Thursday, December 2, 2010

I feel like I am loosing my faith

I am so sad...... I am sitting here at work with tears streaming down my face, and I just wonder why???? WHY????? Why can I not have the joy of a pregnancy, planning for a baby, birth and life with a child of my own????? Why am I putting my body through hell and back and still for NOTHING!!!!! I already know what my beta will say tomorrow...... so please don't try to sugar coat it with "maybe just maybe it will be positive tomorrow". I have thought that myself, and it aches too much to let my heart even try to muster up any more hope.

We still have a fresh cycle that we have paid for, but honestly I don't even want to do it anymore- I am tired of loosing my babies. We have lost 11 now....ELEVEN perfect, healthy babies. Then they are put into me and then they die........ why????

And if one more person says "well you can just adopt"...... really???? Do you have the $30-40,000 needed for that? Do you have it to give to us, after we have already spent well over $60,000 trying to have our own baby????

I know I am being unchristian, ungrateful or what ever you want to call it, but this is how I feel. I am disillusioned with living my life the best way I feel that God wants me to, and I cant have the true desire of my heart. Sweetness is so supportive and yet I know he aches too. I feel bad for telling him how desperate and dark I feel.

I know this is crazy of me to think,. but I really do feel like the Lord has forgotten me or is picking on me. Why does He allow all these women to conceive who don't want the baby, who abort them or otherwise abuse them??? Why does the Lord allow that little life to even be conceived? When we would be wonderful parents and we are continually denied the joy of a BFP. I know, I'll never know the answer this side of heaven.

I'm sorry if I have offened some of you with this post, or if you think differently of me now, but everyone has bad days, and today just happens to be one of my worst.

I don't think any one's heart can be as broken as mine is right now........

12 comments:

  1. Dear Heather, I'm so sorry that you are in so much pain. I can't say that I know exactly how you are feeling because Patrick and I decided not to try any form of in vitro - but I have felt, and still feel today the exact frustration that you are feeling. I sit and wonder why so many people can get pregnant when they neglect, abuse and harm their children. About all I can say right now, is that you are not alone. Please know that if you need someone to chat with about these issues, that I am here for you. Try to remember that you have friends, and a very loving husband. That is how I have gotten through it.

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  2. Heather I love you very much even though we don't talk that often and I'm so sorry you are going through all of this. If there is anything I can do to help you through this dark time please call me. Come and visit us one weekend. Love Andrea

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  3. I know it's not exactly the same situation for anyone but I do understand
    how you are feeling today. You are super brave to be doing IVF.
    It terrifies me! My husband and I have been trying for 3 years
    to start our family. I'm not sure if I'll ever be brave enough to do IVF.
    Thinking of you and sending lots of love your way today.

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  4. Heather, thank you for sharing your blog link on my IVF blog. Please do not give up or lose your faith. If there is one thing I have learned through life it is that in the most desperate of times- there is ALWAYS HOPE and SOMETHING To be thankful for...look at this way- you found a man to share your life with- some women never do. I know you want that perfect family with the man you love and I am certain it will come for you in time. Thank you for sharing your story I know it takes courage. You are blessing people even if you don't know it.

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  5. Heather, I do not know you, but I know your pain of infertility. My DH and I have been trying for 3 yrs. I have had 10 failed IUI's and I just had my 1st IVF cancelled b/c my ovaries didn't respond to the meds. I felt robbed that I didn't even get to try. It IS hard to understand and trust that God has a plan for each of us. Especially when we hear that women throw their babies in the garbage. I even feel angry that the Duggar family is given 19 and I don't even have 1. Silly I know. (I do think they are an amnazing family:) You are not alone in your sadness, I used to pray that the Lord blesses me with a child, lately I pray the Lord takes away my aching to have one. I DO know how you feel. I will pray for you and your husband. God does hear us, HE just doesn't always answer when we want or the way we want. TAKE CARE!!!!!!

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  6. I am proud of you for being so honest! That is what we need to hear today!! God will honor your honesty and will give you the desires of your heart! It is always hard to wait for HIS Perfect Timing but it is always for the best even if we can't see it! Praying for you!!!

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  7. I am so sorry. I wish I could say something to make it better, but I know that I can't. Please know that I am praying for you tonight, and I pray that God will give you the peace that only He can.

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  8. Heather...I have SO been where you are right now. You don't want to get out of bed, you're afraid to go turn on the TV and see a baby commercial, you don't want to visit with friends and hear about all the traditions they are making with their children, and you definitely don't want to go out and face the world and slap a big fat fake smile on your face. It is SOOOO hard. I honestly do not have the answer, and you know we are still waiting on our little miracle too. I do know that the Lord loves us and He doesn't want us to feel this way. Yet, from time to time, we do. Trust in Him...continue to pray...and I will pray for you too.

    I so wish I could stop this pain...for you and me both.

    Love you!

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  9. I know exactly what you mean! I have felt the same way! I am sorry you are going through this and I know nothing I write will make it better. But I do know that God can make it better. Rely on Him even if you feel like He isn't there! Pray pray pray!! When I was going through my IF I ended up finding peace when I gave it ALL up to Him! Of course it took a while and alot of giving it up to Him daily..what am I kidding...every second! So don't beat urself up if this doesn't fix it all, but it will help. I know the pain and it simply SUCKS!!!!!! I will keep you and sweetness in my prayers and I am sending you lots and lots of hugs!!! Love U!

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  10. I am new to reading this blog, but just had to come out and comment to say that I really ache for you! You and your DH seem like loving, positive, Christian people and it is very hard to read about your struggle with infertility. I also have walked down that terrible IF path many years ago. I can honestly say that ten years and one child (who was my miracle thru adoption)later, I still can't see much good that came from that time of constant pain, fear and sadness. I lost one baby thru miscarriage at 9 weeks, had two failed IVFs and three surgeries to try to repair endo, all to no avail, it hurt so much for so long! I support you both in the only way a perfect stranger can, thru prayer and positive energy that I'm sending your way. Honestly, you may never endure anything quite as painful as this time in your life. I know I never have, and I'm alot older than you. Hold on, as best as you can, to hope and to your marriage......I wish you peace and fulfillment.

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  11. i have followed your story but never commented before. You have nothing to be ashamed of because of what you feel right now. I have no doubt you are a woman of faith. I will pray for peace for you and your husband regarding whatever decision you reach. Please know that sharing your struggle is helping others you dont know.
    Lisa

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