A Broken Hallelujah

I came accrross this song the other day that has really met where I am.

I feel I am at a very real crossroads in my life. We still have no word on test results as of yet- but several things have happeed recently that I just feel like I am so broken, and so bruised...... all I can really offer Him is a broken hallelujah. But maybe that is enough.........

I would die for that......

Many of you may have seen this video before- but as we are remembering the horrible struggle of infertility during National Infertility Awareness week- I thought I would share it again for those who may have not seen it when I posted it about a year ago.

This is so dear to my heart, simply because I would at this point in my life die for the feeling of just holding MY VERY OWN baby in my arms. I have real fears that this may never happen to Sweetness and me and it breaks my heart. I cant wait to smell the "baby smell" and to hear "I love you Mom". I just want to know what it is like to bring my dream to life...... Enjoy.

Tough Decisions Ahead

So sorry I have not posted sooner- I have been a bit scatter brained as of late and supper busy.

Where to begin??? Well remember last post I said I had 5 friends finding out if they got their BFP through IVF cycles last week. Well 3 of the 5 are pregnant. I think that is about right statistically. I am genuinely happy for them- but it still reminds me of what I will never feel.

Moving along...... so we finally got the call from the clinic and as of right now, they have no embryos for us to adopt other than the 4 we have already (that can not be used with our surrogate). So that put us all the way back to square one. So our options from here are as follows:

1- find a new surrogate through the other fertility clinic in my area, with the help of money my amazing mom is borrowing for us. Then using the 4 adopted embryos we have now in her.

2- taking the 4 embryos we adopted and put them in me. (not a good choice I don't think-I just don't feel as if it would give them a honest shot at survival, I have absolutely no confidence or hope that I will ever conceive at this point)

3- go through IVF again and get my own eggs and Sweetness' sperm and use our own embryos in our current surrogate. But of course there is this Kell blood situation. So hubby and I have already had our blood drawn this week to see if our biological embryos would be compatible with our current surrogate. Both of us would have to be Kell negative. But this option does not solve our issues with what to do with our 4 adopted embryos.


So you can see we have a lot on our plate and so many key decisions to make. So I am trying not to stress or worry, and just try to let the Lord open and close doors where He wants- and that we would know for sure what His Will is- and we will go that path.

Thank you all for praying so diligently for us. I have felt so isolated lately- just hanging with my infertility group friends and they are wonderful- but there are not long standing relationships where people can just be together without talking (ya know those close friendships??) but I am hoping that several of these ladies will turn into forever friends.

I am ashamed to say I did not go to church on Easter- just could not handle all the pretty babies and kids in their Easter clothes and running all around- with pretty picture like families that we want so badly--just more agony on my heart. I hope the Lord will understand and He knows my heart well.

I will update again soon as soon as we know which option we will choose.

God Bless you all............

Still pondering our choices.....

Hey ladies!!! Just wanted to let you know I am still here. We are pondering several choices at the moment. But before I share all of those with you, we are waiting on our doctor to call as he promised he would by end of the week. After he calls, we will have a better idea of how we are going to proceed.

And I must give a big shout out to my girl Tina- who found out today her first beta was 550!!! 550 people!!! We are thinking definitely twins!!!! So happy for her- she is the sweetest, most amazing woman and she will be a beautiful pregnant mommy to inspire us all!!! Love you girl!!!

And as I told you in my last post I have 5 friends finding out the results from their IVF this week. Tina is one- BFP- another friend sadly got a BFN from her second IVF, and my other friend who on Monday got a first beta of 18, sadly it went down to 8 - and she has miscarried. My heart aches for her, so please stop by her blog and give her a virtual hug, because we all know this pain too well. Love you Tammy!!! And there are still 2 more to come in tomorrow!!!!

But I do find myself genuinely happy for them, and sad for the others at the same time. Infertility SUCKS and I would not wish it on my worst enemy. It is just awful. But if we stick together we can support each other emotionally. I will be back to blog tomorrow when I know something!!!

The worst possible news....

Well as the title of thispost you can tell today was not what I had planned. The Kell tests came back, and the biological mother of the embryos is Kell + and the father is Kell negative. So all that means is that we can NOT put our 4 donated embryos into our surrogate. UGH UGH UGH UGH. Remember she makes antibodies aganist the Kell protein, so she would unknowingly attack the embryos.

So now what?????? I have no idea! I am so upset, deflated and miserable right now. Why is God allowing us to suffer so much? Some people get pregnant after 1 or 2 rounds of IVF- and we are willing to go through all of this- and to still have it stripped away WHY????

I feel like a kid in line watching everyone else get their candy or their perfect Christmas gift, and there I am when they say "I'm sorry I didnt bring enough, we are one short" and there I am with empty aching arms. Where's mine????

I don't really have any thing more to say, I am still in shock really.

Please pray for me. I really need it today.

Tomorrow is the BIG day!!!

Well, we are still full steam ahead and we are getting sooooo excited!!!!! Tomorrow is the day we FINALLY go to the doctor, me and my surrogate, to get this party started! She is ready and we are SOOOOO ready!

The appt is at 130pm, and before that I am meeting with the clinic director to make sure all the paperwork is done and in hand so they ship these embryos already!!!! I will have lots of updates tomorrow afternoon. Please pray this all works out according to His plan and His ways!!!

Also I have not heard from any of my friends yet, but 5 of them find out this week whether they are pregnant after IVF or not! I cant wait to report the amazing news!!! Thanks again for you guys!

???? Ask me anything ????

Hello ladies!!! Things are moving along very nicely....... mounds of paperwork and legalities, but in the end I feel like it really is going to happen!!! When there are more bigger milestones happening, I will let you know.

The next thing is this Tuesday is when my surrogate and myself meet for the first time with my doctor. This will be the beginning step to prepare her uterus and to make sure we are all on the same page!

So I wanted to give all my blogger girl friends that have supported us and prayed for us so much the opportunity to ask me anything you might have a question about!

I will answer every question. Include your email address so I can respond privately if you would like :) Can't wait to hear the questions you have always wanted to ask!!!!