Thursday, March 10, 2011

The end of the road.... and my "200th" Post

So who would have thought when I started this blog 2 years ago that here I would be, Post 200- and about to post the most depressing, sad news of my life...... Dr, O just called to officially tell me that my 5th and final attempt at IVF is NEGATIVE. Not a big surprise to me as I have been saying all week.

To say I am not in a good place in an understatement. I feel lower than Ive ever been, and I feel so angry at the God I have trusted all my life and who put this strong desire in my heart for a child, yet denies it to me time and time again. I really should shut the computer now and not go on rambling about the true heart wrenching and impossible place I am in. But alas, I guess in some way it's therapeutic for me.

So we really are at the end of our rope. We have spent every dime we had and more on all this IVF, and we have nothing but loan payments to show for it. How's that for a shot of reality for ya? And we have no money to even begin to think about adoption (for those of you who want to write and tell me to just adopt- it starts out costing about $35000 for a black baby and far more for a white baby). So yeah- not doing that.

Surrogacy was a possibility. I met a nice surrogate- she would only charge $20,000, but again who has that? And that's really it. I mean I guess only the rich and famous get a baby through these methods if you can keep going with money being no object. It is not fair in any way that money is keeping us from having a family.

And now I must begin the long and painful journey to acceptance of a child-free life. How doe one do that exactly- when the ONLY things you have ever wanted was to be a mother???? Some one tell me? In God's time I know.....In God's will..... I know all that too- and somehow I dont believe any of that anymore.

So clearly not in a good place, and the selfishness that surrounds me from some of my so called "friends" is not helping me right now either. But what goes around comes around, and I'll leave it at that.

For those of you that have been praying and reaching out- I thank you and am so sorry I can not post my happy baby news that it was finally my time. Nope instead it is my time to retreat.