Monday, January 10, 2011

My worst fears came true...

Well it almost does not feel real. Is this really happening to me right now??? Yes it really is. This morning I met with the birth mom before her class and she said her soon to be ex-in laws found out she was pregnant on Facebook. And they are furious with their son for what he is doing to her and the baby. So she talked to her mother in law several times this weekend and she does not want her to place the baby for adoption. And now her mother is saying she will watch the baby and help her so she can go back to school too. So she said she is so confused but she thinks she has changd her mind. Yep my worst fear but one that I always knew could happen but was praying against it. She said she is seeing her psychiatrist tomorrow, someone who is neutral in the situation and help her "pick apart her brain" so she can figure out what she wants. Then she said she did not want us to hate her. I told her hate was not the right emotion, but of course I am going to be devastated and totally heartbroken. So she hugged me and walked away. She said she would let me know I asked her not to leave us wondering. She promised to call.

And then I made the walk down the hall to go teach my class. I felt my heart was crushing under the pain, and I was going to have a panic attack. I was proud of myself and just kept talking and teaching and the hours kept going by. I've called the attorney and the social worker and they are all heartbroken for us.

We really did just spend the whole weekend painting the nursery a pretty pink and got everything we needed for the baby. We were so ready for this. We are so ready to be parents, to love a little someone, and just be done with all this stuff and be happy and just live our life!!!

Thank you to all of you for your support. And by coincidence really we still had an appointment with our RE tomorrow as a follow up visit to out last failed Ivf, so I guess we are going to that and regroup and go for our last 2 attempts. I don't want to do this, my body is tired, and I don't know if it can handle this again but it will be the last time. Please just pray for us, for our heats, for our marriage to stay strong, for our will to line up with His. This really is a stressful day.
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10 comments:

  1. I am SICK about this! Praying for you on my knees RIGHT now!!!!!

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  2. My heart is broken but I know God is ALWAYS in control of our lives. I can not see the purpose for having to go through yet more pain but yet I still trust that good will come for all this experience. Stay faithful and trust your Father in heaven, he only desires the very best for HIS children. I love you both, Mom

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  3. Just know that so many people are praying for you. Your an amazing woman and I know you and your husband will find strength in your faith.
    Psalm 34:18
    "The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit"

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  4. I am so very sorry. My heart is broken for you.

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  5. I've been following your blog and praying for you for a while now. I like the scripture that anon. left you and thought that i would add my favorite too. It has alway brought me the most comfort and maybe it will for you too!

    Let us hold fast the confession of our hope without wavering, for He who promissed is faithful! Hebrews 10:23

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  6. I am so very sorry for this loss Heather. Only God can fill this temporary hole in your heart- hold fast onto Him.

    ....I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances. I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. I can do everything through Him who gives me strength." Philippians 4: 11b - 13, NIV

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  7. Heather,

    I am so, so sorry this has happened. I am in shock and devastated for you both. This was a fear I had for you. A fear I've always had with adoption.

    Like so many has told me in my trials, "there is a reason for everything." No matter how bad things hurt right now, there has to be a reason and good has to come out of bad.

    God Bless.

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  8. I am sooooo sorry for you and your family!! If you need anything just call!
    NC GAL

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