National Infertility Awareness Week

So today begins National Infertility Awareness Week!!!! I am so glad that they actually have this designated to help people on the roller coaster we find ourselves on!!

I sure never thought or planned or hoped to be on this road of Infertility. But I cant say it is all bad. Sweetness and I have grown closer than ever, and my faith has sure grown! I hope we have a happy ending, but even if we don't, I will look back at the journey with fond memories.

So be aware of your friends dealing with infertility. Be compassionate, be kind, be considerate of what they are going through. We are usually pretty fragile souls at this point in the journey, and can use every prayer offered up on our behalf.

Thank you Lord for this journey, and thank you for the gift!

The Plan

It looks we finally have a plan......Yeah!!!!

After talking with the nurses at the clinic today we have tentatively decided on a plan and timeline for our IVF journey.

There are several things that need to happen before we begin.....
1- I was just put on Synthroid- and they want to wait at least 4 weeks to see if my levels get back to normal.
2- I need to have a colonoscopy due to some birth defects in my intestines that have been giving me some trouble. So we want to get that done before we get pregnant (because we WILL this time)
3- I need to have a hydrosonogram. I have already had one of these, but they want to make absolutely sure that there is nothing wrong with the uterine cavity as to why we are not getting pregnant. And for that I am thankful.
4-- I am going to try to loose some weight. The doctor's do not think it has anything to do with not getting pregnant, but it cant hurt and I could definitely stand to loose a few. HA HA

So with all of that said, we are shooting for the end of June to begin the IVF cycling, and looking to have embryos transferred in July. We have 8 months from when we begin to do the four cycles once we start.

So that is where we are at this point. I am pretty excited about it actually!!! Something to look forward to, and by Christmas, I hope to be pregnant!!!

Thanks again for all the prayers......we can feel them!!!

My motivational verse!!!!

This verse has always spoke to me, and even more so now that my fig tree is not "blossoming"!! LOL

But just in case anyone else needs a bit of truth from the Lord today.......

-Though the fig tree should not blossom, nor fruit be on the vines, the olive begins to fail and the fields yield no food, the flock be cut off from the fold and there be no herd in the stalls, YET I will rejoice in the LORD; I will take joy in the God of my salvation. GOD, the Lord, is my strength; he makes my feet like the deer’s; he makes me tread on my high places.
-Habakkuk 3:17-19

Another BFN

Well the result of this month's IUI was a BFN, as I already predicted a week ago. I guess you just get to know your body though all of this junk, and well, I just knew. But on the bright side, I was pretty much expecting this, so I am not really upset.

So where do we go from here? Good question! I spoke to the nurse at the clinic today, and she told me the doctor is out of town until Thursday, when she will ask him what our next step should be. She said it would probably be to come in for an appointment with him to discuss how we will stimulate my ovaries differently, and with different drugs this time then last, and what time frame we are looking at to get started. She did say it may be a month before we get started because I was just put on Syn.throid last week due to hypothyroidism. He may want me to be taking the medication for a month to get my TSH levels closer to 1.0! That is more than fine with me, because I do not want to do this if everything is not just RIGHT!!

On a side note, work is totally stressing me out. I will be teaching the lowest level students starting in May for the next 5 weeks. I really hate those classes and my boss just keeps putting me with them, instead of keeping me with the RN students where I do best. Ughhhhhh, I was just so aggravated when I found out today. But I digress, I am trying to be thankful that I have a job is this perilous economy; I will survive I guess.......

I will update again as soon as we know when/where we will begin our exciting adventure in the Shared Risk program!!!!

An update!!!

First let me start by saying thank you, thank you to all of my friends who commented last time and have called and texted. I was in a very bad place that day, I felt well.....lost. I have had some more time to think and I do feel bad sometimes about getting so discouraged, but I don't believe God gets upset with us when we question, He just wants us to remain faithful!!!

I have had to "unfriend" a few freinds, and cut back on some communication with some friends that are pregnant because it is just too painful right now. I hope you guys understand, I can still be happy for you without having to hear all the details everyday. I am usually in an okay place and then see the status updates etc about progress in the pregnancies and it just reminds me of what I don't have or may never have, and it cuts like a knife.

I am sure it will not always be this way, but for now I just have to preserve my sanity as we struggle.

With all of that said, Sweetness and I have finagled a few things, and spent a couple hours at the bank today, and we MAY have gotten enough money together to do the program. I am just so nervous about all this money, and don't want to get us in over our head, so we are thinking and praying on it, we have not signed anything yet.

Then as we are leaving the bank, some dude backed right in to our brand new car, and crushed the drivers side door!!! I was about to have a stroke!!!! Ughhhhhhh. So we have called the insurance companies and filed all the claims etc, and now we wait for the adjuster to come out and look at the car and see what they want to do. Just so upsetting in my new car, and of course he got out of his huge SUV, and said "Well my story is you backed into me!" Whatever!!! The pictures clearly show what happened. Just one more thing to deal with!

Again thanks to you all, and it really does feel good to know that I have so many friends that love me and are truly praying for me!!! Will let you know where we go from here!

Lost

I feel so lost right now, I don't know where to turn. I am sure we did not get pregnant with this IUI, and my mind and body are so way past that upcoming BFN, that I am lost.

Today I met with a loan officer from Wachovia, and it seems our dream has surely died. We do not have collateral in our home, so a loan for $20 000 would be like 12% interest with only 24 mos to pay it back, at a monthly payment of over $1000!!! I left there in tears, and have had to come to the real possibility that we will never be parents. I am currently sitting outside in the sunshine, crying, and asking God why? I mean WHY???? When the only thing I have ever really wanted in life was to have a baby. If one more friend calls and says they are expecting I just might go mad. I am so depressed now, I feel lost.

Why does God not want me to be a parent? Why does he allow all these women to get pregnant and then they go abort the baby? Why can all my friends get pregnant with out even any effort? Why Why Why? I am tired of begging and pleading with God to let us have a child. We are going to bankrupt in the process.

I know I have heard all the cliche and churchy answers about waiting for God's timing and He has a reason for all this. I just cant hear it anymore. I feel so lost, so down. Maybe I will never hold my own child, will I ever be fulfilled?

EXCITING NEWS!!!

Hey ya'll!! Well I finally have some GREAT news to share with you guys. No it's not a BFP, but something to definitely get us to the day when we can say we are pregnant!!!!

So I don't know if you guys remember a while back I talked about a "Shared Risk" program that we were hoping to be a part of, the link is here. With this program you can cycle for 2 rounds of IVF (2 fresh and 2 frozen cycles) all for one lump sum. It includes almost everything except the ICSI and injectible medications that I will have to buy. It is much more financially sound than how we did it in the past. At our previous clinic, they do not have a shared risk program and we paid about $20,000 to do ONE fresh and one frozen cycle of IVF. With this program, we can do 4 cycles as mentioned above for $25,000. I know it is a TON of money, but nothing seems to great right now to be able to start our family.

Well to be in this shared risk program, you have to meet a whole checklist of criteria, some of which I was afraid I would not make it. Two doctors in the practice have to approve you to be in the program. And over the age of 35 they do not really allow you to participate, and I have 9 months until I am 35, so my clock is definitely ticking!

Well today, at 2 pm I received a call from the Jones' Institute stating that we have FINALLY been approved into the program!!!!!!!!!!!!! I was so excited, I felt like jumping out of my skin! So we are still in our 2WW right now to see if we conceived from the IUI on Tuesday, but if we did not, we now feel like we have a plan to get us to home base!!!

One more awesome thing about this program is that if you do not achieve a pregnancy in these 4 tries, AND carry a baby to 28 weeks gestation(viable baby) then they will either refund you 1/2 of the total cost, or you can have one more fresh and frozen IVF cycle! So either way after this we should be in better shape than we are now (with no baby and out ALL THAT MONEY).

We are so excite and hopeful. My boss said today that I have his support to go ahead with this. So now we have to work on getting our funding together, and wait for April 22, to see if the IUI worked. I feel so much HOPE right now!

Thank you for all the continued prayers as we prepare to embark on a very long journey, many many months again of painstaking medical procedures and injections...... but I live for the day when I FINALLY can hold MY sweet baby(ies) in my arms, and then all of this would be a small sacrifice! I will keep you updated!

I've been sperminated !!

So yesterday we had our first IUI. It was pretty uneventful, after they did it, I layed there for 15 minutes and then we went home. So I start the Prometrium tomorrow, my least favorite part of all of this.....

They said I could test on April 22, and know if it worked. So I am sure this 2WW will be so exciting!!! If it does not work, we will move forward with IVF again.

Other than that news, not much is happening on our end. I am having problems with this woman at work who is truly mentally unstable, and she is so dramatic, full out tears and all if she does not get her way....... and I am really quite over it! The joys of the workplace. So that keeps me pretty occupied during the day and I am also training a new instructor to teach Microbiology, so I am real busy. Maybe this will be a nice distraction while we wait.

Thank you all for the text messages yesterday, and certainly for the prayers. We felt them all!!!

Love to you all......

The Ultrasound

Well today was our US after being on Clo.mid for 5 days. And I tell you, my ovaries just are not responding right to me. I only had ONE mature follicle, I wanted at least 2, and it was only at 14mm!!! So anyways, the doctor (a fellow) did not seem all that concerned about it.

So the plan is that I give myself the HcG injection, to trigger ovulation, on Monday morning, and then Tuesday we will have our IUI, and pray it works. I honestly do not feel great about it at all. I don't know why, maybe because I have never heard of anyone getting pregnant using Clo.mid, they always end up needed something else, like IVF.

But I will try to remain somewhat hopeful, and will let you know where we stand next week.

In other news, I am looking very forward to revamping my flowerbeds tomorrow with my Mom, and then celebrating a glorious Easter weekend.

HE'S ALIVE, HE'S ALIVE, HE'S ALIVE AND I'M FORGIVEN, HEAVEN'S GATES ARE OPEN WIDE! HE'S ALIVE!!!

Thanks for the prayers.....