Tuesday, September 27, 2011

Any Day Now.....

I know you all are waiting and SO ARE WE!!!!!

I am in constant everyday contact (TEXTS....LOL) with L, just waiting for the moment that she says she has gone into labor. We are on high alert!!! The stress of all this has landed me in the hospital actually!!! I actually could not believe it myself.

Quickly, Thursday evening, I cam home from work at 10:30 pm, and my right arm and hand were tingling as I was changing clothes and then as I leaned into the mirror to remove my earrings, I saw my right side of my mouth drooping down and my eye doing the same and I began to drool- and BOY WAS I SCARED!!!!

Sweetness hopped out of bed and we flew to the ER, and my butt never hit the waiting room seats and I was wished back to the back and with in 2 mins there were about 13 people all around me hooking me up to everything they had in that place and I was petrified- of course I am "Dr. Marsden" so I knew this was probably a STROKE- so I was praying hard!!!

So then I was admitted- and upstairs I went- to Room 336 to be watched. It was the brand spanking new hospital that just opened last month and it sure was pretty!!! And with new hospital comes the new technology. For the 3 days I was in- everytime a baby was born there a little lullaby is played over the whole hospital, and the tears silently fell.....

So the Diagnosis was indeed a stroke variant from a migraine-even though I did not have a headache at the time!!!! Its a long story, but Ill have to explain later- but this is all brought on by stress.

But the point of the blog post- it looks like there will soon be a happy ending to all this stress I have endured for sooooooo long!!!!

So birthmom just said her sticking point between us and the other family with catholic charities is they will pay all the medical bills. Wow. Its always about Money. So she asked if she signed Chloe over to us, would we pay her medical bills? we agreed because she DOES have insurance under her father, and she will be in-network at that hospital, and all of Chloe's nursery costs will be covered under my insurance as my dependant, I think somehow we can swing it! But it certainly puts a new stress on it now doesn't it???

But the Lord Almighty has brought this sweet one to us, and He will work this out. But I just racked up a hefty medical bill myself with my STROKE this past weekend..... but man are we ever so thank ful.

I praise the Lord God- for it All--- and when I first hold my sweet baby girl- every last one of you will hear my screams of delight!!!!

I love you Chloe- hurry up and get here!!!

Thursday, September 22, 2011

The time is getting close

Just a small random update really.

L is still not in labor yet, she actually is at the doctor as I type. She goes every Thursday now for this last month. But my nephew whom I thought had his head screwed on straight has lost his mind apparently. He has apparently found a little part time on the side job while he is there awaiting the birth of his child, because he is soooo "bored". (Oh what I would do to be BORED). But come to find out this so called part time job is keeping him from making it to appts with L and specifically these very important doctor appts about the baby.

Last night Sweetness and I let him have it. L is texting me crying and all this because he wont come with her to the doctor (so simple right) and he is just sitting on the phone in silence with my husband. I am so over ALL OF THIS. Its getting to the point, where I dont care how it ends, it JUST HAS TO END. I am short of breath all of the time, migraine headaches not to mention the tight chest, and my doc says it is the extreme stress I am under. Because I am young my body is handling it in a different way, If I was an older person I would have had a heart attack by now.

I dont want to complain, I love Chloe, I adore her, the thought of her; but I just want this to be a peaceful, happy and joyous occasion. And because of the extreme immaturity of two teenagers it is sucking the absolute life out of my husband and me until we can not take anymore. There has to be an end to all of this, and SOON.

Other than that, we are just waiting patiently for the call we have been dreaming of. That she is in labor. It can come any day. ANYDAY!!!! I have always wanted a little carseat in my car, well here it is---- my very first precious little carseat in my car. It makes me tear up sometimes looking back at it, but I am envisioning that sweet baby in it, cooing and crying and the joy that will fill my heart when I hear that very soon!!!!

Thanks guys for everything- Please keep praying now more than ever- that L will not be so mad at my nephew at his latest stupid antics that she won't even let him in the room during her giving birth!!! I will update this blog from my phone when she goes into labor and we are driving so you guys will know to pray. Thanks again everyone- Sweet Baby Chloe is fast on her way to our arms hopefully very soon- I can feel it!!!

Thursday, September 15, 2011

4 more weeks.... then Chloe



I am so sorry I have not written an update since last time. to be honest I am so broken i have not even felt like rehashing all that happens daily and my heart is so totally broken by so many people and things but ill try to here quickly.

First of all I am so utterly disappointed in my family. We used to be a very close, praying family, but most of them are so self serving and selfish. The invitations to my baby shower were sent out to ALL of them for the shower on Sept. 24th and NOT ONE of them have RSVP ed to come, NOT ONE of them, and I have a huge family. granted most of them are out of town, but none of them have even called to say congratulations on your adoption, or better yet I have read your blog and I am praying for you--- NOTHING!!! I have no use for them- so I wont even be telling them of when and if I do adopt Chloe. I am so disgusted with them, it breaks my heart really.

On to the situation. SO MUCH has happened since I posted last I do not want to type it all out but basically it boiled down to this. I paid to fly my nephew home to PA, he is staying with his father in the same city where birth mom lives so he can go to appointments with her and be with her in general and most importantly be in touch so he can know when she goes into labor!!! Today they went to the doctor together and the doc said the due date for October 17th is still on, and no scheduled c-section is on right now. He also said baby girl is very healthy!! Then they called me and my nephew said she has one "condition" in order to give us the baby. OK- what is it? He said she does not want me in the delivery room when she delivers Chloe. OK. That's fine with me. Then I break down, sobbing, literally sobbing. He says she is right here if you want to say anything to her. I said well put her on the phone, he says she doesn't want to talk on the phone. I said well probably because she doesn't want to be called out on all her lies???

I started bawling again and said "L, all I have ever done is love you and love your baby- I don't know why you have done any of this to me and my husband. All I want is to love your baby and give her a beautiful life. If you will allow us to do that we will be forever grateful, but I can not handle this being strung on anymore this way, you are breaking me down for no reason."

So she finally said she will sign my attorney's paper's in the hospital and allow my nephew to take the baby across state lines to Virginia with us to allow us to adopt her here. I am so emotionally spent, its like I cant even get myself together to work I have cried so much!!!

So the baby shower on Sept. 24th has had to be postponed for obvious reasons, I guess she really wanted to make a fool of me. And now tomorrow birth mom and her mother are going to Catholic charities. I'm not sure what they are going to do. But I asked mu nephew why he wasn't going, and he said his dad had him doing some things around the house. What???? He needs to be at this meeting to find out what is happening with HIS BABY!!!

It seems I am the only one all concerned about this, I have absolutely no control at all over any of this- and I just feel so lost, so hurt, so angry, so broken. Why do all my students get to sit around and talk about all their babies, and I cant even participate??? Why does this have to be sooooo hard for us, when people take it for such granted???? I have friends having abortions because it wasn't convenient for them, and the they get pregnant again when it works better for them.... ARE YOU SERIOUS?????

I WILL NEVER UNDERSTAND GOD, NEVER!!!!!

So now I sit and wait for that anxious phone call, that she has gone into labor, we drop everything and fly up there as fast as we can drive 500 miles, and see if she means what she says..... so I need more prayers and happy thoughts and good wishes than ever before. PLEASE don't forget about us this next month until I can write and tel you , my precious Chloe bug has been born, and she is in my arms!!

THANK YOU MY SWEET FRIENDS, YOU HAVE ALL BEEN SO KIND- CLOSER THAN EVEN MY FAMILY... THANK YOU FOR EVERYTHING!!!

Tuesday, September 6, 2011

A small update

First- let me thank you all for the incredible outpouring of love and support over this past weekend. It was some of the hardest days I have ever faced. But with the help of Sweetness and my mom I have survived and am sitting here at work.

I did want to keep you all updated on what the goings on are. Yesterday I texted her and asked her if she would at least give me and/or the birth father the courtesy of knowing when she went into labor so we could be at the birth and she said yes. She said he next Dr appt is Sept. 15 and we can get a better update then. She keeps saying she may have to have a c-section and she would let us know the date and time. You know everything she says is tempered with a whole lot of distrust. She then told me how sorry she was and that she was an immature b**** and she wanted to change. I told her she did not have act this way and she could let this be a happy ending if she would allow it. She also said Catholic charities said the father could fight for the baby, but he does not have a home or resources to care for her at all.

So fast forward to today and my attorney finally called me back. She said that if we can be at the birth, she can draft documents allowing us to take the baby from the hospital and as long as the father accompanies us over state lines we can bring the baby here to Virginia and adopt her here. This is all contingent of course on her signing her rights away in the hospital. Also my attorney said catholic charities is notorious for being VERY aggressive with trying to get custody of the baby as soon as the baby is born. She also said the baby could end up in foster care for awhile and a judge may have to decide who gets the baby. I just do not have the time or money or emotional energy to fight the legal system that way. I just don't.

So I texted her back this afternoon and told her the scenario with foster care and all that, and I begged her to call off the situation with catholic charities. I told her if she cared at all about that baby- she would not use her as a pawn, like some rag doll to passed around, when she could be loved and in her bed very soon after birth if she would stop the games. She SAID she would call it off with catholic charities. Now whether she will or not - who knows but she said she wanted us to raise her and that she would cooperate for us to get her. I told her she has made a lot of mistakes and hurt us greatly but she can do right by us and her daughter by making sure we get her and she needs to do everything possible to ensure we can adopt her without making us go broke. I said a bunch of other stuff, but for brevity's sake, you get the picture.

So I have no idea what will happen from here. I am going to keep in touch with her daily on a limited basis just so i can find out when she goes into labor so we can get there. In about 2 weeks I will have the car packed with the carseat, bottles, formula, clothes, pacis, etc. and we will make a beeline to Pennsylvania when we get the call , and I guess my maternity leave with my job will begin then.

I still covet your prayers and your love as we wait so anxiously as to what our lives are going to be. I love that baby already and I guess that is why this hurts so badly.

Thank you all again.

Sunday, September 4, 2011

I am beyond words....

Well guys I have been played the biggest fool ever.  I  still riding home with Sweetness so I can not do a full blogpost on this phone but here is a small synopsis....... Went to her house to pick her up, she's texting saying she's not home, we knock on the door and speak to her stunned father for 45 mins-- cluing him in on all the lies she has told us.  But basically she has lied about everything..... She was going behind our back and made arrangements to have the baby adopted by Catholic Charities.  She never had any plan to come back with us or even giving us the baby.  So I let her have it last night and this morning...... I told her she is the most cruel and mean person I have ever known that preyed on our raw emotions of being infertile and that she has to live with what she has done to us.  She doesn't even care, but she did say that we can have her if Cody ( the father) gets her.
So basically our only saving grace is we are trying to get Cody back to PA before the baby is born to exert his rights and then I THINK my attorney said he can cross state lines with the baby and maybe do the adoption in VA.  I still am waiting on our attorney to call me back.  And I'm sorry to say but our nephew has his priorities screwed up.....he is living in a shelter in AZ and just found a job and his place at that shelter.is.contingent on the job.  But I just told him he.created this innocent.baby and he better come save her from the crazy girl who is her mother.  He brought us into this and we have traveled all over the eastern US to make this happen so he better get here.  So he said he would call us back and try to make some calls etc. And I guess we will fly him out to PA.
Needless to say I am so broken, so broken...... I don't care what happens to me.  Sweetness and I have just rode in silence all the way home as I sit and cry.  I just have lost all faith in God and humanity in general.  How could I be such a fool?????  Guess the joke is on me.

Thursday, September 1, 2011

My anxiety

My anxiety is through the roof right now for many reasons.

I just left my attorney's office and she has everything in order for whenever birth mom gives birth.  The one thing that I found out to day that is really good news is :  because Sweetness is the baby's great uncle, this will be a "immediate family parental placement adoption".  That all means basically that birth mom does have to appear in court with us and the baby as we were originally told.  This streamlines the whole process and makes it way more simple than before.  After birth she can oimmediately get on a flight home if she wishes.  if she wants to stay a few days then she can do that too but she does not have to wait around a full 10 days as we were originally told was the case.

So now the real anxiety issue is at hand........  we are leaving tomorrow afternoon again to go to Pennsylvania to pick her up.  She swears she is coming and I am going to give her the benefit of the doubt that she WILL come back with us this time as she has repeatedly promised.  Because if she does not give birth in this state then the streamlined family adoption can not take place.  So I am trying to so hard to trust the Lord, but my faith is so shaky right now, I want to desperately believe He sees me and he knows my fears and He would not allow me to be heartbroken yet again......That He will give me our happy ending.......  Lord please let it be so!!!!!

So I beg of all mt prayer warriors again to cover us in prayer today and especially Saturday morning that SHE WILL GET IN THE CAR and come back with us...... It is totally in God's hands, and I have no control over any of this so I must trust and try to be patient.

I will certainly update you guys as soon as I know something, maybe even in the car from my phone if I am able.  Thank you all again for walking through this with us!!!