Still employed

Thank you ladies for all the prayers and support this last week as I had one of the most stressful in my life. As of now, I am still employed but I will be "written-up". This really peeves me because I did nothing wrong!!! And when they do give me the form to sign I WILL be writing my side of the story there- I will not be blankly signing a paper admitting guilt when they will not even hear me out.

But needless to say I am actively looking for another job because I can not work for these people. But I need income so I am not quitting. And of course the stress is not healthy for me right now either.

But tomorrow I will begin a new semester at school and a whole new group of students. Hopefully it will be a nice 5 weeks section. And on Tuesday I will go back to my 2 nd acupuncture appointment. I am also doing a special IVF/IUI mediatation series of DVDs. They are great and I highly recommend them for anyone going through IVF. I will blog about them next time with a picture of them and how to order them.

Hope you all have a nice week and will update again soon!!!

Still hangin in.....

To say the last two days of this week have been tough is an understatement. But suffice it to say I am being reprimanded at work for something I did not do, and it is creating a lot of stress. I don't think I will loss my job over this, but I might. I am trying to go back to my faith that has never let me down before- and TRUST that He knows what is happening. He will see me through, and Sweetness and I are together forever and that's all that matters.

I would appreciate your prayers and I will update more when I can. If you are real interested in whats happening, you can private message me and I will tell you..... I just don't want SOME things to be out in the world's cyber space!!! (If you can believe that)

I have taken 2 BCPs, and will begin stimming on Feb, 10th!!! So excited!! Trying to build that hope back up one more time.......

Thanks for your support....... I know you ladies all understand who have gone through multiple IVFs.

Low levels= green light!

Okay ladies, I got my levels taken this morning, and just as I suspected, both my E2 and Progesterone are low, and that means we can begin the IVF cycle. I learned today that if I am not bleeding, then I did NOT ovulate. Maybe this is why we are not getting pregnant on our own, becomes at times I am not ovulating. So I took my first BCP tonight, I will do this for three weeks, however in 7 days I will begin Lup.ron injections. All of this is in an effect to suppress my ovaries from maturing any follicles until we want to mature many at the same time.

I will keep you updated!! Also..... today I went for my very first acupuncture with a highly recommended acupuncturist. This is a link to her website, and those of you following my website and also dealing with infertility may find what her website has to say about acupuncture interesting.

It may even help this chronic neck nerve damage injury that I have been dealing with. That gives me a great deal of hope! It did not hurt and it was very relaxing. I actually felt a sense of heat pulsating from the actual needles. It was really a unique feeling......

I will update more later in the week. I have had a very stressful evening, I will fill you in more later.

Thanks again for all the love!!!!

Happy Anniversary Sweetness!

Well today is my second wedding anniversary!! It was a beautiful day with the love of my life. When I think back over the last two years, we have had so much fun, so much laughter and so much love. But at the same time we have had sooo much heartbreak, enough for a lifetime it feels like.

But I would not change it at all if it meant not having this incredible man. He truly loves me in a way I need to be loved and did not even know. He makes me believe in myself and the impossible. He treats me with such kindness and compassion. I need him in my life to smooth my rough edges. He truly completes me.

We went to dinner tonight. We celebrated our love and our marriage. I asked Sweetness at dinner, in all of our 2 years married, what was his favorite day..... and after a lot of thought, he said it was the day we went to Babies R Us and bought baby stuff and got our nursery together. It really broke my heart. I want this so badly for him, for me, for my mom.......Lord please give us a baby........ please don't leave my husband aching this way, he will make an INCREDIBLE father. I cant wait until next year on our anniversary and hopefully I can ask that same question and he can say the "day our baby was born." That truly is my dream.

I am feeling pretty good these days. I am feeling better about our upcoming cycle. I still have not started, so I will go to the clinic tomorrow morning and get Progesterone/Estrogen levels and figure out when we are going to start Lu.pron if I have ovulated or not. So lets get this started, we want the prize at the end.....

I'll let you know tomorrow when I find out when we start. But for now, good night blogger world from a very happy WIFE!!!!

Hope renewed....maybe?

Wow! Have we sure done a 180 this week. So Monday starts off terrible, BM tells me she has basically changed her mind, and she is confused. I still have not heard anything from her. Not counting on it either really.

And thankfully I already had scheduled an appointment with my RE after my last failed IVF cycle and it was for yesterday, Jan. 11th of all days. But I was actually really glad, because I needed some hope to keep me going. So yesterday, Sweetness and I made the trip again to the RE, and boy am I glad we did. Dr. O was so nice and sweet, and he really felt so sorry for us, being so close only to have it yanked from us again.

So we decided on how to proceed on our last and final attempt at IVF. The plan is as follows: If I have not seen AF by next Tuesday- I will pop in for a quick Progesterone/Estrogen check. If both are low we will go ahead and start BCPs. If progesterone levels are low, it means I ovulated, we will begin that day also. IF my estrogen is still low, then we will do a course of Prover.a and thicken my lining so i hopefully will start. Then.... whenever the day that I start is we begin BCPs for 2 weeks, with Lupr.on overlapping one week with BCPs, then we start stimming for 10 days or thereabout. Then we trigger and have the egg retrieval, then on to a 5-day transfer hopefully. I have never had a blast transfer so I am looking forward to doing something different.

He said I have to really reduce the stress, and be positive- so I will get pregnant! He was so supportive- He said there is no reason why I am not getting pregnant and can not get pregnant. That made me feel better. So that is our plan. Basically I think this will take us to end of February for the transfer.

We have a renewed sense of hope and are cautiously optimistic. Hopefully we will have a girl, because now I have a beautiful girl themed nursery...... I had taken all these pictures of us as we painted the room, and decorated it so beautiful with all the hopes and dreams in front of us, but somehow I cant bring myself to post them here. For now we have all the baby stuff in the nursery and have the door closed. I told Sweetness last night that soon we will be able to open that door and be excited about being in there. I just know we will.

I am still struggling spiritually. I have always been the girl who held on to my faith- but I am really struggling with what I believe- is there a God or not??? and I'm embarrassed to say I really don't know anymore. What good can possibly come out of us in this pain, and despair and longing for a child when everyone else has one and some have no means to care for them etc. I just want to understand. And no one has any answers for me. This has really brought me to my knees and I am hoping to have some peace about all of this soon.

I really thank you for your prayers for our upcoming cycle and for me as I search. You ladies are so wonderful. Thank you for standing by us in such a difficult time. At least I have my Sweetness......

My worst fears came true...

Well it almost does not feel real. Is this really happening to me right now??? Yes it really is. This morning I met with the birth mom before her class and she said her soon to be ex-in laws found out she was pregnant on Facebook. And they are furious with their son for what he is doing to her and the baby. So she talked to her mother in law several times this weekend and she does not want her to place the baby for adoption. And now her mother is saying she will watch the baby and help her so she can go back to school too. So she said she is so confused but she thinks she has changd her mind. Yep my worst fear but one that I always knew could happen but was praying against it. She said she is seeing her psychiatrist tomorrow, someone who is neutral in the situation and help her "pick apart her brain" so she can figure out what she wants. Then she said she did not want us to hate her. I told her hate was not the right emotion, but of course I am going to be devastated and totally heartbroken. So she hugged me and walked away. She said she would let me know I asked her not to leave us wondering. She promised to call.

And then I made the walk down the hall to go teach my class. I felt my heart was crushing under the pain, and I was going to have a panic attack. I was proud of myself and just kept talking and teaching and the hours kept going by. I've called the attorney and the social worker and they are all heartbroken for us.

We really did just spend the whole weekend painting the nursery a pretty pink and got everything we needed for the baby. We were so ready for this. We are so ready to be parents, to love a little someone, and just be done with all this stuff and be happy and just live our life!!!

Thank you to all of you for your support. And by coincidence really we still had an appointment with our RE tomorrow as a follow up visit to out last failed Ivf, so I guess we are going to that and regroup and go for our last 2 attempts. I don't want to do this, my body is tired, and I don't know if it can handle this again but it will be the last time. Please just pray for us, for our heats, for our marriage to stay strong, for our will to line up with His. This really is a stressful day.

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The Ultrasound was not to be

Hi ladies. Just wanted to give you an update. I know many of you have emailed me and texted me privately waiting to see how the US went this morning with the BM. Well............

I texted BM last night to ask if we were still on for this morning? and she replied that they had called her and left a message that they had to cancel as they were overbooked. My heart just sank.
So we texted a few more times, and I told her she really needed to push for this US that is owed her because she is already 26 weeks now. They have cancelled it 3 times now. Granted we are dealing with military hospitals and doctors. whom my friends and family have told me are notorious for canceling appointments. So that has given me some comfort.

I did not sleep at all last night, so sad and disappointed. But I am really trying to not allow Satan to steal my joy. He is trying real hard by getting me worked up about everything, BUT I KNOW the Lord brought this girl and this precious child in my life- HE HAS AN AMAZING PLAN and no matter what I do or say He is going to see this through according to HIS will. God is bigger than all these cancelled appointments etc.

But as far as I know everything is still fine. I am going to try real hard to not contact BM for an entire week, and give her a chance to reach out to me. She is still very young and immature in some ways and I am sure not really even wanting to think about what is going on in her body right now.

Last night Sweetness and I exchanged the bedding we had purchased for her room, with something a bit more "girly"- and I am so glad we did, it is going to be wonderful. Now I am completely happy with it, and all I have left to do is get some paint and paint the light blue walls in her room to a soft baby pink!

I can not believe how much we have gotten for this little princess in just about 3 weeks!!! We bought the crib, and it just showed up at our house by FedEx yesterday and we bought the bedding and a brand new stroller- carseat system. And then I have found some AMAZING deals on high dollar stuff on Craigslist. I have gotten a bassinet, back up car seat, boppy bouncer, white changing table, white dresser, glider ottoman and footstool, swing, pack and play with all the bells and whistles and about 1000 outfits from one lady whose baby is now 15 months old all newborn- 12mos old!!! We are so ready!!! I will post pics of her room when we get it all set up and painted!

Thanks again for all the love that is pouring in- we are OVER THE MOON WITH HAPPINESS!!!!

An Update

Well my friends I must say things could not be better!!! Everything is going so well, I'm waiting for something to happen or to all come crashing down, but it has not yet. Our birth mom is so sweet and level headed for the position she is in. We took her to dinner tonight and we had a wonderful time. She was able to meet my husband and my mom. She said she is very sure that she is not changing her mind. She also said she is very happy that we are buying baby stuff and getting the nursery all together!! I will elaborate more on that later.

I cant hardly wait for this Friday morning, she has invited me to go with her to the ultrasound!!! Yippee!! And she said she would give me a picture to keep!!

We met with the adoption agency for the first time yesterday and started the whole home study process. We had to go to the police precinct today and get fingerprinted. That was an experience!! But now they will do all the background and criminal checks!!! That take bout 6-8 weeks and the by that time we should have had all the formal meetings with the counselor done and also our birth mom to have had all her counseling!!!

I tell you for sure this is probably the first time in my life that I feel witness to a TRUE miracle. There is no way that this has come together like this without the intervention of The Lord, and I am so that I get to be a part of it!!!! Thank you all for praying and please don't stop!!!

To God be the Glory, our miracle is upon us!!!

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