Friday, December 10, 2010

I have a perfect uterus..... but no baby......

Well girls, just a quick update- The surgery went well this morning. My RE came out and said my uterus looks beautiful, and the openings/canals leading down to my fallopian tubes both look great. Well isn't that nice? My uterus is perfect, but yet so imperfect that it has not accepted 11 perfect embryos. Ugh.... I can not even begin to express my frustration.

So where we go from here: I wait a month- and hopefully I start on or about Jan. 10th. I probably wont due to I know how stubborn my body is- but nonetheless, I will call him and he will "make" me start. Then we move on to our last fresh IVF cycle. Its scary to think about it- our last one. The money has run out- so this one will be it. And of course we have one more FET with the embryos we make during this fresh cycle.

If these last 2 attempts do not work we will pursue the surrogacy route- with either my mother or a friend. (Maybe this summer).

I am really at the end of my faith and hope- and I never thought I would be saying this. I have truly trusted the Lord my whole life and can look back and see His hand at work in my life- but this thing- this Infertility --has brought me to my knees, to the end of my faith as I question why a loving God whom I have served so faithfully and whole-heartedly would withhold this incredible blessing from us. The Bible says children are a blessing from the Lord- why is He not blessing us? What good possibly comes from my heart and Sweetness' heart aching in this indescribable way??? There are no answers- the silence is deafening some nights.

But we will continue to fight this evil infertility and see if my body will somehow respond and prove me wrong. I love you guys and appreciate all the support- I am just trying to regroup and move on down the road in this journey. I will update again soon.

Love and ***baby dust*** for all of you still struggling also- we are bound together in this pain.

3 comments:

  1. Heather,
    I know exactly how you feel; I've been there for the last 17 years. Every fertility check no matter what Dr I went to see, from NY to Maryland, it was always "there's nothing wrong with you. You're uterus and tubes are beautiful." Yada, Yada.

    I know your frustrations from one end of this infertility spectrum to the other. I feel your pain through your words, pain that I am way too familiar with, but one thing you hold in your heart is 'Endurance' and 'Perseverance' 2 words that in the end take over no matter how much we hurt and long for the dream of having a baby.
    I've been right where you're at right now EXACTLY. Funds are diminished, last IVF. It's heartbreaking and nerve wracking, but take the holidays, no matter how hard they may seem, enjoy them. Clear your mind and embrace the New Year of NEW hopes. There has to be a happy ending for both of us.

    I'm losing 1/2 my salary starting in 2011. Any hopes I had of anything significant fertility wise is gone. We had decided to move on to Donor Embryos before this news from my employer and it just broke my heart even more not knowing if we could even afford that. We have been blessed by an angel on earth regardless. She came to us after another donor changed their mind on us at the end. I am going to embrace this blessing and God will provide for this dream to come to pass. I have to believe He will. This dream will come true for both of us at one point. I just know it.

    God Bless you and DH. Happy Holidays and I'll be keeping you both in my thoughts for the New Year!

    ~HUGS~

    Lorrie

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  2. Oh sweetie. Man, I'm so sorry that you didn't get answers. It's so frustrating when you don't get answers, even if things are "normal".

    I'm always, always here for you. Thinking and praying for you. (((HUGS)))

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  3. have you thought about getting a 2nd opinion? i'm unexplained and after transferring 9 embryos with one RE and no baby, i switched and my new RE did a bunch of testing my old RE wouldn't even consider. we did a hysteroscopy (looks like that's already in the works for you) and he took some biopsies while he was in there, we did the thrombophilia panel, immune testing (DQ Alpha for DH and me, and natural killer cell assay for me), and we also did karyotyping. everything came back normal but i tested positive for homozygous MTHFR (2 copies of the c-mutation). since most everything came back normal, we also opted to do PGS/CGH testing on the embryos to make sure we were transferring normal embies. and now i'm 6w pregnant with twins. i'm not sure what part worked, but something did!

    i hope you get answers and your miracle very very soon!

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