a very bad day.....

So after I posted this morning with the news that the docotor who did my US this morning said we should start stimmimg tonight, I waited all day for them to call and give the go ahead. Well that call was anything but a go-ahead!

The nurse that called said Dr O wants to see me on Monday again for blood work and US, but he will make the definitive decision then. Most likely they will cancel this cycle, give me Prov.era to bleed and then we start with the BCPs all over again! I was sobbing on the phone, and said I can not believe this. They are saying now that my lining is too thick and that my progesterone rose 0.5 from yesterday, although my estro.gen has stayed very low where it should be.

Remember I went to the doctor last month when my period was ridiculously light, as I was WORRIED ABOUT THIS EXACT THING HAPPENING!!!! I was told, oh don't worry, everything looks great. And I stopped the BCPs over a week ago now and STILL have not had a period. I am just devastated.

I came home from work, threw my phone against the wall, and cried out to God. Why is He picking on me? Why do we have to pay $50 000 to have a baby and NOTHING goes right. One setback after another! Why? What did I do to deserve this lot in life? What? When all I have EVER wanted was to be a mom. I really let Him have it. But I think that is the beauty of a true relationship with Him, that He wants you to be honest and tell Him how you really feel- because seriously He already knows!

Then Sweetness rushed home as I was sobbing on the phone with him, and we snuggled and went to sleep for about 2 hours to get away from the whole situation. He assures me that our time will come, but I have tried so hard to be patient, why is my body not cooperating???????

So here we are. I will stay on Lup.ron this weekend and go back again Monday morning, but I already know the outcome. What choice does he have, how else to get my lining to thin out without making me bleed???? Sometimes knowing tooo much medicine as I do, takes some of the mystique out of life.

Thank you all for the sweet comments on Face.book today and praying for us so faithfully. I am so humbled by the outpouring of love and prayers on our behalf.


On another note, I was supposed to attend my friend's baby shower tomorrow, but I had to text her and tell her I just cant. I really hope she understands. I don't want to distract or take anything away from her miracle, and right now I am so emotional from all these hormones, I don't want to embarrass myself.

So Sweetness and I are going to go shopping at an outlet mall tomorrow and try to distract ourselves and pray that God pulls out a miracle on Monday. I don't want to proceed when this is not right, but why do I have to continue running into all these complications????

Jesus, please heal my broken heart.......