The Ultrasound was not to be

Hi ladies. Just wanted to give you an update. I know many of you have emailed me and texted me privately waiting to see how the US went this morning with the BM. Well............

I texted BM last night to ask if we were still on for this morning? and she replied that they had called her and left a message that they had to cancel as they were overbooked. My heart just sank.
So we texted a few more times, and I told her she really needed to push for this US that is owed her because she is already 26 weeks now. They have cancelled it 3 times now. Granted we are dealing with military hospitals and doctors. whom my friends and family have told me are notorious for canceling appointments. So that has given me some comfort.

I did not sleep at all last night, so sad and disappointed. But I am really trying to not allow Satan to steal my joy. He is trying real hard by getting me worked up about everything, BUT I KNOW the Lord brought this girl and this precious child in my life- HE HAS AN AMAZING PLAN and no matter what I do or say He is going to see this through according to HIS will. God is bigger than all these cancelled appointments etc.

But as far as I know everything is still fine. I am going to try real hard to not contact BM for an entire week, and give her a chance to reach out to me. She is still very young and immature in some ways and I am sure not really even wanting to think about what is going on in her body right now.

Last night Sweetness and I exchanged the bedding we had purchased for her room, with something a bit more "girly"- and I am so glad we did, it is going to be wonderful. Now I am completely happy with it, and all I have left to do is get some paint and paint the light blue walls in her room to a soft baby pink!

I can not believe how much we have gotten for this little princess in just about 3 weeks!!! We bought the crib, and it just showed up at our house by FedEx yesterday and we bought the bedding and a brand new stroller- carseat system. And then I have found some AMAZING deals on high dollar stuff on Craigslist. I have gotten a bassinet, back up car seat, boppy bouncer, white changing table, white dresser, glider ottoman and footstool, swing, pack and play with all the bells and whistles and about 1000 outfits from one lady whose baby is now 15 months old all newborn- 12mos old!!! We are so ready!!! I will post pics of her room when we get it all set up and painted!

Thanks again for all the love that is pouring in- we are OVER THE MOON WITH HAPPINESS!!!!

An Update

Well my friends I must say things could not be better!!! Everything is going so well, I'm waiting for something to happen or to all come crashing down, but it has not yet. Our birth mom is so sweet and level headed for the position she is in. We took her to dinner tonight and we had a wonderful time. She was able to meet my husband and my mom. She said she is very sure that she is not changing her mind. She also said she is very happy that we are buying baby stuff and getting the nursery all together!! I will elaborate more on that later.

I cant hardly wait for this Friday morning, she has invited me to go with her to the ultrasound!!! Yippee!! And she said she would give me a picture to keep!!

We met with the adoption agency for the first time yesterday and started the whole home study process. We had to go to the police precinct today and get fingerprinted. That was an experience!! But now they will do all the background and criminal checks!!! That take bout 6-8 weeks and the by that time we should have had all the formal meetings with the counselor done and also our birth mom to have had all her counseling!!!

I tell you for sure this is probably the first time in my life that I feel witness to a TRUE miracle. There is no way that this has come together like this without the intervention of The Lord, and I am so that I get to be a part of it!!!! Thank you all for praying and please don't stop!!!

To God be the Glory, our miracle is upon us!!!

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Another adoption update

Well I know many of you are wanting an adoption update so here it goes....

Christmas was very nice with family, we got over 15" of snow in Va Beach and that NEVER happens!! We were actually snowed in!!!

Then we left my parents house and made the treacherous drive back to our house. Then we turned right around and headed out the door to meet with our adoption attorney for the first time. She was simply wonderful. She is a grandmother of 7 and her favorite thing to do is adoptions.

We discussed everything that will happen and how much money we owe her etc.... Then the best part- I called the BM and asked her about her Christmas. She said it was wonderful. I then HAD to ask her how she was feeling after having talked to me many days ago? And much to my relief she said she was actually soooo excited and so happy she found us.

So she told us to go ahead and buy stuff and do whatever we want to do, it makes her so happy to know her daughter will have a wonderful life. And she still wants me to go with her next week to the Ultrasound!!! Tuesday night we are taking her to dinner so she can meet my husband and mom. It really all seems to be falling into place!!!

After we left the attorney's office, and then stopped by Bab.ies R' Us to just look at the cost of all things baby. It was soooooo fun!!! We are so excited to actually get to do this!

The only thing I am the most worried about is childcare. I'm not sure what I am going to do at this point. I have asked one cousin who may think about it, and I have thought about working nights and watching her during the day, then hubby watch her at night. Its just so much to think about and instead of 10 months we only have 3 and a half!!!

So to any of my in-town friends, if you have anything baby that you want to get rid of and would let us use it, please contact me or leave a message here. I have so much to get !! But oh the miracle of it all!!!

My christmas miracle indeed

Okay ladies, you have got to sit down to read this post. God is working a huge miracle in our life right now!!!!

So a quick recap, yesterday a coworker came to me and said she HAD to talk to me. She explained that a student here at our school had come to her and told her she was pregnant and had decided to give the baby up for adoption, but had no idea where to go. My friend immediately thought of me. So she wanted to know if she could give her my name and phone number. What? Are you serious? Of course!!!

So fast forward to today. This student wanted to meet me right away (instead of call me)! So today the birth mom and I sat and talked for about 1 and 1/2 hours. She is 23 weeks along with a baby girl. She is 20 yrs old and IS MARRIED, however they are in a very abusive relationship, hes an alcoholic etc, and getting divorced on Feb 1st. She said he wanted her to get an abortion, she refused, so he wants to sign away his rights, he wants nothing to do with this baby. So sad. My heart was breaking for her.

Her parents are also pushing her to do adoption. She has thought about it now for 5 months and she really wants her daughter to have a better life than she can give and for her to have both parents around her entire life. I cried, balled actually. I thanked her a million times, and told her "thank you " doesn't seem to be enough here.

She said she feels so good about this. She really likes me, and she wants to get the process started. So I have called an adoption agency, our first meeting to get the home study started is Jan 3rd. Meanwhile I am getting all the paperwork and documents together. I have also secured an adoption attorney, our first meeting is THIS Monday the 27th!!! Oooooohhhhhh I am getting so giddy!

Yes yes I am very aware she could change her mind or anything could happen and it fall through, but seriously this is the closest thing to a baby we have ever been to and I am going to step out in faith and trust the Lord- that He is bringing this miracle into our lives and we will gladly accept and follow Him!!!

Her full body/growth US SCAN will be Jan 7th and she said I could come too!!! And I promise you the moment it all came together was when I showed her a list on my phone of girl names we have been compiling for over 2 years now..... I asked her if she liked any of them? She said she loved our #1 choice....Chloe. I said well then that's her name!!! She was so happy she could actually have a vote in that process. So baby Chloe is due on April 20th.....that is only 4 short months away!!! oh my gosh I am so excited, shocked, overwhelmed, and amazed at this my true Christmas miracle!!!

Ladies please pray for us, that HIS will be done, and that He would make it all work out JUST like its suppose to. And from a very happy family today- we wish you all a very Merry Christmas!!! I will be back after Christmas and let you know what has happened to bring us closer to our Chloe!

A big mistake..... and a bigger blessing

Yesterday was such a bad day, however it really ended with a huge blessing I could not have seen coming. To make a very long day short, I have been trying to order my meds for this last round of IVF for the past two weeks. It has had to be transferred to 2 different pharmacies, needed prior authorizations, needed quantity changed etc. I mean more red tape than I have ever seen for some hormones!!! Anyway, I was willing to wait for all this to go through my insurance instead of paying the 1000s of dollars for the cash price.

Last time we cycled, this same insurance charged me a copay of $150 for Folli.stim!!! Yes that's right, $150.00!!! I could NOT believe it when she told me the price, and I questioned it over and over. So why did they call yesterday and say I have no coverage for fertility meds? I was so confused and frustrated of being on the phone all day........and they should have told me this 2 weeks ago when all the paper trail began!

Finally someone was able to sift through my record and see what happened, and basically they made a mistake last time when I ordered. A very big one, this drug this time around will be $2880.00. So finally it was determined that none of these drugs were going to be covered.

Then I started to have a panic attack. We don't have the $5000 anymore for these meds, I was sure they were covered again like last time, no change in anything so why wouldn't they? Well I couldn't have been more wrong!!

I called the clinic and said I did not have the money for the meds, could I just forfeit my last two cycles that I have already paid for as part of the shared risk program? She said I could, but they would have to tally up everything I have had done there during these last 2 cycles (at full price) and I would probably end up owing money!!! Are you kidding me?

Then I panicked even more. Of course this was just about the time my whole company was getting together in the same room for a Christmas potluck celebration and here I am crying in my office......ugh this whole thing sucks!

Well finally I got a hold of my mom, I know she can always talk sense to me and help calm me down. Not only did she do that, but she said she would give us the $5000 to pay for the medications to continue our last 2 cycles (fresh and FET)!!! I have said before on this blog that my mother is angel, but she really is!! Who else's mom would do this without a single hesitation, and she has offered to try to be a surrogate for us! I am so blessed to have her.

Then Sweetness and I went out to the mall and picked up some Christmas spirit just walking through the crowds and lights. It was a very nice end to a very frustrating day.

So that was my day. Yes, my insurance make a $3000 mistake........ but I was exceedingly blessed by an amazing gift. Thank you Momma- you really are the best mother in the world!

A Snow Day

Hey ladies! I am still here. We have/are getting right now about 4-5" of snow. This is a big deal for us here at teh beach. this never happens. So since I did not have any classes to teach today- I decided to stay home and have myself a snow day.

I have been catching up on everyone's blogs today and there just seems to be so many BFNs lately. It helps me not feel so alone- but I hate that so many of my friends hearts are hurting this way.

Sweetness and I have moments where we still sit and cry together at the unfairness of it all, yet we still manage to keep pressing on and go to work everyday etc. I am just over it all- I don't want to put my body or my husband through another round of IVF but as I have already stated we have to do it to get 1/2 the money back if we don't succeed. So it looks like I will begin cycling in late Jan 2011. Maybe later because I know after the D and C I had last Friday- it will take my body a full 2 months to have a period. I just know how it works around these parts!

I just don't know how we will make it through another Christmas with no baby- and no hope of every having one. I was telling my Mom the other night as I was crying on the phone- that infertility is so ISOLATING!!! I mean we have pulled back form all our friends because we just cant take the baby talk or the kids running everywhere- just such a painful reminder of what you DON'T have and maybe never will. Some of our friends have been understanding and they ache with us- yet some don't understand and to them I say- I didn't need you as a friend anyway.

I pray for all my friends as we are still going though this struggle- esp the ones who follow this blog who have had BFNs in Dec- so close to Christmas. I pray for us all everyday- and I only have a small thread of hope and faith left but I am clinging to it for all of us- that the Lord who blesses people with children will see fit to look upon our tired weary bodies and bless us too.

Love you girls and have a blessed holiday season ! i will be back soon!

I have a perfect uterus..... but no baby......

Well girls, just a quick update- The surgery went well this morning. My RE came out and said my uterus looks beautiful, and the openings/canals leading down to my fallopian tubes both look great. Well isn't that nice? My uterus is perfect, but yet so imperfect that it has not accepted 11 perfect embryos. Ugh.... I can not even begin to express my frustration.

So where we go from here: I wait a month- and hopefully I start on or about Jan. 10th. I probably wont due to I know how stubborn my body is- but nonetheless, I will call him and he will "make" me start. Then we move on to our last fresh IVF cycle. Its scary to think about it- our last one. The money has run out- so this one will be it. And of course we have one more FET with the embryos we make during this fresh cycle.

If these last 2 attempts do not work we will pursue the surrogacy route- with either my mother or a friend. (Maybe this summer).

I am really at the end of my faith and hope- and I never thought I would be saying this. I have truly trusted the Lord my whole life and can look back and see His hand at work in my life- but this thing- this Infertility --has brought me to my knees, to the end of my faith as I question why a loving God whom I have served so faithfully and whole-heartedly would withhold this incredible blessing from us. The Bible says children are a blessing from the Lord- why is He not blessing us? What good possibly comes from my heart and Sweetness' heart aching in this indescribable way??? There are no answers- the silence is deafening some nights.

But we will continue to fight this evil infertility and see if my body will somehow respond and prove me wrong. I love you guys and appreciate all the support- I am just trying to regroup and move on down the road in this journey. I will update again soon.

Love and ***baby dust*** for all of you still struggling also- we are bound together in this pain.