Wednesday, January 12, 2011

Hope renewed....maybe?

Wow! Have we sure done a 180 this week. So Monday starts off terrible, BM tells me she has basically changed her mind, and she is confused. I still have not heard anything from her. Not counting on it either really.

And thankfully I already had scheduled an appointment with my RE after my last failed IVF cycle and it was for yesterday, Jan. 11th of all days. But I was actually really glad, because I needed some hope to keep me going. So yesterday, Sweetness and I made the trip again to the RE, and boy am I glad we did. Dr. O was so nice and sweet, and he really felt so sorry for us, being so close only to have it yanked from us again.

So we decided on how to proceed on our last and final attempt at IVF. The plan is as follows: If I have not seen AF by next Tuesday- I will pop in for a quick Progesterone/Estrogen check. If both are low we will go ahead and start BCPs. If progesterone levels are low, it means I ovulated, we will begin that day also. IF my estrogen is still low, then we will do a course of Prover.a and thicken my lining so i hopefully will start. Then.... whenever the day that I start is we begin BCPs for 2 weeks, with Lupr.on overlapping one week with BCPs, then we start stimming for 10 days or thereabout. Then we trigger and have the egg retrieval, then on to a 5-day transfer hopefully. I have never had a blast transfer so I am looking forward to doing something different.

He said I have to really reduce the stress, and be positive- so I will get pregnant! He was so supportive- He said there is no reason why I am not getting pregnant and can not get pregnant. That made me feel better. So that is our plan. Basically I think this will take us to end of February for the transfer.

We have a renewed sense of hope and are cautiously optimistic. Hopefully we will have a girl, because now I have a beautiful girl themed nursery...... I had taken all these pictures of us as we painted the room, and decorated it so beautiful with all the hopes and dreams in front of us, but somehow I cant bring myself to post them here. For now we have all the baby stuff in the nursery and have the door closed. I told Sweetness last night that soon we will be able to open that door and be excited about being in there. I just know we will.

I am still struggling spiritually. I have always been the girl who held on to my faith- but I am really struggling with what I believe- is there a God or not??? and I'm embarrassed to say I really don't know anymore. What good can possibly come out of us in this pain, and despair and longing for a child when everyone else has one and some have no means to care for them etc. I just want to understand. And no one has any answers for me. This has really brought me to my knees and I am hoping to have some peace about all of this soon.

I really thank you for your prayers for our upcoming cycle and for me as I search. You ladies are so wonderful. Thank you for standing by us in such a difficult time. At least I have my Sweetness......


  1. Heather-I follow your blog everyday and you are in my prayers everyday. I too, am struggling with not only failed fertility treatments (just got my 11th failed IUI today, 1 failed IVF) I am struggling with what I thought was a solid belief in God, Jesus........ I attended christian high school, christian college.. I "saved" myself and remained abstinent until I met the man of my dreams. Unfortunately that didn't happen until age 34. I am now premenopausal at 36yrs old and have diminshed ovarian reserve. I can't help but think if I would've just "slept" around I could've had children instead of "wasting" my reproductive years. I did what I thought was right in God's eyes. I am absolutely heartbroken and torn for the first time in my life in what I believe. I sit back and watch as people live as far from God as they possibly can and have a child only to throw it in a garbage dumpster. Why does God bless a women with a child only to kill it?? Why does He not bless you and DH?? I feel angry and I hate feeling this way. The one thing that is getting me by is what my mother keeps repeating, "HE knows what HE is doing?" Really?? Because it doesn't feel that way?? PLEASE know you are not alone, I know you don't know me, but you and DH are in my thoughts everyday. As I read your blog you give me and I am sure soooo many others strength!!! Your new plan sounds great and I will be throwing TONS of BABYDUST your way!!! I would post my name but I don't understand blogstuff much. If you'd like my email is:
    TAKE CARE!!!

  2. I have never walked in your shoes, and I wish like anything I could give you your heart's desire! I have had my share of other hardships in this life and one phrase has always gotten me through...

    Hold on, sweet friend, hold on.

    He's not finished yet, as my mom has told me countless times in my life. Some of my favorite mentors are those who have walked roads I cannot imagine and come out on the other side of the fire more beautiful, more refined, more strong than they could have ever imagined.

    Hold on, sweet friend, hold on.

    We send our love.

  3. I've been struggling with words and what to say to make you feel better. We got close to adopting our great niece and it was tough when it didn't work out. It's heartbreaking and there isn't much people can say that helps, is there?

    I hope your last cycle is YOUR cycle girl. I'm praying for you so much.

    Sending lots of hugs and prayers