4 more weeks.... then Chloe

I am so sorry I have not written an update since last time. to be honest I am so broken i have not even felt like rehashing all that happens daily and my heart is so totally broken by so many people and things but ill try to here quickly.

First of all I am so utterly disappointed in my family. We used to be a very close, praying family, but most of them are so self serving and selfish. The invitations to my baby shower were sent out to ALL of them for the shower on Sept. 24th and NOT ONE of them have RSVP ed to come, NOT ONE of them, and I have a huge family. granted most of them are out of town, but none of them have even called to say congratulations on your adoption, or better yet I have read your blog and I am praying for you--- NOTHING!!! I have no use for them- so I wont even be telling them of when and if I do adopt Chloe. I am so disgusted with them, it breaks my heart really.

On to the situation. SO MUCH has happened since I posted last I do not want to type it all out but basically it boiled down to this. I paid to fly my nephew home to PA, he is staying with his father in the same city where birth mom lives so he can go to appointments with her and be with her in general and most importantly be in touch so he can know when she goes into labor!!! Today they went to the doctor together and the doc said the due date for October 17th is still on, and no scheduled c-section is on right now. He also said baby girl is very healthy!! Then they called me and my nephew said she has one "condition" in order to give us the baby. OK- what is it? He said she does not want me in the delivery room when she delivers Chloe. OK. That's fine with me. Then I break down, sobbing, literally sobbing. He says she is right here if you want to say anything to her. I said well put her on the phone, he says she doesn't want to talk on the phone. I said well probably because she doesn't want to be called out on all her lies???

I started bawling again and said "L, all I have ever done is love you and love your baby- I don't know why you have done any of this to me and my husband. All I want is to love your baby and give her a beautiful life. If you will allow us to do that we will be forever grateful, but I can not handle this being strung on anymore this way, you are breaking me down for no reason."

So she finally said she will sign my attorney's paper's in the hospital and allow my nephew to take the baby across state lines to Virginia with us to allow us to adopt her here. I am so emotionally spent, its like I cant even get myself together to work I have cried so much!!!

So the baby shower on Sept. 24th has had to be postponed for obvious reasons, I guess she really wanted to make a fool of me. And now tomorrow birth mom and her mother are going to Catholic charities. I'm not sure what they are going to do. But I asked mu nephew why he wasn't going, and he said his dad had him doing some things around the house. What???? He needs to be at this meeting to find out what is happening with HIS BABY!!!

It seems I am the only one all concerned about this, I have absolutely no control at all over any of this- and I just feel so lost, so hurt, so angry, so broken. Why do all my students get to sit around and talk about all their babies, and I cant even participate??? Why does this have to be sooooo hard for us, when people take it for such granted???? I have friends having abortions because it wasn't convenient for them, and the they get pregnant again when it works better for them.... ARE YOU SERIOUS?????

I WILL NEVER UNDERSTAND GOD, NEVER!!!!!

So now I sit and wait for that anxious phone call, that she has gone into labor, we drop everything and fly up there as fast as we can drive 500 miles, and see if she means what she says..... so I need more prayers and happy thoughts and good wishes than ever before. PLEASE don't forget about us this next month until I can write and tel you , my precious Chloe bug has been born, and she is in my arms!!

THANK YOU MY SWEET FRIENDS, YOU HAVE ALL BEEN SO KIND- CLOSER THAN EVEN MY FAMILY... THANK YOU FOR EVERYTHING!!!

A small update

First- let me thank you all for the incredible outpouring of love and support over this past weekend. It was some of the hardest days I have ever faced. But with the help of Sweetness and my mom I have survived and am sitting here at work.

I did want to keep you all updated on what the goings on are. Yesterday I texted her and asked her if she would at least give me and/or the birth father the courtesy of knowing when she went into labor so we could be at the birth and she said yes. She said he next Dr appt is Sept. 15 and we can get a better update then. She keeps saying she may have to have a c-section and she would let us know the date and time. You know everything she says is tempered with a whole lot of distrust. She then told me how sorry she was and that she was an immature b**** and she wanted to change. I told her she did not have act this way and she could let this be a happy ending if she would allow it. She also said Catholic charities said the father could fight for the baby, but he does not have a home or resources to care for her at all.

So fast forward to today and my attorney finally called me back. She said that if we can be at the birth, she can draft documents allowing us to take the baby from the hospital and as long as the father accompanies us over state lines we can bring the baby here to Virginia and adopt her here. This is all contingent of course on her signing her rights away in the hospital. Also my attorney said catholic charities is notorious for being VERY aggressive with trying to get custody of the baby as soon as the baby is born. She also said the baby could end up in foster care for awhile and a judge may have to decide who gets the baby. I just do not have the time or money or emotional energy to fight the legal system that way. I just don't.

So I texted her back this afternoon and told her the scenario with foster care and all that, and I begged her to call off the situation with catholic charities. I told her if she cared at all about that baby- she would not use her as a pawn, like some rag doll to passed around, when she could be loved and in her bed very soon after birth if she would stop the games. She SAID she would call it off with catholic charities. Now whether she will or not - who knows but she said she wanted us to raise her and that she would cooperate for us to get her. I told her she has made a lot of mistakes and hurt us greatly but she can do right by us and her daughter by making sure we get her and she needs to do everything possible to ensure we can adopt her without making us go broke. I said a bunch of other stuff, but for brevity's sake, you get the picture.

So I have no idea what will happen from here. I am going to keep in touch with her daily on a limited basis just so i can find out when she goes into labor so we can get there. In about 2 weeks I will have the car packed with the carseat, bottles, formula, clothes, pacis, etc. and we will make a beeline to Pennsylvania when we get the call , and I guess my maternity leave with my job will begin then.

I still covet your prayers and your love as we wait so anxiously as to what our lives are going to be. I love that baby already and I guess that is why this hurts so badly.

Thank you all again.

I am beyond words....

Well guys I have been played the biggest fool ever.  I  still riding home with Sweetness so I can not do a full blogpost on this phone but here is a small synopsis....... Went to her house to pick her up, she's texting saying she's not home, we knock on the door and speak to her stunned father for 45 mins-- cluing him in on all the lies she has told us.  But basically she has lied about everything..... She was going behind our back and made arrangements to have the baby adopted by Catholic Charities.  She never had any plan to come back with us or even giving us the baby.  So I let her have it last night and this morning...... I told her she is the most cruel and mean person I have ever known that preyed on our raw emotions of being infertile and that she has to live with what she has done to us.  She doesn't even care, but she did say that we can have her if Cody ( the father) gets her.
So basically our only saving grace is we are trying to get Cody back to PA before the baby is born to exert his rights and then I THINK my attorney said he can cross state lines with the baby and maybe do the adoption in VA.  I still am waiting on our attorney to call me back.  And I'm sorry to say but our nephew has his priorities screwed up.....he is living in a shelter in AZ and just found a job and his place at that shelter.is.contingent on the job.  But I just told him he.created this innocent.baby and he better come save her from the crazy girl who is her mother.  He brought us into this and we have traveled all over the eastern US to make this happen so he better get here.  So he said he would call us back and try to make some calls etc. And I guess we will fly him out to PA.
Needless to say I am so broken, so broken...... I don't care what happens to me.  Sweetness and I have just rode in silence all the way home as I sit and cry.  I just have lost all faith in God and humanity in general.  How could I be such a fool?????  Guess the joke is on me.

My anxiety

My anxiety is through the roof right now for many reasons.

I just left my attorney's office and she has everything in order for whenever birth mom gives birth.  The one thing that I found out to day that is really good news is :  because Sweetness is the baby's great uncle, this will be a "immediate family parental placement adoption".  That all means basically that birth mom does have to appear in court with us and the baby as we were originally told.  This streamlines the whole process and makes it way more simple than before.  After birth she can oimmediately get on a flight home if she wishes.  if she wants to stay a few days then she can do that too but she does not have to wait around a full 10 days as we were originally told was the case.

So now the real anxiety issue is at hand........  we are leaving tomorrow afternoon again to go to Pennsylvania to pick her up.  She swears she is coming and I am going to give her the benefit of the doubt that she WILL come back with us this time as she has repeatedly promised.  Because if she does not give birth in this state then the streamlined family adoption can not take place.  So I am trying to so hard to trust the Lord, but my faith is so shaky right now, I want to desperately believe He sees me and he knows my fears and He would not allow me to be heartbroken yet again......That He will give me our happy ending.......  Lord please let it be so!!!!!

So I beg of all mt prayer warriors again to cover us in prayer today and especially Saturday morning that SHE WILL GET IN THE CAR and come back with us...... It is totally in God's hands, and I have no control over any of this so I must trust and try to be patient.

I will certainly update you guys as soon as I know something, maybe even in the car from my phone if I am able.  Thank you all again for walking through this with us!!!

The Amazing World of Etsy

Hey Ladies!!! I thought I would do a fun post on something other than the anxiety I am rattled with right now waiting for this weekend when we are "supposed" to pick up birthmom again. So let's focus on something fun, shall we???

My friend got me turned onto Etsy, a really cool website that almost everything on there is handmade specialty products that you can get personalized for you, your home, your family or your child. Somethings are really pricey, others are really reasonable and one of a kind items, you can't find anywhere else.

So I have taken a gallery of pictures of the sweet things I have gotten for Chloe on Etsy over the last months, and I thought I would share some of them with you. This is a long post with lots of pictures, so just warning you. Some friends have been asking what stores I purchased things from- so especially Tara- here you go honey!!!

So one of the first things I ordered from Etsy were some amazing wall decals from the shop on etsy called LeentheGraphicsQueen. There are so many shoppes on etsy that have literally 1000s of different quotes, scripture etc. One that I loved, and put over our bed is the one pictured below....... so sweet.

This one is over the french doors in our living room and it reads one of my favorite quotes that I cling to- "The WILL of God will never take you where the GRACE of God will not protect you." Love it.

And this one I placed in our hallway, by the thermostat LOL.

And then last but certainly not least, I have already posted this one before in this post on Chloe's room, I HAD TO HAVE THIS ONE...... it is my anthem!

And while I was looking for the above quote, I stumbled upon a wonderful shop on Etsy called pinknbluebaby and they have millions of beautiful trees and other designs specifically for nursery walls. I love this one with the pink birdies which matches her bedding.

And then I had this sweet door sign made from the shop MamaMessages. Again it is my heart's cry and cant wait to hang it on baby girl's door!!

So now lets move on to the things I have gotten specifically for Chloe. I have not gotten much in newborn size, because they grow out of it so quickly. Most everything I have gotten is 6mos or larger.

Let's start with her Clemson wear. As you know if you are a regular reader of this blog, Sweetness is their biggest fan and Chloe will become one too if he has anything to say about it!!
So the little dress on the right that says "Clemson girl" was handmade by a lady that runs the shop called elizabethannoriginal just for her!!! It is so precious, lined and double stitched- great quality!! The cheerleader outfit on the left was hanging in the window when we rode by a children's consignment shop in town called "Sweet Repeats". Sweetness literally stopped the car and made a U-turn to go back to this shop and grab it out of the window. It's going to be so sweet to see her in it in 2 years as it is a 2T, but for $6 you cant beat it!!!

I also got this hat and little Clemson clippy bow on Mamasbowtique on Etsy.

Speaking of bows, I ordered some sweet crocheted ones and ones with a thin elastic band. I am not a big fan of the thick crocheted head bands, they look too big to me on a baby's small head.

And this cute little hat, from the shop PolkaDotBabyBowtique. It is monogrammed with her name and some sweet Swarovski crystals applied. Going to be so sweet on her little head!!

Some people asked where I got these letters that are hung on her wall with the ribbons and "destressing" already done to them. I purchased them from a site on etsy called SplitRockCreek.

The personalized apparel you can get on etsy is just so pretty. I got her some cute monogrammed bibs. Both of these were only $15. They were purchased from a store on etsy called mylittlehedgehog.

And then this little beauty is my favorite. I am soooo into smocked children's clothing now. Chloe will be wearing a lot of it!!!! I purchased this beautiful white rainbow bishop smocked dress. It is so gorgeous and I am dying to put it on her!!!

Here is a closer picture showing the intricate beautiful work done on this dress. It was purchased on a site called NancysFancyDesigns.

And this little beanie cap was hand knitted with love specially ordered and it is for her newborn pictures. It is so tiny and so sweet. it came from the shop called ForStitchesSake.

I purchased a lot of bows already from many places but the ones above are from the Hairbowdepot store on etsy. So precious and cant wait to dress her up with little bows!!!

These are 2 of my favorites, specially personalized for her.

And this has to be the sweetest thing I have ordered. It comes from a store called LilPixieBoutique. She makes some ahhh-mazing stuff on there!!! Its a onsie and a matching beanie hat!!

And then back to some more Collegiate wear for football season. This precious little Alabama dress with matching bloomers came from a store called Alabamaonmymind!!! Toooo cute!

And of course another clemson outfit, this says Clemson cutie on it and it is a little dress with attached bloomers!!! Its gonna be tiger paw land in my house, with Sweetness and Chloe all dressed in orange.

And this little set was a gift from a friend who told me she purchased it on etsy. Not sure of the store, but I just love handmade stuff!!

And then there is this beautiful tutu I had made for her. It will be so cute for her 1st birthday and a prop for professional pictures etc. Anyone that knows me knows I looooooove rainbows so I chose these colors because It will go with anything!!! Look for pictures with this tutu in the near future!! Oh and this came from the shop called gogirlusa.

So there you have it. I may have missed a few things but overall this is a great look at the kinds of things you can buy on etsy for all my friends out there that are pregnant or have some small babies you would like to dress up in cuteness!!

Good 'ole Irene !!!

Well just in case you live under a rock...... we are getting hit by a pretty bad hurricane this weekend. Sweetness and I have decided to stay home and ride it out. I actually do not think it's going to be AS BAD as they were originally saying two days ago.

But we have taped up all the windows, gotten non perishable groceries, filled the bath tubs with water, taken pictures of all our belongings, charged all cell phones and our back up batteries, and we are as ready as we can be.

So supposedly by the time we wake up in the morning (Sat morning) we will be having tropical force winds and then tomorrow evening is going to be hard core. The vet gave us a sedative tonight for each dog to help them ride out the storm. They are both so old and they have been so nervous all day, I wanted them to not have a full blown panic attack when that wind starts howling tonight.

But thank you all so much for the facebo.ok messages and the prayers wondering how we are and if we are staying or not.

And earlier this week (Tuesday) we had the first earthquake centered on the east coast in 64years I think I heard. It was so eery to feel the whole building shake under you!!!

Thankfully I know I am a born again christian, because all of this sure makes me think that it is getting close to the end times...... but please Lord let me become a mom first...... I am sooo close.

Birth mom actually CALLED me, yes I really talked to her on the phone today not just texted. And she sounds really excited finally to come here an stay with us. The biggest news of the day is that the doctor pushed up her due date to Oct. 17th!!!!! Wow that means we literally have like 7 weeks until she is supposed to be here!!! And Ive said all along I think she will deliver early,. Its getting so close I can taste it....I can feel her in my arms, and I can small that new baby smell......

Thank you all again for everything. Please keep praying, we are almost ready to get off this roller coaster!!

I will update on the other side of Irene....... here we go!!!

20 wk ultrasound today....

No not for Chloe.... She is already 31 weeks old!!!

But today surely was not at all what I expected. I arrived at work this morning to a sobbing student. I took her in another room and we discussed what was wrong. In a short version, she is 20 wks pregnant (which I already knew), and her boyfriend broke up with her last night and wants nothing more to do with her or the baby. But a caveat here, they broke up once before in march and she got drunk and slept with some guy she was in the Navy with, then her and her boyfriend got back together and she slept with him 3 days later!!! So there in lies the rub, she has no idea whose baby this is.

So her boyfriend originally told her he loved her anyway and was excited about the baby but now he says he cant do it...... (I kind of don't blame him really) but I was just trying to be supportive.

So then she says that today is her 20 week gender/morphology ultrasound and she doesn't want to go alone, and she was sobbing asking me if I would go with her?? So of course I said yes.

I thought I could do it, and just enjoy the amazement of it all....... Well I was kinda right, kinda wrong.

let me just say that the experience was AHHH-mazing!!1 I have never seen that amazing detail of the precious baby at 20 weeks. You could see all the chambers of his heart and all the parts of the brain. They measured his humerus and femur and he weighs a whopping 10 oz today. And then she was able to find out it is a BOY!!!! I was so thrilled as we stood there staring at the screen, in the darkened room, and silently as I stood behind her, I wept. I wept.

I wept for all that I will never have, never experience the life growing inside me, and never have Sweetness see the miracle I just saw today. My heart literally broke in two. As she got dressed I went to the restroom to get it together for her- after all I am her professor, and we drove back to school. I listened to her tell with excitement her mom and dad that its a boy, and the joy of the grandparents impending grandson. It was all too much.

So after I got back to my office I sat there and silently sobbed for a bit and let it all out. I told the Lord how unfair I think this all is.......... she gets to have a one night stand and doesn't even know who the father is and I don't get to have a baby to raise to love Him??? I just want to know why!!!

Well the amazing part is, I was still quite teary as my evening class was rolling in, and a sweet student named Kim came up to me and handed me a bag and said these are some presents for Chloe we all pitched in and bought you. I was so floored, the tears started again!! :) How sweet they were..... several Hello Kitty onesies and carters play suits and stuff. I guess the Lord sent what I needed right then to ease this agonizing pain.

Just thought I would share my 20-week ultrasound experience.