Another adoption update

Well I know many of you are wanting an adoption update so here it goes....

Christmas was very nice with family, we got over 15" of snow in Va Beach and that NEVER happens!! We were actually snowed in!!!

Then we left my parents house and made the treacherous drive back to our house. Then we turned right around and headed out the door to meet with our adoption attorney for the first time. She was simply wonderful. She is a grandmother of 7 and her favorite thing to do is adoptions.

We discussed everything that will happen and how much money we owe her etc.... Then the best part- I called the BM and asked her about her Christmas. She said it was wonderful. I then HAD to ask her how she was feeling after having talked to me many days ago? And much to my relief she said she was actually soooo excited and so happy she found us.

So she told us to go ahead and buy stuff and do whatever we want to do, it makes her so happy to know her daughter will have a wonderful life. And she still wants me to go with her next week to the Ultrasound!!! Tuesday night we are taking her to dinner so she can meet my husband and mom. It really all seems to be falling into place!!!

After we left the attorney's office, and then stopped by Bab.ies R' Us to just look at the cost of all things baby. It was soooooo fun!!! We are so excited to actually get to do this!

The only thing I am the most worried about is childcare. I'm not sure what I am going to do at this point. I have asked one cousin who may think about it, and I have thought about working nights and watching her during the day, then hubby watch her at night. Its just so much to think about and instead of 10 months we only have 3 and a half!!!

So to any of my in-town friends, if you have anything baby that you want to get rid of and would let us use it, please contact me or leave a message here. I have so much to get !! But oh the miracle of it all!!!

My christmas miracle indeed

Okay ladies, you have got to sit down to read this post. God is working a huge miracle in our life right now!!!!

So a quick recap, yesterday a coworker came to me and said she HAD to talk to me. She explained that a student here at our school had come to her and told her she was pregnant and had decided to give the baby up for adoption, but had no idea where to go. My friend immediately thought of me. So she wanted to know if she could give her my name and phone number. What? Are you serious? Of course!!!

So fast forward to today. This student wanted to meet me right away (instead of call me)! So today the birth mom and I sat and talked for about 1 and 1/2 hours. She is 23 weeks along with a baby girl. She is 20 yrs old and IS MARRIED, however they are in a very abusive relationship, hes an alcoholic etc, and getting divorced on Feb 1st. She said he wanted her to get an abortion, she refused, so he wants to sign away his rights, he wants nothing to do with this baby. So sad. My heart was breaking for her.

Her parents are also pushing her to do adoption. She has thought about it now for 5 months and she really wants her daughter to have a better life than she can give and for her to have both parents around her entire life. I cried, balled actually. I thanked her a million times, and told her "thank you " doesn't seem to be enough here.

She said she feels so good about this. She really likes me, and she wants to get the process started. So I have called an adoption agency, our first meeting to get the home study started is Jan 3rd. Meanwhile I am getting all the paperwork and documents together. I have also secured an adoption attorney, our first meeting is THIS Monday the 27th!!! Oooooohhhhhh I am getting so giddy!

Yes yes I am very aware she could change her mind or anything could happen and it fall through, but seriously this is the closest thing to a baby we have ever been to and I am going to step out in faith and trust the Lord- that He is bringing this miracle into our lives and we will gladly accept and follow Him!!!

Her full body/growth US SCAN will be Jan 7th and she said I could come too!!! And I promise you the moment it all came together was when I showed her a list on my phone of girl names we have been compiling for over 2 years now..... I asked her if she liked any of them? She said she loved our #1 choice....Chloe. I said well then that's her name!!! She was so happy she could actually have a vote in that process. So baby Chloe is due on April 20th.....that is only 4 short months away!!! oh my gosh I am so excited, shocked, overwhelmed, and amazed at this my true Christmas miracle!!!

Ladies please pray for us, that HIS will be done, and that He would make it all work out JUST like its suppose to. And from a very happy family today- we wish you all a very Merry Christmas!!! I will be back after Christmas and let you know what has happened to bring us closer to our Chloe!

A big mistake..... and a bigger blessing

Yesterday was such a bad day, however it really ended with a huge blessing I could not have seen coming. To make a very long day short, I have been trying to order my meds for this last round of IVF for the past two weeks. It has had to be transferred to 2 different pharmacies, needed prior authorizations, needed quantity changed etc. I mean more red tape than I have ever seen for some hormones!!! Anyway, I was willing to wait for all this to go through my insurance instead of paying the 1000s of dollars for the cash price.

Last time we cycled, this same insurance charged me a copay of $150 for Folli.stim!!! Yes that's right, $150.00!!! I could NOT believe it when she told me the price, and I questioned it over and over. So why did they call yesterday and say I have no coverage for fertility meds? I was so confused and frustrated of being on the phone all day........and they should have told me this 2 weeks ago when all the paper trail began!

Finally someone was able to sift through my record and see what happened, and basically they made a mistake last time when I ordered. A very big one, this drug this time around will be $2880.00. So finally it was determined that none of these drugs were going to be covered.

Then I started to have a panic attack. We don't have the $5000 anymore for these meds, I was sure they were covered again like last time, no change in anything so why wouldn't they? Well I couldn't have been more wrong!!

I called the clinic and said I did not have the money for the meds, could I just forfeit my last two cycles that I have already paid for as part of the shared risk program? She said I could, but they would have to tally up everything I have had done there during these last 2 cycles (at full price) and I would probably end up owing money!!! Are you kidding me?

Then I panicked even more. Of course this was just about the time my whole company was getting together in the same room for a Christmas potluck celebration and here I am crying in my office......ugh this whole thing sucks!

Well finally I got a hold of my mom, I know she can always talk sense to me and help calm me down. Not only did she do that, but she said she would give us the $5000 to pay for the medications to continue our last 2 cycles (fresh and FET)!!! I have said before on this blog that my mother is angel, but she really is!! Who else's mom would do this without a single hesitation, and she has offered to try to be a surrogate for us! I am so blessed to have her.

Then Sweetness and I went out to the mall and picked up some Christmas spirit just walking through the crowds and lights. It was a very nice end to a very frustrating day.

So that was my day. Yes, my insurance make a $3000 mistake........ but I was exceedingly blessed by an amazing gift. Thank you Momma- you really are the best mother in the world!

A Snow Day

Hey ladies! I am still here. We have/are getting right now about 4-5" of snow. This is a big deal for us here at teh beach. this never happens. So since I did not have any classes to teach today- I decided to stay home and have myself a snow day.

I have been catching up on everyone's blogs today and there just seems to be so many BFNs lately. It helps me not feel so alone- but I hate that so many of my friends hearts are hurting this way.

Sweetness and I have moments where we still sit and cry together at the unfairness of it all, yet we still manage to keep pressing on and go to work everyday etc. I am just over it all- I don't want to put my body or my husband through another round of IVF but as I have already stated we have to do it to get 1/2 the money back if we don't succeed. So it looks like I will begin cycling in late Jan 2011. Maybe later because I know after the D and C I had last Friday- it will take my body a full 2 months to have a period. I just know how it works around these parts!

I just don't know how we will make it through another Christmas with no baby- and no hope of every having one. I was telling my Mom the other night as I was crying on the phone- that infertility is so ISOLATING!!! I mean we have pulled back form all our friends because we just cant take the baby talk or the kids running everywhere- just such a painful reminder of what you DON'T have and maybe never will. Some of our friends have been understanding and they ache with us- yet some don't understand and to them I say- I didn't need you as a friend anyway.

I pray for all my friends as we are still going though this struggle- esp the ones who follow this blog who have had BFNs in Dec- so close to Christmas. I pray for us all everyday- and I only have a small thread of hope and faith left but I am clinging to it for all of us- that the Lord who blesses people with children will see fit to look upon our tired weary bodies and bless us too.

Love you girls and have a blessed holiday season ! i will be back soon!

I have a perfect uterus..... but no baby......

Well girls, just a quick update- The surgery went well this morning. My RE came out and said my uterus looks beautiful, and the openings/canals leading down to my fallopian tubes both look great. Well isn't that nice? My uterus is perfect, but yet so imperfect that it has not accepted 11 perfect embryos. Ugh.... I can not even begin to express my frustration.

So where we go from here: I wait a month- and hopefully I start on or about Jan. 10th. I probably wont due to I know how stubborn my body is- but nonetheless, I will call him and he will "make" me start. Then we move on to our last fresh IVF cycle. Its scary to think about it- our last one. The money has run out- so this one will be it. And of course we have one more FET with the embryos we make during this fresh cycle.

If these last 2 attempts do not work we will pursue the surrogacy route- with either my mother or a friend. (Maybe this summer).

I am really at the end of my faith and hope- and I never thought I would be saying this. I have truly trusted the Lord my whole life and can look back and see His hand at work in my life- but this thing- this Infertility --has brought me to my knees, to the end of my faith as I question why a loving God whom I have served so faithfully and whole-heartedly would withhold this incredible blessing from us. The Bible says children are a blessing from the Lord- why is He not blessing us? What good possibly comes from my heart and Sweetness' heart aching in this indescribable way??? There are no answers- the silence is deafening some nights.

But we will continue to fight this evil infertility and see if my body will somehow respond and prove me wrong. I love you guys and appreciate all the support- I am just trying to regroup and move on down the road in this journey. I will update again soon.

Love and ***baby dust*** for all of you still struggling also- we are bound together in this pain.

There is a gray film over life

Well we are still here. Some days are better than others. Sweetness and I went to the mall last night and of course had to see a BRAND NEW BABY all dressed up for Santa and fixing to be put on his lap, and of course I just start crying. I looked at Sweetness and said "When will it be our time?" He just put his arm around me and we kept walking......

Nothing about this is fun or fair. I have had some real neat prayer time with friends over the past couple of days and it really means alot. I cant thank you enough to my sweet friends who have taken time out of their lives and cared enough to sit and pray with us and cry with us. I know this will get easier but man it hurts bad.

So today I went for my pre-op visit with my RE. We went over what he is going to do in my surgery Friday, nothing I have not already mentioned here before, and then we will wait a month for me to cycle. So that takes us to Jan. 10th when we will reassess and make me have a cycle if I do not do so on my own. Then we will begin our last fresh IVF cycle under our shared-risk program. Dr. O said he would entertain the surrogate idea with my mom after I have gone through these last 2 attempts and been unsuccessful. I agreed.

I am so not looking forward to any of this anymore- I am burned out and my body is totally spent. I used to be so filled with anticipation- but no more. My RE saw that I am not hopeful at all and he tried to encourage me and said he has plenty of women in my situation and on IVF #5 they got pregnant. I just think I have gone into self-preservation mode and it hurts too bad to have hope anymore. I'm hoping my close friends and the Lord are holding onto the hope FOR me if that makes sense.

I'm sorry I am such a downer right now, I know I will bounce back to my old self, I just need to vent all this stuff out.

Even though this weekend was not so good emotionally, Sweetness and I went and saw some cool Christmas decorations and spent some great time together- so it was not all bad. I DO have the best husband ever- and he makes it all worth while.

Thanks again for my friends that are standing beside us as we walk in this valley, the mountaintop is not far now. Love you guys.

IVF #4- Negative

Well friends, just as I already knew, my beta today was negative. I have sobbed and cried until there are no tears left. I truly don't understand why, maybe I never will, but I do know one thing through all of this. I have an incredible community of friends here on blog.ger and my faceb.ook account. I can not even begin to count how many of you have sent private messages to me and left comments expressing your deep sadness for where we are now. It really means a lot- and I cant thank you enough. I am still reading through all 30 of them- sometimes re-reading them just because they make me feel better!!! :)

So this is the plan...... I am scheduled for a hysteroscopy surgery next Friday, Dec 10th, at 8:30 am. Dr. O will be looking at my uterus, looking for any fibroids, scar tissue, endo, anything he can find that may explain the four failed IVFs. He will also take an endometrial biopsy to see if I have any type of inflammatory situations.

This is not very invasive, so I will have the weekend to recuperate before returning back to work on Monday.

Another interesting thing , is that last night my Mom came over and talked with us for awhile. And if you have not already heard me say this- I really have an angel for a mother- she is such a wonderful person and my best friend. Well get this- she offered to be a surrogate for us!!!!!! I thought it was such a wonderful offer. Because if we could go the surrogate route I feel certain we would have our baby- because we make PERFECT embryos!!!! The issue is clearly with ME- not the embryos.

My mom is a bit overweight- she would need to loose 50 lbs- but other than that she could do this. So she is going to start trying to get ready for this- and meanwhile we have 2 additional attempts we have already paid for that I must proceed with. I mentioned this to Dr. O this morning and he did not want me to even think about this until we finish our last 2 attempts. But they do this often- meaning women that are post-menopausal are able to be returned to a cycling state able to carry a child easily again.

And this may sound desperate0 but hey lets face it-we are desperate. If anyone in my family or friends circle would be willing to be a surrogate for us, we would LOVE to talk with you. If you are still in childbearing age and have had easy pregnancies and would be willing to do this for us- because you want to help us build our family- please let me know. There are several of my friends/family that I feel like could easily be great candidates for us, but it's difficult for us to just out and out ask someone to do this- we dont want to put anyone on the spot. Please prayerfully consider this if you feel the Lord tugging on your heart- and we would honestly never be able to repay your amazing kindness. But I believe something incredibly beautiful can come out of all of this!

Thank you again for your friendship and love and most of all- all the prayers. I know God hears even when our faith has disappeared. We will be parents someday, we just don't know when or how yet.

I'm off to curl up with the most amazing husband ever- with out him, I would truly be lost in this world. Thank you Lord for my Sweetness.

I feel like I am loosing my faith

I am so sad...... I am sitting here at work with tears streaming down my face, and I just wonder why???? WHY????? Why can I not have the joy of a pregnancy, planning for a baby, birth and life with a child of my own????? Why am I putting my body through hell and back and still for NOTHING!!!!! I already know what my beta will say tomorrow...... so please don't try to sugar coat it with "maybe just maybe it will be positive tomorrow". I have thought that myself, and it aches too much to let my heart even try to muster up any more hope.

We still have a fresh cycle that we have paid for, but honestly I don't even want to do it anymore- I am tired of loosing my babies. We have lost 11 now....ELEVEN perfect, healthy babies. Then they are put into me and then they die........ why????

And if one more person says "well you can just adopt"...... really???? Do you have the $30-40,000 needed for that? Do you have it to give to us, after we have already spent well over $60,000 trying to have our own baby????

I know I am being unchristian, ungrateful or what ever you want to call it, but this is how I feel. I am disillusioned with living my life the best way I feel that God wants me to, and I cant have the true desire of my heart. Sweetness is so supportive and yet I know he aches too. I feel bad for telling him how desperate and dark I feel.

I know this is crazy of me to think,. but I really do feel like the Lord has forgotten me or is picking on me. Why does He allow all these women to conceive who don't want the baby, who abort them or otherwise abuse them??? Why does the Lord allow that little life to even be conceived? When we would be wonderful parents and we are continually denied the joy of a BFP. I know, I'll never know the answer this side of heaven.

I'm sorry if I have offened some of you with this post, or if you think differently of me now, but everyone has bad days, and today just happens to be one of my worst.

I don't think any one's heart can be as broken as mine is right now........

I POAS.....

So I could not help myself any longer, and this morning I broke down and POAS.

And it was negative. I am 9dp3dt now, so it should be showing starting today. I am going to try to have an ounce of hope moving into Friday- but not much to be honest. This whole thing is so unfair.