Tuesday, December 7, 2010

There is a gray film over life

Well we are still here. Some days are better than others. Sweetness and I went to the mall last night and of course had to see a BRAND NEW BABY all dressed up for Santa and fixing to be put on his lap, and of course I just start crying. I looked at Sweetness and said "When will it be our time?" He just put his arm around me and we kept walking......

Nothing about this is fun or fair. I have had some real neat prayer time with friends over the past couple of days and it really means alot. I cant thank you enough to my sweet friends who have taken time out of their lives and cared enough to sit and pray with us and cry with us. I know this will get easier but man it hurts bad.

So today I went for my pre-op visit with my RE. We went over what he is going to do in my surgery Friday, nothing I have not already mentioned here before, and then we will wait a month for me to cycle. So that takes us to Jan. 10th when we will reassess and make me have a cycle if I do not do so on my own. Then we will begin our last fresh IVF cycle under our shared-risk program. Dr. O said he would entertain the surrogate idea with my mom after I have gone through these last 2 attempts and been unsuccessful. I agreed.

I am so not looking forward to any of this anymore- I am burned out and my body is totally spent. I used to be so filled with anticipation- but no more. My RE saw that I am not hopeful at all and he tried to encourage me and said he has plenty of women in my situation and on IVF #5 they got pregnant. I just think I have gone into self-preservation mode and it hurts too bad to have hope anymore. I'm hoping my close friends and the Lord are holding onto the hope FOR me if that makes sense.

I'm sorry I am such a downer right now, I know I will bounce back to my old self, I just need to vent all this stuff out.

Even though this weekend was not so good emotionally, Sweetness and I went and saw some cool Christmas decorations and spent some great time together- so it was not all bad. I DO have the best husband ever- and he makes it all worth while.

Thanks again for my friends that are standing beside us as we walk in this valley, the mountaintop is not far now. Love you guys.