood to match the frame and changing table. Its going to be super duper cute!!! Hope you guys like it!!

We also have done some shopping for the baby- we have really been so excited- I have heeded all my friend's advice and bought almost no newborn clothes, except this one- I could not help myself.... just had to have it!!! :)))))

I was given a HUGE lot of girl clothes from newborn to 12 months!!! Such a blessing. Also the bio mother of the 4 embryos we adopted- just mailed me a HUGE box of her baby girl's clothes that was just born last October- so the clothes will all be in season. What a blessing!!!!! AAAANNNNDDDDD my precious friend Robin has offered to throw me a baby shower in early October- birth mom L said she wants to come and I would be honored to honor her at the shower!! Stay tuned!

I will put up more pictures as we take them and get her room all finished.

We are still headed to meet L on July 16th- and due to some bad circumstances in which she finds herself, she MAY be coming back with us to live until the baby is born! I will DEFINITELY keep you updated on this.

Again please pray for guidance, for healthy eggs and for peace in our hearts as we wait!!!

Love to you all!!!

Update.... on our miracle

Several of you have been dying for details and an update so here it is.....

Yes I have spoken to the birthmom a lot, she is so young, and she LOVES to text!!! I have never texted so much in my life!!! But she seems to be sure this what she is going to do. There are many details to be worked out, and my attorney is trying to get all the facts for me about what we need to do as far as doing an interstate adoption. The birthmom lives in Pennsylvania and we have toyed with the idea of her coming to live with us until the birth- but then what happens after the birth?
And if we travel to Pennsylvania for the birth, we have to be prepared to stay there for 1-2 weeks until the interstate compact is completed. Soooo many decisions yet, but mainly the financial aspect of all this is daunting.

I am not mentioning the money for anyone to feel pity but for my prayer warriors know how to pray. I am standing on my Lord's promises and I know that if this is what He has for us, then He will make a way when there seems to be no way. He works in ways we cannot see, He will make a way for us to bring this baby home!!!

So we have moved forward and are painting the nursery as well as getting everything together for our impending arrival.

You will notice i added the baby ticker to the left on the top. I just want something to count down the days as we anxiously anticipate this amazing event!!

Also Sweetness and I are traveling to his BF wedding on Friday, July 15th. Well we figured out that birth mom is only 1 hour and 23 minutes from where we are going for the wedding, soooooo we have made plans to go see her and meet with her so she can get a better feel for us also. I am very excited but again trying to keep it all in check.

And on the surrogacy front.......... I go to the clinic on Friday to get all the papers finalized, and then next Thursday, July 7th is baseline day and I begin stimming to get my eggs. I am so nervous about how all this may work out- but again Faith isn't faith until it's all you have!!!

A Miracle in the Making.....

Well folks it seems just when you have every thing planned out as best as you can, a turn of events can fall into your lap out of nowhere!!! Yesterday our lives were surprised with a miracle in the making. Let me explain....

Sweetness' nephew, who is 18, called and left a message saying he needed to talk to his uncle right away, and sounded very distraught. So he called him back and to our total surprise he informed us that he had gotten his ex-girlfriend pregnant!!! We had no idea..... Well to make it worse they both have NO MONEY, no car, and no way to care for this precious little baby to be born in October. Well I guess you know where this is going, he wants us to adopt the baby so it stays in the family. WOW. JUST WOW.

So you all know we have been down this road before so we are cautiously excited. WE spoke to him at length about if he realized the seriousness of the situation and that it can not be undone. Is he willing to be known as a cousin and not the father etc.? He said he knows this is the right thing to do, he can not provide for any one let alone himself with anything. So fast forward a couple of hours and we spoke with the young girl, and she said her parents are very angry at her. They told her if she keep the baby, she will have to move out etc. She said she had made up her mind awhile ago that she was going to place the baby for adoption, and she would rather us have the child than go through an agency.

There is so much more I could write, but right now we are cautiously excited, and have soooo much to do. The baby is a little girl, who is due Oct. 28th. They all live in Pennsylvania and we are planning a trip up there to visit and meet her in about 6-8 weeks.

So we are asking all of our prayer warriors to please pray that HIS will is done in this situation for everyone concerned most importantly this innocent little baby to have the best life she can. We are really thrilled, I actually opened the door to the nursery and sat in there today and imagined what it would be like to rock her and love her. What would it look like to look back in my car and see a car seat there?? Oh the simple yet so exciting things that we may embark on in just a few short months!!!

I know you guys will have some questions for us, mainly WHAT ABOUT THE SURROGACY????? We spoke with our surrogate today and she is very supportive and understanding of what this situation means for us. But we will continue this process and see if we can have our biological child. We may have a house full very soon!!!! But given this situation now, we may only transfer one embryo into our surrogate because I know I could not handle triplets if she got pregnant with twins!

So wow we have a lot going on, but its all good and we are so thankful that the Lord has heard our cry and is answering our prayers.

We covet your prayers and we are mainly concerned about the financial aspect of all of this, so we ask for discernment and direction in how to juggle it all. Thank you for walking this journey with us!!!

ohhh Lupron......how I detest you.....

Hey guys.... quick update!

My surrogate and I are finally both on Lupron and the BCPs. She reports feeling fine, I on the other hand am having horrible headaches- hot-flashes, and mood swings. But all this I expect every time on Lupron. I really HATE this drug. But I will endure for my children.

Other than that, not much is happening. We are in full steam ahead mode and getting super uber excited!!!!

One thing I would like to mention is if all reading this would pray for a coworker of mine that was murdered Monday evening. He was gunned down on the street, it remains unsolved, but it is so sad and tragic. It just reminds of the frailty and brevity of life. I pray he knew the Lord and he is with Him now.

Thanks ladies for all the love and support...... its getting ever so close!

I will post later the pics from the past weekend.....I promise! (I forgot my camera cord or I would be doing it right now!)

Father's Day

Well today has been a pretty good day. I had high hopes that our surrogate would be pregnant by today and my Sweetness would be a daddy today (expectant even though), but we are still so full of hope!!

Tomorrow morning I begin the Lupron and my surrogate started this morning! We are getting there!

We had an awesome weekend at the Boardwalk art show, I took a lot of pictures that I will upload tomorrow when I have some time. We bought a really cool piece of art and I will share it with you guys then.

So for all of those Dads out there (and those hoping to be)- hang in there and celebrate the Abba Father we have in the Lord who holds us when we feel like we just can't go on.

Love you all!