Wednesday, July 13, 2011

The most gut-wrenching day yet......

Ladies I have some very tough news to share with you. Last night Sweetness and I had to make a very VERY tough decision that may shock some of you. But we cancelled the surrogacy last night. WHY? is probably going through your head right now.

Well let me explain. We were depending on my Mom to take out a loan to help us pay the surrogate. Well things have happened to her job and she is now unable to help us in this way and she wants to so badly. So this makes the financial situation we were in even worse. There just is no way this was going to happen financially. The last thing I wanted to do was to get the surrogate pregnant and then can't pay her. We agonized over this for several days. I lost so much sleep and I wasn't eating at all and was getting physically ill from all the stress, not to mention I was stimulating my ovaries and was feeling so ill from all that medicine. So we finally made the most difficult decision yet to date in our infertility journey.

I knew when I made this call that I was determining that I would never have a biological child of my own. This was our last ditch effort and now its over. To say this was difficult would be an understatement. I started crying as soon as my surrogate answered the phone. She was as kind as she could be. I know I caught her off guard as she was not expecting this at all- AT ALL. She was gracious and said she didn't hate me and that was all I could ask for. We are going to send her a monetary sum to thank her for her time and energy put into this effort with us. I hope one day she and I can still be friends, and I think that will happen but she just needs a little time.

So I sobbed and sobbed as Sweetness held me, he cried a tear or two himself and we realized we had come to the end of our infertility journey. This is not at all how I thought this would end but it is what has happened and I am trying to embrace it as best I can. So I stopped all medicine and will just let my follicles do whatever they want to do.

The adoption with my nephew's baby is still a possibility, and this weekend we are going to meet birth mom L, and hope she comes back to live with us, but right now she is torn. So we will see how it goes. But in my heart I know she can change her mind too and then we must accept our fate of being childless. We are truly DONE with the infertility road. We can not do it anymore. It has high jacked our life, our marriage, our finances and our emotions. Its time to reclaim all those things and try to be content in where we are.

We covet your prayers as we begin to transition from a life of medicines, cycles and a roller coaster of emotions constantly to something more normal and calm. I will update after this weekend and let you know how it all goes and what the outcome is with L. Please pray for our safe travels and I thank you all again for your friendship!!!