I would die for that......

Many of you may have seen this video before- but as we are remembering the horrible struggle of infertility during National Infertility Awareness week- I thought I would share it again for those who may have not seen it when I posted it about a year ago.

This is so dear to my heart, simply because I would at this point in my life die for the feeling of just holding MY VERY OWN baby in my arms. I have real fears that this may never happen to Sweetness and me and it breaks my heart. I cant wait to smell the "baby smell" and to hear "I love you Mom". I just want to know what it is like to bring my dream to life...... Enjoy.

Tough Decisions Ahead

So sorry I have not posted sooner- I have been a bit scatter brained as of late and supper busy.

Where to begin??? Well remember last post I said I had 5 friends finding out if they got their BFP through IVF cycles last week. Well 3 of the 5 are pregnant. I think that is about right statistically. I am genuinely happy for them- but it still reminds me of what I will never feel.

Moving along...... so we finally got the call from the clinic and as of right now, they have no embryos for us to adopt other than the 4 we have already (that can not be used with our surrogate). So that put us all the way back to square one. So our options from here are as follows:

1- find a new surrogate through the other fertility clinic in my area, with the help of money my amazing mom is borrowing for us. Then using the 4 adopted embryos we have now in her.

2- taking the 4 embryos we adopted and put them in me. (not a good choice I don't think-I just don't feel as if it would give them a honest shot at survival, I have absolutely no confidence or hope that I will ever conceive at this point)

3- go through IVF again and get my own eggs and Sweetness' sperm and use our own embryos in our current surrogate. But of course there is this Kell blood situation. So hubby and I have already had our blood drawn this week to see if our biological embryos would be compatible with our current surrogate. Both of us would have to be Kell negative. But this option does not solve our issues with what to do with our 4 adopted embryos.


So you can see we have a lot on our plate and so many key decisions to make. So I am trying not to stress or worry, and just try to let the Lord open and close doors where He wants- and that we would know for sure what His Will is- and we will go that path.

Thank you all for praying so diligently for us. I have felt so isolated lately- just hanging with my infertility group friends and they are wonderful- but there are not long standing relationships where people can just be together without talking (ya know those close friendships??) but I am hoping that several of these ladies will turn into forever friends.

I am ashamed to say I did not go to church on Easter- just could not handle all the pretty babies and kids in their Easter clothes and running all around- with pretty picture like families that we want so badly--just more agony on my heart. I hope the Lord will understand and He knows my heart well.

I will update again soon as soon as we know which option we will choose.

God Bless you all............

Still pondering our choices.....

Hey ladies!!! Just wanted to let you know I am still here. We are pondering several choices at the moment. But before I share all of those with you, we are waiting on our doctor to call as he promised he would by end of the week. After he calls, we will have a better idea of how we are going to proceed.

And I must give a big shout out to my girl Tina- who found out today her first beta was 550!!! 550 people!!! We are thinking definitely twins!!!! So happy for her- she is the sweetest, most amazing woman and she will be a beautiful pregnant mommy to inspire us all!!! Love you girl!!!

And as I told you in my last post I have 5 friends finding out the results from their IVF this week. Tina is one- BFP- another friend sadly got a BFN from her second IVF, and my other friend who on Monday got a first beta of 18, sadly it went down to 8 - and she has miscarried. My heart aches for her, so please stop by her blog and give her a virtual hug, because we all know this pain too well. Love you Tammy!!! And there are still 2 more to come in tomorrow!!!!

But I do find myself genuinely happy for them, and sad for the others at the same time. Infertility SUCKS and I would not wish it on my worst enemy. It is just awful. But if we stick together we can support each other emotionally. I will be back to blog tomorrow when I know something!!!

The worst possible news....

Well as the title of thispost you can tell today was not what I had planned. The Kell tests came back, and the biological mother of the embryos is Kell + and the father is Kell negative. So all that means is that we can NOT put our 4 donated embryos into our surrogate. UGH UGH UGH UGH. Remember she makes antibodies aganist the Kell protein, so she would unknowingly attack the embryos.

So now what?????? I have no idea! I am so upset, deflated and miserable right now. Why is God allowing us to suffer so much? Some people get pregnant after 1 or 2 rounds of IVF- and we are willing to go through all of this- and to still have it stripped away WHY????

I feel like a kid in line watching everyone else get their candy or their perfect Christmas gift, and there I am when they say "I'm sorry I didnt bring enough, we are one short" and there I am with empty aching arms. Where's mine????

I don't really have any thing more to say, I am still in shock really.

Please pray for me. I really need it today.

Tomorrow is the BIG day!!!

Well, we are still full steam ahead and we are getting sooooo excited!!!!! Tomorrow is the day we FINALLY go to the doctor, me and my surrogate, to get this party started! She is ready and we are SOOOOO ready!

The appt is at 130pm, and before that I am meeting with the clinic director to make sure all the paperwork is done and in hand so they ship these embryos already!!!! I will have lots of updates tomorrow afternoon. Please pray this all works out according to His plan and His ways!!!

Also I have not heard from any of my friends yet, but 5 of them find out this week whether they are pregnant after IVF or not! I cant wait to report the amazing news!!! Thanks again for you guys!

???? Ask me anything ????

Hello ladies!!! Things are moving along very nicely....... mounds of paperwork and legalities, but in the end I feel like it really is going to happen!!! When there are more bigger milestones happening, I will let you know.

The next thing is this Tuesday is when my surrogate and myself meet for the first time with my doctor. This will be the beginning step to prepare her uterus and to make sure we are all on the same page!

So I wanted to give all my blogger girl friends that have supported us and prayed for us so much the opportunity to ask me anything you might have a question about!

I will answer every question. Include your email address so I can respond privately if you would like :) Can't wait to hear the questions you have always wanted to ask!!!!

Waiting.........

Today I am feeling frustrated. I am this way because I feel like I am on hold waiting for someone to call me and tell me when they are shipping the embryos. I have done all the paperwork as has the bio parents. My clinic said something crazy on Thursday like "we have to talk to the embryologist at their clinic to see what STD testing was done when the embryos were created to be sure we can accept them here." Huh??? Don't we all have the same standardized STD testing done no matter where you have IVF done? UGH...... and no one will answer my calls or call me back to tell me what the deal is. SO here I sit and wait..... and wait..... Not to mention that the same old mess has started again at work. I really need a new job but for now this one pays the bills and hopefully our surrogate so I must stick it out. Just having a blah day! **Sigh**

Cuttin' through all the red TAPE!!!!

I feel like superwoman on the phone all day- arranging this, organizing that, filling out this form and faxing it here, and getting this contract signed and this test done!!! I mean I am so glad I am OCD organized or I would be in big trouble trying to get all this done!! I am cuttin' through all this red TAPE!!

So here is what got accomplished today: The bio parents both had their blood drawn at their clinic in SC to get the blood tests done, to be sure the embryos will not be attacked by our surrogate's blood supply. This is a huge hurdle that has taken a LONG time to get arranged! So this makes me so happy that it actually got done!

Also, there is a special company called Xytex that we are using to transfer and ship the embryos from SC to my clinic in VA. I got all those forms filled out today and paid them a large sum on mooooolah and got it faxed back. So as soon as the clinic in SC gets the tank from Xytex, then the snow babies will be shipped overnight to VA!!!! This all seems like it is happening, it's all REALLY coming together!

Tomorrow I will pop into my attorney's office, take her a final signed/notarized copy of our surrogacy contract, and also pick up a short addendum. And then we are done with that part!

I am so happy today that THREE of my personal friends had their FET today!!! Tammy had twins transferred, and she also adopted her embryos!!! Stick little ones stick!!!

And two of my friends from my infertility support group, Tina and Brandy, also had 3 snow babies transferred each this morning! It was really cool actually, they were right beside each other in the OR holding suites at our clinic! Nothing like the support of your infertile sister when you are right there!

I hope I don't sob into a puddle when all three get pregnant. But I really do want it so badly for all of them!!! I am praying for all of you!!!

Will update soon, when I know more!!!

Finally got the Codes!

So I have told you that our surrogate has a blood issue that needs special testing before we can transfer these embryos into her uterus. If everything is not just right- she could attack the babies in utero causing major damage to her and the babies. So believe me, we have consulting with maternal/fetal medicine guys and countless doctors and labs trying to get the right test codes to get these tests ordered. Th e bio parents of the embryos are being wonderful!!! She and I talk daily and I am sooooo blessed to have a woman like this in my life who not only is donating her precious embryos to us to raise but is going out of her way to do this blood testing to help us be successful in this surrogacy!!! I am so thankful to you J!!! So the nurse from her clinic called me today and we discussed all the testing and FINALLY were able to get the correct codes in order to get her and her hubby tested!!!! This may not seem like a big deal to any of you reading this but let me tell you, it is HUGE HURDLE!!!! I am not even entertaining the idea that any of this blood work will come back any thing less than perfect. God is in control of all of this and has orchestrated it all, and He is not worried, so neither am I. And finally tonight is our monthly RESOLVE meeting- for infertile women. I am so excited to see them again- I truly miss them when we don't get together for awhile! Tonight we have a speaker, who is a woman's counselor on infertility and woman's issues. She is actually the same lady that did me and Sweetness' psych eval last week! So funny! Thanks for all the prayers and things are coming together!! PS- Tammy - I am praying for you sweetie- Friday is going to be the start of a wonderful pregnancy!!! Love you!

This is a lot of work!

Wow! I think we are doing things THE most complicated way possible to have a baby!!! We are using a surrogate (with a blood issue), using donor embryos from another state, and adopting them at the end. That folks is ALOT if legal paperwork!!! I feel like I have done most everything I can do at this point, but now we are waiting on these blood tests to beorered to be sure the embryos are compatible with my surrogate's blood issue. My nurse at my clinic is on vacation this week- and the clinic where the embryos are stored need to speak to her. Ugh nothing is easy when you are not there ans can not just do it yourself!!! I am trying to realx and trust that this will all come together. After all we have accomplished a LOT! -We got our homestudy done and approved, - we got the surrogacy contract written by our attorney and signed and notarized by all parties, - we got our psych eval done, - we got the embryos being shipped soon, - surrogate got her blood drawn for STD panel and Ive got the other contracts for termination of parental rights all ready. But I just wish this did not take sooooooo long! Patience......... just relax, god will work all this out! And to add to my stress- today is my first day back at work after 6 weeks off. Lets just say I am going to have to ease into this. It was so nice being home but Ive got to make some money to pay our surrogate! Thats about all the update for now- I can hardly wait until tomorrow night for our monthly Infertility support group meeting! I just love these girls and love to be around them! Talk soon:)