Lost

I feel so lost right now, I don't know where to turn. I am sure we did not get pregnant with this IUI, and my mind and body are so way past that upcoming BFN, that I am lost.

Today I met with a loan officer from Wachovia, and it seems our dream has surely died. We do not have collateral in our home, so a loan for $20 000 would be like 12% interest with only 24 mos to pay it back, at a monthly payment of over $1000!!! I left there in tears, and have had to come to the real possibility that we will never be parents. I am currently sitting outside in the sunshine, crying, and asking God why? I mean WHY???? When the only thing I have ever really wanted in life was to have a baby. If one more friend calls and says they are expecting I just might go mad. I am so depressed now, I feel lost.

Why does God not want me to be a parent? Why does he allow all these women to get pregnant and then they go abort the baby? Why can all my friends get pregnant with out even any effort? Why Why Why? I am tired of begging and pleading with God to let us have a child. We are going to bankrupt in the process.

I know I have heard all the cliche and churchy answers about waiting for God's timing and He has a reason for all this. I just cant hear it anymore. I feel so lost, so down. Maybe I will never hold my own child, will I ever be fulfilled?