Thursday, March 10, 2011

The end of the road.... and my "200th" Post

So who would have thought when I started this blog 2 years ago that here I would be, Post 200- and about to post the most depressing, sad news of my life...... Dr, O just called to officially tell me that my 5th and final attempt at IVF is NEGATIVE. Not a big surprise to me as I have been saying all week.

To say I am not in a good place in an understatement. I feel lower than Ive ever been, and I feel so angry at the God I have trusted all my life and who put this strong desire in my heart for a child, yet denies it to me time and time again. I really should shut the computer now and not go on rambling about the true heart wrenching and impossible place I am in. But alas, I guess in some way it's therapeutic for me.

So we really are at the end of our rope. We have spent every dime we had and more on all this IVF, and we have nothing but loan payments to show for it. How's that for a shot of reality for ya? And we have no money to even begin to think about adoption (for those of you who want to write and tell me to just adopt- it starts out costing about $35000 for a black baby and far more for a white baby). So yeah- not doing that.

Surrogacy was a possibility. I met a nice surrogate- she would only charge $20,000, but again who has that? And that's really it. I mean I guess only the rich and famous get a baby through these methods if you can keep going with money being no object. It is not fair in any way that money is keeping us from having a family.

And now I must begin the long and painful journey to acceptance of a child-free life. How doe one do that exactly- when the ONLY things you have ever wanted was to be a mother???? Some one tell me? In God's time I know.....In God's will..... I know all that too- and somehow I dont believe any of that anymore.

So clearly not in a good place, and the selfishness that surrounds me from some of my so called "friends" is not helping me right now either. But what goes around comes around, and I'll leave it at that.

For those of you that have been praying and reaching out- I thank you and am so sorry I can not post my happy baby news that it was finally my time. Nope instead it is my time to retreat.

18 comments:

  1. I am sorry for your pain, this is just not fair. I know this probably means very little but you and your sweetness are in my thoughts. Hope will come knocking again, until then I wish you peace.

    Jenna

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  2. This is all so unfair Heather. I just can't believe how crappy all this has worked out. I'm saying a prayer right now for your comfort, peace, and some guidance from God as to what the heck to do next! Hugs!

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  3. Hi this is MindyE again. I just want to start out saying I am so sorry! Lord have mercy my heart hurts for you. Now I have never been thru what you and your husband have been thru. I have been thru some unbelievable hurt, grief and pain. I say that to say this, you have every right to feel the way you do. Mad , frustrated, empty faith tank. I am a Christian and I hated it when people would say to me well just pray about or you’re not depending on God. If it had not been for him I would not have been standing. You go ahead a grieve and just know you have other people out here standing in the gap for you. I sure wish we could understand God, but I know he has a plan.

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  4. I am so sorry. My heart is breaking for you. I am sorry for the immense pain that you are in. I wish that I knew what to say and how to support you.

    You go ahead and grieve and be angry at Him. It is okay. He can handle it. I will be praying for you as I am sure lots of other people will be too.

    I am so sorry, honey. I wish that I could hug you.

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  5. That really sucks. I'm so sorry. I don't really think there are words appropriate right now. My husband and I have been going through fertility treatments for over 5 years, but we haven't made it to IVF yet. I just cannot imagine!

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  6. Oh my goodness, I'm a lurker out here, but just have to write a comment to say I'm just so heart-broken for you both! Having gone thru infertility myself ten-plus years ago, I totally understand the frustration and despair you are feeling now. I never was successful getting pregant thru IVF and almost died from a ruptured ectopic pregnancy. But you have been thru so much more and invested more both emotionally and monetarily!! It is so ugly to think that it all comes down to the $$$$ when this is your future life we're talking about!!

    Sending you lots of internet hugs, tears and prayers---please know that you're not alone. I wish for you peace in the next few days and weeks, it is ok to be mad and to grieve ~
    Ginny B. Lexington, KY

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  7. My heart grieves for you. I am so sorry. Praying for peace and comfort for you and your sweet love.

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  8. Oh Heather, I am so sorry. You already know all the things people usually say in response to these things, so there is no need for me to repeat them. I don't know what He will do, but I am praying that somehow He brings redemption to all this. I know the He is able and that He is able to hold onto you until then. I love you, my friend, and am praying for you.

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  9. I wish I was there to give you a hug. I know there really are no words of comfort right now. I have been checking your blog daily and waiting for an update. I am so sorry this is the update we all received. I am praying for you and sweetness!

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  10. My heart is breaking for you. I am so sorry.

    Janay

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  11. I want so much to take this pain from you babe. I have no doubt that we'll survive this and come out a stronger couple.

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  12. Praying for you guys!! Wish I could give you a great big hug.

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  13. Oh hon, I have tears streaming down my face. I've been thinking and praying for you so much and was soooo hoping for better news. It's not fair and I don't understand why God would give you that desire to have it taken away.

    I'm sending you HUGE hugs. ((HUGS))

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  14. I am so sorry for your loss. I really hope that you will not be a childless couple. Have you checked into embryo adoption or foster care adoption? We tried the fertility treatments too for several years. We looked into domestic infant adoption and it was too expensive but embryo adoption is reasonable. Our clinic is going to charge only $5500 for an embryo adoption. If the embryo adoption doesn't work we may consider adoption through foster care which is low cost or no charge.

    I feel that if God still gives you the desire for a child then a child is waiting for you maybe not today but soon.

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  15. To the two of you -- God bless you. No one can take the pain away, but the only way to get through this is to keep thinking that God is there for you both to give you strength. Many, many others are with you and wishing you peace. xoxo

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  16. I wish I could reach out and give you a real hug. And sit with you while you cry. I am so sorry. So, so sorry.

    I am very likely to be where you are in another month or so. It's terrifying.

    Thinking of you.

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  17. I have been thinking about you guys..... I'm soooo sorry I know that doesn't help much but you and Sean are such a strong couple!! If you need me for anything please call me! NC GAL

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  18. Praying so hard for you and your husband right now. It's just not right. It's just not fair. Wish I could help in some way, but prayer is the only thing I can do right now.

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