Monday, August 30, 2010

A very hard weekend....

I'm not gonna lie- this weekend was so tough. After the realization on Thursday that we have lost yet another 3 babies, I have been just crushed. I mean Thursday evening, I literally had a breakdown. No one can grieve for my babies but me- but they were MY babies. We have now lost 8 perfect babies. I guess one of the hardest things to think about right now, is that there is a very good chance these babies or any baby that we lost, would have survived if put into a working uterus!
Yes we do still have 3 more attempts that we have paid for, however I don't want to get to end of it all- and have no embryos left and no live baby! So we have tentatively decided to begin looking at surrogacy and/or adoption.

My sister-in-law Laura has offered to be a surrogate for us, but she lives in Pennsylvania and she is older (47 I think). So we are exploring some other family that might do it for us as an incredible gift. In my heart I would have loved for my life-long best friend Kate to be a surrogate for me. However 2 months ago today, we parted ways. It really hurts some days when I want to talk to her, but then again she was never available when I needed someone to talk to, and very secretive about everything. It evolved into something that was no longer a BFF relationship. I know that this has been for the best- emotionally I am much more calm, but you still miss someone after you are so used to them being in your life.

So tomorrow is the official beta- but we already know the outcome. It was suppose to be today, but today was the first day of school and I could NOT be late. So I will mosey on in in the morning, and have blood drawn just to receive the dreaded call tomorrow afternoon.

My soul just aches to hold my baby. When will it be my turn Lord, when??????


  1. i'm so so sorry for your BFN, for your losses. i truly hope your beta brings you a miracle.

  2. Hey,

    I recently started following you and am just catching up on your story.

    My heart aches for you. I know how bad we can ache for a baby to hold, to teach, to protect, to nourish. That is great that you are considering surrogacy-I don't think most think of it as a possibility for them. What a sweet thing for somebody you know to consider offering their body to you/baby for 9 months.

    Unfortunately, we won't know that answers to, "Why God. Why?" until we get to Heaven I think. But, I think it will be a beautiful answer. All in His timing. All in His timing.