The end of the road.... and my "200th" Post

So who would have thought when I started this blog 2 years ago that here I would be, Post 200- and about to post the most depressing, sad news of my life...... Dr, O just called to officially tell me that my 5th and final attempt at IVF is NEGATIVE. Not a big surprise to me as I have been saying all week.

To say I am not in a good place in an understatement. I feel lower than Ive ever been, and I feel so angry at the God I have trusted all my life and who put this strong desire in my heart for a child, yet denies it to me time and time again. I really should shut the computer now and not go on rambling about the true heart wrenching and impossible place I am in. But alas, I guess in some way it's therapeutic for me.

So we really are at the end of our rope. We have spent every dime we had and more on all this IVF, and we have nothing but loan payments to show for it. How's that for a shot of reality for ya? And we have no money to even begin to think about adoption (for those of you who want to write and tell me to just adopt- it starts out costing about $35000 for a black baby and far more for a white baby). So yeah- not doing that.

Surrogacy was a possibility. I met a nice surrogate- she would only charge $20,000, but again who has that? And that's really it. I mean I guess only the rich and famous get a baby through these methods if you can keep going with money being no object. It is not fair in any way that money is keeping us from having a family.

And now I must begin the long and painful journey to acceptance of a child-free life. How doe one do that exactly- when the ONLY things you have ever wanted was to be a mother???? Some one tell me? In God's time I know.....In God's will..... I know all that too- and somehow I dont believe any of that anymore.

So clearly not in a good place, and the selfishness that surrounds me from some of my so called "friends" is not helping me right now either. But what goes around comes around, and I'll leave it at that.

For those of you that have been praying and reaching out- I thank you and am so sorry I can not post my happy baby news that it was finally my time. Nope instead it is my time to retreat.

Determined to have a good weekend

Well I am still not in the best of moods. I guess I feel I already know what the fate if this cycle is gonna be, yet again. But I am not testing anymore until the beta on Wednesday. It is what it is. But I am also determined to have a nice weekend with my Sweetness.

He really is my most precious gift and I am so thankful for him, even through all of this infertility mess, he has stood with me through it all.

I did speak with a friend of a friend the other night about surrogacy. She delivered twins 2 years ago as a surrogate and has 2 children of her own. But when I say expensive, I mean I don't even know how its even possible. My mom has said she is now going to begin the process with my doctor and find out if she is even a candidate.

I guess I look at his situation differently than my friends and family. Meaning if I had children easily like most of them all have, I would not even hesitate to offer to carry a child for them. I mean I can honestly say that with no reservations, and it just does not seem to be the case in return.

But we may have to ultimately try to learn to give up our dream and live childless, but I promise you I di nor know how to even begin to let go of the most deep desire I have ever had. Will I ever be happy without a child? I don't know and truthfully I don't want to find out....

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i did it...

I POAS this afternoon and nothing. Sweetness says it too early, but "here we go again" is all I can think. Lord Please don't let me have to endure this again. Why??????

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4dp5dt

I'm still here, and hopefully percolating my sweet babies.... Technically tomorrow at 5dp5dt I can do a HPT, but I am going to see how much resolve I have to not test until the beta. Ya'll know me and I don't know if that is even possible, but I am going to try for my sanity.

Last night, I went to my monthly Resolve (an infertility support group) meeting, and I must say it was FAB-U-LOUS!!!!! We had about 15 women and many new members are coming every week. I have had a good support group thus far in my 2 year + journey. But I can not begin to express the difference you feel when you are sitting with people and hearing their hurts and pains and feeling like you are not so ALONE!!!!!

I mean I know Sweetness and I have been through ALOT with all these failed IUIs and 5 IVFs, but some of the pain and situations that were shared were so humbling. These women are still standing, still hoping and are so strong. SO STRONG.

I hope that we all develop a very tight bond in this group and that we all watch as each and every one becomes a mom in the way the Lord intended for each of us.

Thank you Jesus for blessing me with these amazing women, to learn from , to share with and to lean on. You truly send us exactly what we need. I hope I am not about to have another BFN, but if I do, it is comforting to know these ladies are there to grieve with us.

2dp5dt

Well gals, I am a whole 2 days past my 5 day transfer...... man this is gonna be a long 2 weeks........ but I vacillate from being very hopeful to discouraged and what are we going to do next when this doesn't work??



But for now I relax, lay on the bed, watch TV, read books, sleep , eat some and wait for Sweetness to get home. That is about the extent of my day right now. But I am sooooo loving not being in that stress-filled job I have. It is amazing how much better my sense of self has improved not being there everyday! I'm sure when I cant pay bills because I am not working is not going to feel so great- but we will cross that bridge when we get there.



I did give the baby shower Saturday for my girlfriend Amanda, who is due in 4 short weeks. It went really well. I just do not feel like uploading those pics right now- but I will soon.



Oh and the nurse called today- the other 3 embryos we had all arrested and basically stopped growing. So we do not have a FET cycle to pull out of this shared-risk program. I think what we are leaning towards as our last ditch effort is one round of DE if this one does not work. We will get 1/2 the shared risk fee back and can put it towards that without having to come up with any more money. So we will pursue this in earnest if we have to..... I just wish I knew.



I just wish I was pregnant and almost about to meet our miracle, I just wish there was an easy way to do surrogacy, I just wish someone would offer to do it for us and it be easy, not so complicated. I feel like surrogacy is probably our best option because we do have pretty good embryos, it's just my "perfect uterus" is not so perfect- it clearly does not want to do its job!



So we may pursue a friend of a friend who has been a gestational carrier 2 times before and see if we can get a reduced price maybe??? I just want to be a mother, I just want to rock my baby in the middle of the night, I just want push my baby in a cute stroller, I just want to be a family!!! Why is this so heart breaking????



Lord please help me to trust you. Please help me to know what you want for us, help us please..... to be patient while we wait.

Pregnant....until proven otherwise

Okay y'all just a quick update. We just transferred 2 morulas (early blastocysts) into my tummy. I am still laying here on my back for the hour until I can go home.....but we are thrilled and feel so hopeful.

I will post pictures of hem soon nd do a longer update later, but for now I am headed home to be pampered and relax!!!

Thanks again for all the prayers......we desperately need them now.

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Gut wrenching decisions.....

So it's only 11am but it has already been such a gut-wrenching day, full of tough decisions. So here is the low-down. We got 5 eggs from this cycle- all 5 were mature- and all 5 fertilized. That was Tuesday- fast forward to today when I had to go to the clinic for a possible 3-day transfer, and we now have 4 perfect 8-cell embryos!! One died at 2 cells and is no longer viable!

So as we sat down and discussed our options, we felt so torn, this is why...... All along we have been wanting to do a 5-day or blast transfer. We have never done one and after 4 failed IVFs and 11 perfect embryos on day 3 and all BFNs, we felt we had to try something different. SO the agony came in today as to whether to try to take all 4 to blast (Day 5) or do a Day 3 transfer today.

Sweetness was so torn, bless his heart. We want this so badly, and we want all 4 our babies to become perfect living, breathing babies we can bring home. But getting there is the hard part. We asked about just taking 2 to blast and freezing the other 2 on Day 3 (today). They highly advised against that , saying we don't know if the 2 we choose to go to blast will even make it there- and then you have no fresh cycle which is a better chance at getting pregnant.

Ughhhh the debating and praying and analyzing was so hard. But after much prayer and consideration, our best educated and prayed-out decision was to try to take ALL 4 TO BLAST.

Now I know the statistics are only 50% of Day 3 embryos make it to blast stage, but we feel like we will always wonder for the rest of our lives if we did not try this before we quit fertility treatments. Please know that there is a chance that all 4 could not make it and we have nothing to transfer. We rebuke that in Jesus' name- but we have to prepare ourselves for it nonetheless.

So here I am back at home, preparing for the baby shower I am throwing tomorrow, which by the way will be much easier since my transfer was not today. But I am praying a hedge of protection around our 4 precious babies, and asking God to be a BIG God in our lives this weekend, and show those doctors that all 4 can make it to blast stage!!! All four, not 2 but all 4! We are trusting the Lord completely. We want His will to be done in our lives.

We can rest knowing that if He wants us to have these babies, nothing will get in the way; if He doesn't have that for us, then nothing is going to work.

So we are begging all of our prayer warriors, and special friends who are walking in this journey with us- to pray with out ceasing until Sunday morning that all of our precious little ones make it- and LIVE!!! We know that this is not too big for God??!!! He can and will do it! We claim it!

Thanks again for all the love and support, we COULD NOT do this with out you guys!