My anxiety

My anxiety is through the roof right now for many reasons.

I just left my attorney's office and she has everything in order for whenever birth mom gives birth.  The one thing that I found out to day that is really good news is :  because Sweetness is the baby's great uncle, this will be a "immediate family parental placement adoption".  That all means basically that birth mom does have to appear in court with us and the baby as we were originally told.  This streamlines the whole process and makes it way more simple than before.  After birth she can oimmediately get on a flight home if she wishes.  if she wants to stay a few days then she can do that too but she does not have to wait around a full 10 days as we were originally told was the case.

So now the real anxiety issue is at hand........  we are leaving tomorrow afternoon again to go to Pennsylvania to pick her up.  She swears she is coming and I am going to give her the benefit of the doubt that she WILL come back with us this time as she has repeatedly promised.  Because if she does not give birth in this state then the streamlined family adoption can not take place.  So I am trying to so hard to trust the Lord, but my faith is so shaky right now, I want to desperately believe He sees me and he knows my fears and He would not allow me to be heartbroken yet again......That He will give me our happy ending.......  Lord please let it be so!!!!!

So I beg of all mt prayer warriors again to cover us in prayer today and especially Saturday morning that SHE WILL GET IN THE CAR and come back with us...... It is totally in God's hands, and I have no control over any of this so I must trust and try to be patient.

I will certainly update you guys as soon as I know something, maybe even in the car from my phone if I am able.  Thank you all again for walking through this with us!!!

The Amazing World of Etsy

Hey Ladies!!! I thought I would do a fun post on something other than the anxiety I am rattled with right now waiting for this weekend when we are "supposed" to pick up birthmom again. So let's focus on something fun, shall we???

My friend got me turned onto Etsy, a really cool website that almost everything on there is handmade specialty products that you can get personalized for you, your home, your family or your child. Somethings are really pricey, others are really reasonable and one of a kind items, you can't find anywhere else.

So I have taken a gallery of pictures of the sweet things I have gotten for Chloe on Etsy over the last months, and I thought I would share some of them with you. This is a long post with lots of pictures, so just warning you. Some friends have been asking what stores I purchased things from- so especially Tara- here you go honey!!!

So one of the first things I ordered from Etsy were some amazing wall decals from the shop on etsy called LeentheGraphicsQueen. There are so many shoppes on etsy that have literally 1000s of different quotes, scripture etc. One that I loved, and put over our bed is the one pictured below....... so sweet.

This one is over the french doors in our living room and it reads one of my favorite quotes that I cling to- "The WILL of God will never take you where the GRACE of God will not protect you." Love it.

And this one I placed in our hallway, by the thermostat LOL.

And then last but certainly not least, I have already posted this one before in this post on Chloe's room, I HAD TO HAVE THIS ONE...... it is my anthem!

And while I was looking for the above quote, I stumbled upon a wonderful shop on Etsy called pinknbluebaby and they have millions of beautiful trees and other designs specifically for nursery walls. I love this one with the pink birdies which matches her bedding.

And then I had this sweet door sign made from the shop MamaMessages. Again it is my heart's cry and cant wait to hang it on baby girl's door!!

So now lets move on to the things I have gotten specifically for Chloe. I have not gotten much in newborn size, because they grow out of it so quickly. Most everything I have gotten is 6mos or larger.

Let's start with her Clemson wear. As you know if you are a regular reader of this blog, Sweetness is their biggest fan and Chloe will become one too if he has anything to say about it!!
So the little dress on the right that says "Clemson girl" was handmade by a lady that runs the shop called elizabethannoriginal just for her!!! It is so precious, lined and double stitched- great quality!! The cheerleader outfit on the left was hanging in the window when we rode by a children's consignment shop in town called "Sweet Repeats". Sweetness literally stopped the car and made a U-turn to go back to this shop and grab it out of the window. It's going to be so sweet to see her in it in 2 years as it is a 2T, but for $6 you cant beat it!!!

I also got this hat and little Clemson clippy bow on Mamasbowtique on Etsy.

Speaking of bows, I ordered some sweet crocheted ones and ones with a thin elastic band. I am not a big fan of the thick crocheted head bands, they look too big to me on a baby's small head.

And this cute little hat, from the shop PolkaDotBabyBowtique. It is monogrammed with her name and some sweet Swarovski crystals applied. Going to be so sweet on her little head!!

Some people asked where I got these letters that are hung on her wall with the ribbons and "destressing" already done to them. I purchased them from a site on etsy called SplitRockCreek.

The personalized apparel you can get on etsy is just so pretty. I got her some cute monogrammed bibs. Both of these were only $15. They were purchased from a store on etsy called mylittlehedgehog.

And then this little beauty is my favorite. I am soooo into smocked children's clothing now. Chloe will be wearing a lot of it!!!! I purchased this beautiful white rainbow bishop smocked dress. It is so gorgeous and I am dying to put it on her!!!

Here is a closer picture showing the intricate beautiful work done on this dress. It was purchased on a site called NancysFancyDesigns.

And this little beanie cap was hand knitted with love specially ordered and it is for her newborn pictures. It is so tiny and so sweet. it came from the shop called ForStitchesSake.

I purchased a lot of bows already from many places but the ones above are from the Hairbowdepot store on etsy. So precious and cant wait to dress her up with little bows!!!

These are 2 of my favorites, specially personalized for her.

And this has to be the sweetest thing I have ordered. It comes from a store called LilPixieBoutique. She makes some ahhh-mazing stuff on there!!! Its a onsie and a matching beanie hat!!

And then back to some more Collegiate wear for football season. This precious little Alabama dress with matching bloomers came from a store called Alabamaonmymind!!! Toooo cute!

And of course another clemson outfit, this says Clemson cutie on it and it is a little dress with attached bloomers!!! Its gonna be tiger paw land in my house, with Sweetness and Chloe all dressed in orange.

And this little set was a gift from a friend who told me she purchased it on etsy. Not sure of the store, but I just love handmade stuff!!

And then there is this beautiful tutu I had made for her. It will be so cute for her 1st birthday and a prop for professional pictures etc. Anyone that knows me knows I looooooove rainbows so I chose these colors because It will go with anything!!! Look for pictures with this tutu in the near future!! Oh and this came from the shop called gogirlusa.

So there you have it. I may have missed a few things but overall this is a great look at the kinds of things you can buy on etsy for all my friends out there that are pregnant or have some small babies you would like to dress up in cuteness!!

Good 'ole Irene !!!

Well just in case you live under a rock...... we are getting hit by a pretty bad hurricane this weekend. Sweetness and I have decided to stay home and ride it out. I actually do not think it's going to be AS BAD as they were originally saying two days ago.

But we have taped up all the windows, gotten non perishable groceries, filled the bath tubs with water, taken pictures of all our belongings, charged all cell phones and our back up batteries, and we are as ready as we can be.

So supposedly by the time we wake up in the morning (Sat morning) we will be having tropical force winds and then tomorrow evening is going to be hard core. The vet gave us a sedative tonight for each dog to help them ride out the storm. They are both so old and they have been so nervous all day, I wanted them to not have a full blown panic attack when that wind starts howling tonight.

But thank you all so much for the facebo.ok messages and the prayers wondering how we are and if we are staying or not.

And earlier this week (Tuesday) we had the first earthquake centered on the east coast in 64years I think I heard. It was so eery to feel the whole building shake under you!!!

Thankfully I know I am a born again christian, because all of this sure makes me think that it is getting close to the end times...... but please Lord let me become a mom first...... I am sooo close.

Birth mom actually CALLED me, yes I really talked to her on the phone today not just texted. And she sounds really excited finally to come here an stay with us. The biggest news of the day is that the doctor pushed up her due date to Oct. 17th!!!!! Wow that means we literally have like 7 weeks until she is supposed to be here!!! And Ive said all along I think she will deliver early,. Its getting so close I can taste it....I can feel her in my arms, and I can small that new baby smell......

Thank you all again for everything. Please keep praying, we are almost ready to get off this roller coaster!!

I will update on the other side of Irene....... here we go!!!

20 wk ultrasound today....

No not for Chloe.... She is already 31 weeks old!!!

But today surely was not at all what I expected. I arrived at work this morning to a sobbing student. I took her in another room and we discussed what was wrong. In a short version, she is 20 wks pregnant (which I already knew), and her boyfriend broke up with her last night and wants nothing more to do with her or the baby. But a caveat here, they broke up once before in march and she got drunk and slept with some guy she was in the Navy with, then her and her boyfriend got back together and she slept with him 3 days later!!! So there in lies the rub, she has no idea whose baby this is.

So her boyfriend originally told her he loved her anyway and was excited about the baby but now he says he cant do it...... (I kind of don't blame him really) but I was just trying to be supportive.

So then she says that today is her 20 week gender/morphology ultrasound and she doesn't want to go alone, and she was sobbing asking me if I would go with her?? So of course I said yes.

I thought I could do it, and just enjoy the amazement of it all....... Well I was kinda right, kinda wrong.

let me just say that the experience was AHHH-mazing!!1 I have never seen that amazing detail of the precious baby at 20 weeks. You could see all the chambers of his heart and all the parts of the brain. They measured his humerus and femur and he weighs a whopping 10 oz today. And then she was able to find out it is a BOY!!!! I was so thrilled as we stood there staring at the screen, in the darkened room, and silently as I stood behind her, I wept. I wept.

I wept for all that I will never have, never experience the life growing inside me, and never have Sweetness see the miracle I just saw today. My heart literally broke in two. As she got dressed I went to the restroom to get it together for her- after all I am her professor, and we drove back to school. I listened to her tell with excitement her mom and dad that its a boy, and the joy of the grandparents impending grandson. It was all too much.

So after I got back to my office I sat there and silently sobbed for a bit and let it all out. I told the Lord how unfair I think this all is.......... she gets to have a one night stand and doesn't even know who the father is and I don't get to have a baby to raise to love Him??? I just want to know why!!!

Well the amazing part is, I was still quite teary as my evening class was rolling in, and a sweet student named Kim came up to me and handed me a bag and said these are some presents for Chloe we all pitched in and bought you. I was so floored, the tears started again!! :) How sweet they were..... several Hello Kitty onesies and carters play suits and stuff. I guess the Lord sent what I needed right then to ease this agonizing pain.

Just thought I would share my 20-week ultrasound experience.

Our trip to Pennsylvania....

So last weekend we went north, ultimately to pick up birth mom and bring her back with us, but that did not happen. So I am going to do this post on the positive things that did happen on the trip. So we drove up later Friday night, and then early Saturday morning we went to our nephew's wedding in a beautiful park. Here is a nice shot of Sweetness and me before the service. (BTW- these are my first pics taken with our new DSLR camera)

These cuties are the ring bearer and flower girl. The ring bearer is mt nephew- the brother of the groom- named Aiden. and the flower girl, named Alyssa is the daughter of the bride.

This is during the service..... it was such a beautiful setting at this park, and such nice weather!!!

I thought I did such a nice job taking this picture- looks frame worthy to me!!

Here they are cutting their cake!!! As you can see red was the color of the day. I think it was a little too much red, but let me tell you everything matched!!

So after the wedding was over, we headed another 2 hours north to visit with our sweet friends Tara and PJ who recently moved to Pennsylvania from here in Virginia.

They have such a wonderful and inviting home- we felt so welcome. We went to some outlet malls and shopped, the guys at Bass pro shops and the girls at Gymboree, Osh Kosh and Talbots.

Before we went to dinner at Texas Roadhouse we stopped and saw a beautiful covered bridge. There are several of them in Lancaster county and the area is rich with the Amish riding the roads in their horse-drawn carriages. I just loved it up there! So here are some cool pics of this one lane covered bridge....

And last but not least, here are our precious friends, PJ and Tara, who will be spending the entire month of September touring Europe! I'm so jealous!! Have fun kids and be safe!!

So that was our fun weekend and then of course we came back with out birth mom. But she and I texted yesterday and the plan now is we are going to meet her half way on Saturday, Sept. 4th and then I will drive her car back to Virginia and Sweetness will drive our car back to Virginia. This way she will not be driving the whole way alone and very pregnant- and she can still have her car while she is here visiting.
We are trying so hard to do anything we can to help her and get her here, so this adoption will be financially possible. Please keep us in your prayers, I am getting more and more anxious the closer it gets and she is not here in Virginia.

Our new camera!!!

Well, since the meeting of our little girl seems to be getting closer and closer, we were feeling very anxious about capturing these moments in a very nice fashion, after all her birth only happens ONCE right??

So we did a lot of research on DSLR cameras, the newest and greatest cameras. We basically discovered that Nikon and Canon are basically the same. They have all the same features and are very similar cost wise. We consulted the man who did our wedding pics and some other photog friends to ask their advice and/or opinion about which to choose. And we kept hearing Nikon, and then saying you really cant go wrong with a Canon either.

So we waited until there was a sale on one and we went for it. We just bought the Nikon D5100. We are so happy with it. We even bought the DSLR Book for Dummies also to help us figure out all these buttons and filters on this amazing camera.

A picture of it id below and it has a very nice LCD screen on the back with which you can view your pictures you have just taken. It also takes videos, takes Monochrome (B and W) pics, and has just about every bell and whistle on a camera it can have these days.

We bought it last week and took it with us last weekend to Maryland and Pennsylvania for my nephews wedding and I cant wait to do my first blog post using pictures from our new camera.

So now we are ready for Chloe's birth and her life and it will be documented VERY WELL!!!

Sept. 1st it is

Well I can not thank you all enough. It is so humbling how many people are praying for us and have texted us to say they are doing so after my post yesterday, It was a truly hard day.
This banner at the top is truly how my life feels, this blog is the dealings of "The good, the bad and the infertile." lol

So I really had not talked to Birthmom L all day, I was still swirling from the weekend and having my heart ripped out of me. But she texted early evening and I really told her in a gentle way what she was doing to us. She said she was scared of having no friends and being lonely at our house and I told her she wont even give us a chance and she's always telling me she is lonely at home anyway.

She continues to promise that Chloe is ours and she is coming, and I told her she is going to mess around too long and end up giving birth up there, and it will not be possible for us anymore. I told her to make this decision for Chloe and she can go right back to her life after she is born and safely with us. So she said she was sorry and that she would change. Then she said she will be here on Sept.1, 2011, I told her that she must keep that promise or we are going to walk away to save our tormented and broken hearts.

So I guess September 1st it is. Two more weeks and hopefully she will keep her promise although she has never kept a one to me yet, she doesn't even call when we set a time to call. SO I am trying to give it to the Lord but I don't even know if I believe He exists anymore- I am a hot mess for sure.

And on a side note- a service guy came over last night and fixed our fridge. The control panel in the back had shorted out. Thank fully we have a home warranty and we only paid the $60 deductible. Now we just have to go and buy all these groceries again because we threw almost everything away. Ahhhhh nothing like a cold drink!!!