Thursday, April 15, 2010

Lost

I feel so lost right now, I don't know where to turn. I am sure we did not get pregnant with this IUI, and my mind and body are so way past that upcoming BFN, that I am lost.

Today I met with a loan officer from Wachovia, and it seems our dream has surely died. We do not have collateral in our home, so a loan for $20 000 would be like 12% interest with only 24 mos to pay it back, at a monthly payment of over $1000!!! I left there in tears, and have had to come to the real possibility that we will never be parents. I am currently sitting outside in the sunshine, crying, and asking God why? I mean WHY???? When the only thing I have ever really wanted in life was to have a baby. If one more friend calls and says they are expecting I just might go mad. I am so depressed now, I feel lost.

Why does God not want me to be a parent? Why does he allow all these women to get pregnant and then they go abort the baby? Why can all my friends get pregnant with out even any effort? Why Why Why? I am tired of begging and pleading with God to let us have a child. We are going to bankrupt in the process.

I know I have heard all the cliche and churchy answers about waiting for God's timing and He has a reason for all this. I just cant hear it anymore. I feel so lost, so down. Maybe I will never hold my own child, will I ever be fulfilled?

8 comments:

  1. I am so sorry. Doug and I will never be pregnant either. It is a horrible feeling when you feel that a door is closed. I am praying hard for peace for the both of you, and whatever decisions to be made. And yes, sometimes hearing about God's timing does not make you feel better, it didnt always for us, and still doesnt as we wait to adopt. I wish I lived near you girl and I could sit with you right now.

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  2. Oh Heather, I'm so sorry! You are not alone in your questioning. I asked the same sorts of things right after my miscarriage before Moriah, and I know a lot of women who struggle with fertility and have asked those same questions. You won't hear churchy answers here. Sometimes the best "churchiness" that my faith has been able to muster in times like that is: "God REALLY has a lot of explaining to do . . . and I believe He is going to do it one day. But he REALLY has a LOT of explaining to do!"
    Will be praying for you. This is a rough and lonely walk . . . and even if a lot of others have walked it before you, it doesn't change the fact that you often feel very alone. I am still hoping and praying that God has some very special plan in all this.

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  3. My dearest Heather....I don't have the answer and I wish I did for you and Sean...so many times things just clearly don't make sense, and I am so sorry for that....All I can say is I wish I could be there crying with you...my heart trully breaks for you...I totally undersatnd not wanting the churchy answers...I love you and know it doesn't take away any hurt or wondering why...but just know I would hold you and cry with and I do right now as I write this to you...All my Love, your best friend Kate♥

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  4. Oh my goodness....I am so unbelievably sorry. I can't imagine how you must feel. I know you were so excited about the IVF. I can't imagine how let down you must feel. And...I totally agree...when I am really down, the last thing I want to hear is that it will happen in His time. Even though deep in my heart I know that is true....it is really hard to stomach. I have asked all the same questions, and I think that is totally normal...it is a part of processing it all. I'm so sorry and I will continue to pray for you.

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  5. I am so sorry you are feeling this way! I know all these feelings all to well! You just have to hold on to HOPE! I know that sounds cheesy and the same thing other people say...but you can't give up! Praying for you!

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  6. Sweetie, I don't know what to say except that I'll say some prayers for you. I've been there in the desperation and heartbreak of infertility, and I know the journey is just different for everyone. I have so advice to offer, just prayers that you'll make it through this tough time. :)

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  7. Praying that the Lord will just hold you close. It is ok to cry .. God understands your pain.. remember he had to give his Son to die and had to turn his back while it happened. Cry to the Lord, hold close to your husband. I will pray that the Lord will give you peace that passes all understanding.
    K Hester

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  8. Big hugs and kisses from North Carolina I didn't want to say I am sorry, because I know that you will find a way you always do!!! you both are soooo strong. You found the love of your life and your best friend, some people can never find that. I know it will all come together.

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