Wednesday, January 12, 2011

Hope renewed....maybe?

Wow! Have we sure done a 180 this week. So Monday starts off terrible, BM tells me she has basically changed her mind, and she is confused. I still have not heard anything from her. Not counting on it either really.

And thankfully I already had scheduled an appointment with my RE after my last failed IVF cycle and it was for yesterday, Jan. 11th of all days. But I was actually really glad, because I needed some hope to keep me going. So yesterday, Sweetness and I made the trip again to the RE, and boy am I glad we did. Dr. O was so nice and sweet, and he really felt so sorry for us, being so close only to have it yanked from us again.

So we decided on how to proceed on our last and final attempt at IVF. The plan is as follows: If I have not seen AF by next Tuesday- I will pop in for a quick Progesterone/Estrogen check. If both are low we will go ahead and start BCPs. If progesterone levels are low, it means I ovulated, we will begin that day also. IF my estrogen is still low, then we will do a course of Prover.a and thicken my lining so i hopefully will start. Then.... whenever the day that I start is we begin BCPs for 2 weeks, with Lupr.on overlapping one week with BCPs, then we start stimming for 10 days or thereabout. Then we trigger and have the egg retrieval, then on to a 5-day transfer hopefully. I have never had a blast transfer so I am looking forward to doing something different.

He said I have to really reduce the stress, and be positive- so I will get pregnant! He was so supportive- He said there is no reason why I am not getting pregnant and can not get pregnant. That made me feel better. So that is our plan. Basically I think this will take us to end of February for the transfer.

We have a renewed sense of hope and are cautiously optimistic. Hopefully we will have a girl, because now I have a beautiful girl themed nursery...... I had taken all these pictures of us as we painted the room, and decorated it so beautiful with all the hopes and dreams in front of us, but somehow I cant bring myself to post them here. For now we have all the baby stuff in the nursery and have the door closed. I told Sweetness last night that soon we will be able to open that door and be excited about being in there. I just know we will.

I am still struggling spiritually. I have always been the girl who held on to my faith- but I am really struggling with what I believe- is there a God or not??? and I'm embarrassed to say I really don't know anymore. What good can possibly come out of us in this pain, and despair and longing for a child when everyone else has one and some have no means to care for them etc. I just want to understand. And no one has any answers for me. This has really brought me to my knees and I am hoping to have some peace about all of this soon.

I really thank you for your prayers for our upcoming cycle and for me as I search. You ladies are so wonderful. Thank you for standing by us in such a difficult time. At least I have my Sweetness......