4dp5dt

I'm still here, and hopefully percolating my sweet babies.... Technically tomorrow at 5dp5dt I can do a HPT, but I am going to see how much resolve I have to not test until the beta. Ya'll know me and I don't know if that is even possible, but I am going to try for my sanity.

Last night, I went to my monthly Resolve (an infertility support group) meeting, and I must say it was FAB-U-LOUS!!!!! We had about 15 women and many new members are coming every week. I have had a good support group thus far in my 2 year + journey. But I can not begin to express the difference you feel when you are sitting with people and hearing their hurts and pains and feeling like you are not so ALONE!!!!!

I mean I know Sweetness and I have been through ALOT with all these failed IUIs and 5 IVFs, but some of the pain and situations that were shared were so humbling. These women are still standing, still hoping and are so strong. SO STRONG.

I hope that we all develop a very tight bond in this group and that we all watch as each and every one becomes a mom in the way the Lord intended for each of us.

Thank you Jesus for blessing me with these amazing women, to learn from , to share with and to lean on. You truly send us exactly what we need. I hope I am not about to have another BFN, but if I do, it is comforting to know these ladies are there to grieve with us.

2dp5dt

Well gals, I am a whole 2 days past my 5 day transfer...... man this is gonna be a long 2 weeks........ but I vacillate from being very hopeful to discouraged and what are we going to do next when this doesn't work??



But for now I relax, lay on the bed, watch TV, read books, sleep , eat some and wait for Sweetness to get home. That is about the extent of my day right now. But I am sooooo loving not being in that stress-filled job I have. It is amazing how much better my sense of self has improved not being there everyday! I'm sure when I cant pay bills because I am not working is not going to feel so great- but we will cross that bridge when we get there.



I did give the baby shower Saturday for my girlfriend Amanda, who is due in 4 short weeks. It went really well. I just do not feel like uploading those pics right now- but I will soon.



Oh and the nurse called today- the other 3 embryos we had all arrested and basically stopped growing. So we do not have a FET cycle to pull out of this shared-risk program. I think what we are leaning towards as our last ditch effort is one round of DE if this one does not work. We will get 1/2 the shared risk fee back and can put it towards that without having to come up with any more money. So we will pursue this in earnest if we have to..... I just wish I knew.



I just wish I was pregnant and almost about to meet our miracle, I just wish there was an easy way to do surrogacy, I just wish someone would offer to do it for us and it be easy, not so complicated. I feel like surrogacy is probably our best option because we do have pretty good embryos, it's just my "perfect uterus" is not so perfect- it clearly does not want to do its job!



So we may pursue a friend of a friend who has been a gestational carrier 2 times before and see if we can get a reduced price maybe??? I just want to be a mother, I just want to rock my baby in the middle of the night, I just want push my baby in a cute stroller, I just want to be a family!!! Why is this so heart breaking????



Lord please help me to trust you. Please help me to know what you want for us, help us please..... to be patient while we wait.

Pregnant....until proven otherwise

Okay y'all just a quick update. We just transferred 2 morulas (early blastocysts) into my tummy. I am still laying here on my back for the hour until I can go home.....but we are thrilled and feel so hopeful.

I will post pictures of hem soon nd do a longer update later, but for now I am headed home to be pampered and relax!!!

Thanks again for all the prayers......we desperately need them now.

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Gut wrenching decisions.....

So it's only 11am but it has already been such a gut-wrenching day, full of tough decisions. So here is the low-down. We got 5 eggs from this cycle- all 5 were mature- and all 5 fertilized. That was Tuesday- fast forward to today when I had to go to the clinic for a possible 3-day transfer, and we now have 4 perfect 8-cell embryos!! One died at 2 cells and is no longer viable!

So as we sat down and discussed our options, we felt so torn, this is why...... All along we have been wanting to do a 5-day or blast transfer. We have never done one and after 4 failed IVFs and 11 perfect embryos on day 3 and all BFNs, we felt we had to try something different. SO the agony came in today as to whether to try to take all 4 to blast (Day 5) or do a Day 3 transfer today.

Sweetness was so torn, bless his heart. We want this so badly, and we want all 4 our babies to become perfect living, breathing babies we can bring home. But getting there is the hard part. We asked about just taking 2 to blast and freezing the other 2 on Day 3 (today). They highly advised against that , saying we don't know if the 2 we choose to go to blast will even make it there- and then you have no fresh cycle which is a better chance at getting pregnant.

Ughhhh the debating and praying and analyzing was so hard. But after much prayer and consideration, our best educated and prayed-out decision was to try to take ALL 4 TO BLAST.

Now I know the statistics are only 50% of Day 3 embryos make it to blast stage, but we feel like we will always wonder for the rest of our lives if we did not try this before we quit fertility treatments. Please know that there is a chance that all 4 could not make it and we have nothing to transfer. We rebuke that in Jesus' name- but we have to prepare ourselves for it nonetheless.

So here I am back at home, preparing for the baby shower I am throwing tomorrow, which by the way will be much easier since my transfer was not today. But I am praying a hedge of protection around our 4 precious babies, and asking God to be a BIG God in our lives this weekend, and show those doctors that all 4 can make it to blast stage!!! All four, not 2 but all 4! We are trusting the Lord completely. We want His will to be done in our lives.

We can rest knowing that if He wants us to have these babies, nothing will get in the way; if He doesn't have that for us, then nothing is going to work.

So we are begging all of our prayer warriors, and special friends who are walking in this journey with us- to pray with out ceasing until Sunday morning that all of our precious little ones make it- and LIVE!!! We know that this is not too big for God??!!! He can and will do it! We claim it!

Thanks again for all the love and support, we COULD NOT do this with out you guys!

Quick Fertilization report

Just to let you guys know that all FIVE eggs fertilized normally and are growing!!!! This is such an answer to prayer and we are so grateful for this chance again. Please don't let up praying for our little ones.... Lord protect them until we are together again!!! Thank you all soooo much!!!!

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not exactly as planned.......

Hey gals- I know many of you are anxiously awaiting how today went. So here goes....

Let's just say it did not go as planned, but may turn out "okay" in the end. So they took me back to the operating room, and when I came out they told me they only got 5 eggs!!! What??? 15 eggs? No, FIVE eggs!!!! Needless to say I was not happy. I KNOW I had more than 5 eggs but obviously some follicles had no eggs in them. the Doc that harvested my eggs said that I clearly have low ovarian reserve, which basically means I probably do not ovulate each month or at all, and even when stimulated with these killer hormones I am not getting a good amount of eggs.

But 5 eggs is all we got- so we go with it. Then Sweetness goes to give his "sample" to fertilize the eggs, and they come back and say there is no sperm in the sample! Are you kidding me? This is from the same guy who they told last time that he had over 1 billion sperm per ml, and now none????? So after a bit of discussion with the doc, we remember that he is taking a testosterone supplement everyday because because his was so low- and he felt TERRIBLE, and it has a risk of DIMINISHING your sperm count- but obliterating it was not anything we expected. But luckily we thought ahead and froze a sample a couple months ago BEFORE he started on the testosterone medication. So they thawed out one of the tubes of sperm and they then came in and said that there was good motility and about 48 million in that one tube. So finally some good news.

So after all this drama went on, we were cleared to leave, and I was still very groggy, and we came on home and I have slept off all the anesthesia all day.

Honestly I am nervous about what they will say when they call tomorrow with the fertilization report. They ICSI'd all of them, so best case scenario is we get 5 great embryos growing as they should. The doctor working with us today said it is likely that we will not make it to blast day (5 days past fertilization). So if that is true we will have to do another 3 day transfer- and the kicker to that is it will fall on Friday and remember I have to throw a baby shower in my house on Saturday!!!! So my mom is on standby to assist if needed.

SO I have no idea how this will turn out but it feels so uncertain. I think there is NO chance we can ever get pregnant on our own with me not ovulation and sweetness now not making sperm on this medication! Ughhhh is an understatement. So I am asking all my prayer warriors to please pray for our little embryos that ALL of them will make it tonight-- their first night of life. WE REALLY DO WANT ALL OF THEM! I can not pray for only 2 to make it?!

So I will let you know tomorrow how it all turns out. Lord, please be with my precious little babies tonight- may we hold each one in our arms in November!

PS- I am sitting here watching my DVR show of Oprah from last week- and Celine Dion is on showing off her beautiful new twins. I am so encouraged to know that she conceived these twins on her SIXTH attempt at IVF!!!! I have some hope:)

Trigger tonight!!!

So in 3 short hours I will be taking my trigger shot (pictured above), and stimulating the follicles to ovulate the eggs I so hope lead to us holding our precious babies in our arms soon. I am feeling pretty yucky and really want this to be over!!! But I know it is for the most worthy cause ever!

I will be going to work tomorrow as usual and try to make it through a whole day- then Tuesday bright and early at 7am we have to be at the clinic to harvest all these eggs!

We covet your prayers during this time as we need as many eggs as we can possibly get- if this doesn't work we need embryos to have to do surrogacy with. Thank you for coming on this very long, very emotional journey with us. We could not have made it here with out our friends supporting us so completely!

I also want to give a shout-out to my special friend Tammy, who started her BCPs today in preparation for her DE cycle coming up soon. I'm praying for Tammy and so hope that this is your cycle sweetheart!