Thursday, December 2, 2010

I feel like I am loosing my faith

I am so sad...... I am sitting here at work with tears streaming down my face, and I just wonder why???? WHY????? Why can I not have the joy of a pregnancy, planning for a baby, birth and life with a child of my own????? Why am I putting my body through hell and back and still for NOTHING!!!!! I already know what my beta will say tomorrow...... so please don't try to sugar coat it with "maybe just maybe it will be positive tomorrow". I have thought that myself, and it aches too much to let my heart even try to muster up any more hope.

We still have a fresh cycle that we have paid for, but honestly I don't even want to do it anymore- I am tired of loosing my babies. We have lost 11 now....ELEVEN perfect, healthy babies. Then they are put into me and then they die........ why????

And if one more person says "well you can just adopt"...... really???? Do you have the $30-40,000 needed for that? Do you have it to give to us, after we have already spent well over $60,000 trying to have our own baby????

I know I am being unchristian, ungrateful or what ever you want to call it, but this is how I feel. I am disillusioned with living my life the best way I feel that God wants me to, and I cant have the true desire of my heart. Sweetness is so supportive and yet I know he aches too. I feel bad for telling him how desperate and dark I feel.

I know this is crazy of me to think,. but I really do feel like the Lord has forgotten me or is picking on me. Why does He allow all these women to conceive who don't want the baby, who abort them or otherwise abuse them??? Why does the Lord allow that little life to even be conceived? When we would be wonderful parents and we are continually denied the joy of a BFP. I know, I'll never know the answer this side of heaven.

I'm sorry if I have offened some of you with this post, or if you think differently of me now, but everyone has bad days, and today just happens to be one of my worst.

I don't think any one's heart can be as broken as mine is right now........