Happy Anniversary Sweetness!

Well today is my second wedding anniversary!! It was a beautiful day with the love of my life. When I think back over the last two years, we have had so much fun, so much laughter and so much love. But at the same time we have had sooo much heartbreak, enough for a lifetime it feels like.

But I would not change it at all if it meant not having this incredible man. He truly loves me in a way I need to be loved and did not even know. He makes me believe in myself and the impossible. He treats me with such kindness and compassion. I need him in my life to smooth my rough edges. He truly completes me.

We went to dinner tonight. We celebrated our love and our marriage. I asked Sweetness at dinner, in all of our 2 years married, what was his favorite day..... and after a lot of thought, he said it was the day we went to Babies R Us and bought baby stuff and got our nursery together. It really broke my heart. I want this so badly for him, for me, for my mom.......Lord please give us a baby........ please don't leave my husband aching this way, he will make an INCREDIBLE father. I cant wait until next year on our anniversary and hopefully I can ask that same question and he can say the "day our baby was born." That truly is my dream.

I am feeling pretty good these days. I am feeling better about our upcoming cycle. I still have not started, so I will go to the clinic tomorrow morning and get Progesterone/Estrogen levels and figure out when we are going to start Lu.pron if I have ovulated or not. So lets get this started, we want the prize at the end.....

I'll let you know tomorrow when I find out when we start. But for now, good night blogger world from a very happy WIFE!!!!

Hope renewed....maybe?

Wow! Have we sure done a 180 this week. So Monday starts off terrible, BM tells me she has basically changed her mind, and she is confused. I still have not heard anything from her. Not counting on it either really.

And thankfully I already had scheduled an appointment with my RE after my last failed IVF cycle and it was for yesterday, Jan. 11th of all days. But I was actually really glad, because I needed some hope to keep me going. So yesterday, Sweetness and I made the trip again to the RE, and boy am I glad we did. Dr. O was so nice and sweet, and he really felt so sorry for us, being so close only to have it yanked from us again.

So we decided on how to proceed on our last and final attempt at IVF. The plan is as follows: If I have not seen AF by next Tuesday- I will pop in for a quick Progesterone/Estrogen check. If both are low we will go ahead and start BCPs. If progesterone levels are low, it means I ovulated, we will begin that day also. IF my estrogen is still low, then we will do a course of Prover.a and thicken my lining so i hopefully will start. Then.... whenever the day that I start is we begin BCPs for 2 weeks, with Lupr.on overlapping one week with BCPs, then we start stimming for 10 days or thereabout. Then we trigger and have the egg retrieval, then on to a 5-day transfer hopefully. I have never had a blast transfer so I am looking forward to doing something different.

He said I have to really reduce the stress, and be positive- so I will get pregnant! He was so supportive- He said there is no reason why I am not getting pregnant and can not get pregnant. That made me feel better. So that is our plan. Basically I think this will take us to end of February for the transfer.

We have a renewed sense of hope and are cautiously optimistic. Hopefully we will have a girl, because now I have a beautiful girl themed nursery...... I had taken all these pictures of us as we painted the room, and decorated it so beautiful with all the hopes and dreams in front of us, but somehow I cant bring myself to post them here. For now we have all the baby stuff in the nursery and have the door closed. I told Sweetness last night that soon we will be able to open that door and be excited about being in there. I just know we will.

I am still struggling spiritually. I have always been the girl who held on to my faith- but I am really struggling with what I believe- is there a God or not??? and I'm embarrassed to say I really don't know anymore. What good can possibly come out of us in this pain, and despair and longing for a child when everyone else has one and some have no means to care for them etc. I just want to understand. And no one has any answers for me. This has really brought me to my knees and I am hoping to have some peace about all of this soon.

I really thank you for your prayers for our upcoming cycle and for me as I search. You ladies are so wonderful. Thank you for standing by us in such a difficult time. At least I have my Sweetness......

My worst fears came true...

Well it almost does not feel real. Is this really happening to me right now??? Yes it really is. This morning I met with the birth mom before her class and she said her soon to be ex-in laws found out she was pregnant on Facebook. And they are furious with their son for what he is doing to her and the baby. So she talked to her mother in law several times this weekend and she does not want her to place the baby for adoption. And now her mother is saying she will watch the baby and help her so she can go back to school too. So she said she is so confused but she thinks she has changd her mind. Yep my worst fear but one that I always knew could happen but was praying against it. She said she is seeing her psychiatrist tomorrow, someone who is neutral in the situation and help her "pick apart her brain" so she can figure out what she wants. Then she said she did not want us to hate her. I told her hate was not the right emotion, but of course I am going to be devastated and totally heartbroken. So she hugged me and walked away. She said she would let me know I asked her not to leave us wondering. She promised to call.

And then I made the walk down the hall to go teach my class. I felt my heart was crushing under the pain, and I was going to have a panic attack. I was proud of myself and just kept talking and teaching and the hours kept going by. I've called the attorney and the social worker and they are all heartbroken for us.

We really did just spend the whole weekend painting the nursery a pretty pink and got everything we needed for the baby. We were so ready for this. We are so ready to be parents, to love a little someone, and just be done with all this stuff and be happy and just live our life!!!

Thank you to all of you for your support. And by coincidence really we still had an appointment with our RE tomorrow as a follow up visit to out last failed Ivf, so I guess we are going to that and regroup and go for our last 2 attempts. I don't want to do this, my body is tired, and I don't know if it can handle this again but it will be the last time. Please just pray for us, for our heats, for our marriage to stay strong, for our will to line up with His. This really is a stressful day.

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The Ultrasound was not to be

Hi ladies. Just wanted to give you an update. I know many of you have emailed me and texted me privately waiting to see how the US went this morning with the BM. Well............

I texted BM last night to ask if we were still on for this morning? and she replied that they had called her and left a message that they had to cancel as they were overbooked. My heart just sank.
So we texted a few more times, and I told her she really needed to push for this US that is owed her because she is already 26 weeks now. They have cancelled it 3 times now. Granted we are dealing with military hospitals and doctors. whom my friends and family have told me are notorious for canceling appointments. So that has given me some comfort.

I did not sleep at all last night, so sad and disappointed. But I am really trying to not allow Satan to steal my joy. He is trying real hard by getting me worked up about everything, BUT I KNOW the Lord brought this girl and this precious child in my life- HE HAS AN AMAZING PLAN and no matter what I do or say He is going to see this through according to HIS will. God is bigger than all these cancelled appointments etc.

But as far as I know everything is still fine. I am going to try real hard to not contact BM for an entire week, and give her a chance to reach out to me. She is still very young and immature in some ways and I am sure not really even wanting to think about what is going on in her body right now.

Last night Sweetness and I exchanged the bedding we had purchased for her room, with something a bit more "girly"- and I am so glad we did, it is going to be wonderful. Now I am completely happy with it, and all I have left to do is get some paint and paint the light blue walls in her room to a soft baby pink!

I can not believe how much we have gotten for this little princess in just about 3 weeks!!! We bought the crib, and it just showed up at our house by FedEx yesterday and we bought the bedding and a brand new stroller- carseat system. And then I have found some AMAZING deals on high dollar stuff on Craigslist. I have gotten a bassinet, back up car seat, boppy bouncer, white changing table, white dresser, glider ottoman and footstool, swing, pack and play with all the bells and whistles and about 1000 outfits from one lady whose baby is now 15 months old all newborn- 12mos old!!! We are so ready!!! I will post pics of her room when we get it all set up and painted!

Thanks again for all the love that is pouring in- we are OVER THE MOON WITH HAPPINESS!!!!

An Update

Well my friends I must say things could not be better!!! Everything is going so well, I'm waiting for something to happen or to all come crashing down, but it has not yet. Our birth mom is so sweet and level headed for the position she is in. We took her to dinner tonight and we had a wonderful time. She was able to meet my husband and my mom. She said she is very sure that she is not changing her mind. She also said she is very happy that we are buying baby stuff and getting the nursery all together!! I will elaborate more on that later.

I cant hardly wait for this Friday morning, she has invited me to go with her to the ultrasound!!! Yippee!! And she said she would give me a picture to keep!!

We met with the adoption agency for the first time yesterday and started the whole home study process. We had to go to the police precinct today and get fingerprinted. That was an experience!! But now they will do all the background and criminal checks!!! That take bout 6-8 weeks and the by that time we should have had all the formal meetings with the counselor done and also our birth mom to have had all her counseling!!!

I tell you for sure this is probably the first time in my life that I feel witness to a TRUE miracle. There is no way that this has come together like this without the intervention of The Lord, and I am so that I get to be a part of it!!!! Thank you all for praying and please don't stop!!!

To God be the Glory, our miracle is upon us!!!

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Another adoption update

Well I know many of you are wanting an adoption update so here it goes....

Christmas was very nice with family, we got over 15" of snow in Va Beach and that NEVER happens!! We were actually snowed in!!!

Then we left my parents house and made the treacherous drive back to our house. Then we turned right around and headed out the door to meet with our adoption attorney for the first time. She was simply wonderful. She is a grandmother of 7 and her favorite thing to do is adoptions.

We discussed everything that will happen and how much money we owe her etc.... Then the best part- I called the BM and asked her about her Christmas. She said it was wonderful. I then HAD to ask her how she was feeling after having talked to me many days ago? And much to my relief she said she was actually soooo excited and so happy she found us.

So she told us to go ahead and buy stuff and do whatever we want to do, it makes her so happy to know her daughter will have a wonderful life. And she still wants me to go with her next week to the Ultrasound!!! Tuesday night we are taking her to dinner so she can meet my husband and mom. It really all seems to be falling into place!!!

After we left the attorney's office, and then stopped by Bab.ies R' Us to just look at the cost of all things baby. It was soooooo fun!!! We are so excited to actually get to do this!

The only thing I am the most worried about is childcare. I'm not sure what I am going to do at this point. I have asked one cousin who may think about it, and I have thought about working nights and watching her during the day, then hubby watch her at night. Its just so much to think about and instead of 10 months we only have 3 and a half!!!

So to any of my in-town friends, if you have anything baby that you want to get rid of and would let us use it, please contact me or leave a message here. I have so much to get !! But oh the miracle of it all!!!

My christmas miracle indeed

Okay ladies, you have got to sit down to read this post. God is working a huge miracle in our life right now!!!!

So a quick recap, yesterday a coworker came to me and said she HAD to talk to me. She explained that a student here at our school had come to her and told her she was pregnant and had decided to give the baby up for adoption, but had no idea where to go. My friend immediately thought of me. So she wanted to know if she could give her my name and phone number. What? Are you serious? Of course!!!

So fast forward to today. This student wanted to meet me right away (instead of call me)! So today the birth mom and I sat and talked for about 1 and 1/2 hours. She is 23 weeks along with a baby girl. She is 20 yrs old and IS MARRIED, however they are in a very abusive relationship, hes an alcoholic etc, and getting divorced on Feb 1st. She said he wanted her to get an abortion, she refused, so he wants to sign away his rights, he wants nothing to do with this baby. So sad. My heart was breaking for her.

Her parents are also pushing her to do adoption. She has thought about it now for 5 months and she really wants her daughter to have a better life than she can give and for her to have both parents around her entire life. I cried, balled actually. I thanked her a million times, and told her "thank you " doesn't seem to be enough here.

She said she feels so good about this. She really likes me, and she wants to get the process started. So I have called an adoption agency, our first meeting to get the home study started is Jan 3rd. Meanwhile I am getting all the paperwork and documents together. I have also secured an adoption attorney, our first meeting is THIS Monday the 27th!!! Oooooohhhhhh I am getting so giddy!

Yes yes I am very aware she could change her mind or anything could happen and it fall through, but seriously this is the closest thing to a baby we have ever been to and I am going to step out in faith and trust the Lord- that He is bringing this miracle into our lives and we will gladly accept and follow Him!!!

Her full body/growth US SCAN will be Jan 7th and she said I could come too!!! And I promise you the moment it all came together was when I showed her a list on my phone of girl names we have been compiling for over 2 years now..... I asked her if she liked any of them? She said she loved our #1 choice....Chloe. I said well then that's her name!!! She was so happy she could actually have a vote in that process. So baby Chloe is due on April 20th.....that is only 4 short months away!!! oh my gosh I am so excited, shocked, overwhelmed, and amazed at this my true Christmas miracle!!!

Ladies please pray for us, that HIS will be done, and that He would make it all work out JUST like its suppose to. And from a very happy family today- we wish you all a very Merry Christmas!!! I will be back after Christmas and let you know what has happened to bring us closer to our Chloe!