Offically approved to adopt and notarized contracts

So yesterday we had our psych eval for surrogacy. That was really not what I expected, but nonetheless a necessary step in all of this. It went great and she is going to write it up and send it to my clinic. Also yesterday evening our social worker came over for the home visit- and it went very good. She said everything was perfect and she has to do is write up the official home study and send us a final copy. We are so happy to have this done and finally behind us! So now after the surrogate gives birth to our children we can legally adopt them within a few weeks and we are good to go! And today the surrogate and her hubby are getting the contracts notarized! We are getting so close. Now the only hang up is our embryos. It was decided last evening that we will in fact be using the embryos from South Carolina. A wonderful couple is donating her 4 remaining embies to us. She has done SO much leg work today and getting all the coordinating documents done etc. to get them shipped here. So it really does look like we will be able to get this done in May and I am sooooo excited!! Thank you all for the fund raising ideas you have sent me, and most of all the amazing prayers of my true friends. I am so grateful and so hopeful today!!! Ill be in touch soon!

We officially have some contracts

Yesterday I went to our lawyer and my mom came along . I thought I was just going to pick up the completed contracts, but we ended up there for over 2 hours. We discussed certain scenarios, and she cautioned us about other things, all trying to protect us I guess. Our lawyer is so wonderful. She is like the grandmotherly type and I really feel so comfortable with her. So later that evening we met with our surrogate and her husband and delivered the contracts to her. She now has them and will look them over and hopefully sign them and we will at least have that part done.

I spoke to our nurse at the clinic and she is still trying to get the official embryo donation consent form turned in from the couple we are adopting these embryos from. I am trying very hard not to worry that this is not going to happen, its just so many things that have to happen. So we still sit and wait basically.

Also this Tuesday we will be having our psych evaluation for surrogacy with the doctor the clinic recommended. Then as soon as that is over- we then will come home to the social worker and she will tour our home for the home visit portion of our home study!! It fels like some things are actually happening!!

Home study- Take 2

As I said last post- we have to get our partially finished home study completed- because we are having to do a formal adoption at the end of the pregnancy with our surrogate. This morning I went and met with our social worker who is handling our home study. I had my individual meeting with her- Sweetness has already completed his. It was a very nice meeting today. I had to recall my whole childhood- but it was nice to tell my story and how much the Lord has brought me through ad how I have seen His hand at work in my life.

Now the last thing that will happen is she will come to our home to do a "home inspection" basically to be sure our home has room for a child(ren) and is safe and clean. So we scheduled that for next Tuesday. Mach 29. So we will go get our psych evaluation early afternoon and meet her in the late afternoon.

I am excited, I really feel as though we are moving forward and somethings are actually happening!! So after our case worker sees our home, she will write up the formal report and we will have a totally approved home study!!! We will officially be allowed by teh state to adopt a child. How nice!

In other news, my fave nurse Bethie called yesterday and they are well on their way to getting everything lined up for us. Remember that funky blood test the bio parents have to submit to? Well she talked to a maternal/fetal medicine doctor yesterday and he told her exactly what tests needed to be ordered for the bio parents of our embryos. But at least it is moving forward!!

And I spoke to my surrogate and we are meeting Friday night to review the contract from the attorney and get all the legalities signed. Woooooh. I am exhausted just thinking about all this stuff.

And to top it off, I'm not sure if I mentioned this last time, but every Wednesday night for the next 8 weeks we are taking a class to be certified to be foster parents in our city. We are doing this as a back up in case something falls through with the surrogacy. I just want to have a back up plan. Last week was week 1 and it was very informative. If nothing else you can learn good parenting skills there. So tonight is week 2 and we are pretty excited about. There are LOTS of families in there going through it with us. We met some last week and there are doctors and police officers etc. Very nice to know so many people want to help in our community.

Well that's all for now- will update again soon!
PS- to the person who donated anonymously to our surrogate fund.....Thank YOU!!!! That was so much appreciated!

Love to you all!

A Hard Post- but it was requested

This is a hard thing to do, but I know so many people love us and wish to help us.

I have had 3 requests for ways to give us money to help us in the undertaking of the surrogacy that is VERY expensive. So some of my very crafty friends suggested a PayPal button where they could donate some money to help us. I thought that was so sweet of them. But please I do not want anyone to feel obligated or pressured. It is there simply for those who are asking on how to help us. Believe me every little bit helps!!! I am getting a second job in the evening after my normal full-time job to try to help us make it- so believe me we are so grateful!

The button is directly to the left of this column- at the top where it says "Donate".

Thank you again for every one's willingness to help us- even if it is praying for us constantly- we feel those prayers and are so thankful for them ALL!!! God Bless you all for everything!

We are moving along!!

Well here is an update on our journey's progress.....

It seems like we have a million and 5 things that we have to do to have a dagg-on baby. I mean people get pregnant all the time and do not have to do any of this crap! I am really frustrated if you cant tell. So this is where we are:

The lawyer : she is wonderful!! But we are having to pay $5000 for the surrogacy paperwork and the subsequent adoption at the end. Because these children will not be biologically related to us, we have to go through a FULL ADOPTION after the baby is born. Which leads us to the adoption...... which means we have to now finish the home study we stopped 1/2 way through because the birth mom changed her mind (remember??).... So lets add another $1500 to that. I go in on Wednesday to have my last meeting with the social worker before the home visit and then she will write it up.

The clinic: Well they of course are not moving fast at all. But they did let me know all the hoops we have to jump through. So the surrogate and her husband has to have a full STD panel, she has to have a hydro sonogram as well as a psych evaluation.

Me and Sweetness also have to have a psych evaluation. Our appointment is next Thursday, but really? I mean the clinic KNOWS us- but no we have to pay $350 for them to "certify" we are not mental. Love it!

So I feel like I have a million things going on, and trying to get all these meeting done before I return to work on April 4th. At can I just say I am absolutely dreading going back to work there. It is so stressful and my immediate boss is so mean and basically hates me- so yeah not thrilled. But I do have an interview tomorrow, but honestly not thrilled about it or even thinking its going to be a real contender. But I will keep you updated.

But I also am going to have to take a part time evening job to make enough money to pay the surrogate. It should be an exciting rest of the year- but I just want to go ahead and transfer the embryos and get her pregnant and get on with it!!!

So I pick up the final surrogate contract at the lawyer on Friday afternoon, and then I will drop it off to my surrogate for her to review, so hopefully we will be on our way.

Thanks for all the prayers.....we are still have a long way to go!

Lawyers and contracts

So I have realized that this is going to be a long drawn out process I think. I have my appointment with my attorney on Wednesday to begin the drafting of the surrogacy paperwork. This is one crucial step that must happen of course before we can be on our way.

But the embryo donation/adoption may be a trickier story. The lady in South Carolina wants to donate her 4 remaining embies to us and is still very willing, but there is alot of paperwork and such to get them here to Va Beach. Then yesterday my sweet nurse Bethie calls me and we start discussing this whole thing. And she tells me that a batch of about 10 embryos came up recently and that she is going to see if Dr. O will allow me to have some of them. She said it would be safer to use these embies that are local than to try to ship the others because things can happen in the shipping and they can be killed or damaged. Soooooooo the couple her that has these left over embryos has not yet signed the official papers to realease them to be donated. But the paperwork was mailed out last week. So all of this to say I have no idea what to do, but I am trusting the Lord to work it all out to His glory!!!

I will let you know what happens. Thanks again for all the prayers.

AMAZING NEWS!!!!!!

Well boy do I have good news for all my faithful blog followers. I know my blog has been full of sadness and despair lately- but it seems as if the darkest night WAS truly just before the Dawn!!!

So tonight Sweetness and I went to dinner with the possible surrogate and her husband. It was truly a wonderful time. She is so sweet and down-to-Earth. Her little girls are precious. We talked about everything and feel at complete peace with her carrying our children. She is a 27 yr old christian. No smoking or drinking. She has been a surrogate before and loves being able to give people a family.

Sweetness and her husband even planned a golf outing together sometime soon!!! How is that for a GOD-moment for ya???

The the BEST news of all came when we got home tonight. I sent the lady an email who has been praying about donating her 4 remaining embryos to us to tell her about our meeting and how it all went. And she emailed us back already and said that her and her and husband had already made their decision- and that they have decided to donate them to US!!!!!

I am so excited I can not even stand it! Sweetness and I are crying tears of joy and I am amazed at how the Lord has brought all of us together at just the right timing----- this must have been what He had planned all along!

So now the next step is getting the precious little ones shipped here. Of course there is a special process to ship them safely and securely to keep them frozen and not to be damaged. The biological mom said she will be in touch with her clinic Monday morning and get the ball rolling!! WOW WOW WOW!!!! I am just so elated!!! (Can you tell??)

For the first time in a LONG time- I feel like we are finally going to have the little family we have dreamed of! I must say a special thank you to ALL OF YOU who have prayed for years along with us for an answer to our infertility struggle. You all have helped make this possible- you ALL have helped get our prayers answered. I am in awe at the power of prayer!

Thank you and I will keep you updated as we begin this special journey!

The Darkest Night----just before the dawn

So here I am a day later and feeling so much better. I am somewhat sorry I wrote all I wrote yesterday, but this is my place to vent and journal and it was really where I was and how I was feeling. I thank all of you who have commented and understood where I was- and told me it was okay to grieve. It meant a lot. For the one person that commented and started judging- I deleted your comment- and if you don't have something nice to say or don't like what I have to say- then don't click or come to this site. Good? Great!

Now onto some hope-filled news. I am a member of a fertility board and through a series of a couple of friends, I was put in contact with a young woman who was looking to donate her 4 remaining embryos to a couple in need. She and I have been conversing and praying about it- and she is still as yet undecided- but she is leaning towards donating them to us. She is done having children and certainly does not want them destroyed.

Also I spoke to my clinic director this morning and presented her with a scenario and asked if they would be open to it. She just called back and said yes!!! So what is the plan you ask?

I proposed that we be given our full refund of 1/2 the shared-risk plan fee (which is what was agreed upon in the contract) and in addition so I use a surrogate and give these precious ones the best shot at life- if they would give us a free cryo cycle for our surrogate to implant the embies into her uterus. And they AGREED!!! What a blessing!! That is a savings of about $4200!!!!!

So we are still going to be about $5-10,000 short so I am going to look into taking a part-time job doing whatever I have to do to try to raise this money during the time she is pregnant. I hope with the Lord on our side- He will line it all up. I am going to have to trust Him that He is bringing all this together- and do the best I possible can.

It is all still in very preliminary stages- and the donated embryos are not certain yet- but I just wanted to let my special friends (on here and in real life) that truly care about me and have cried and prayed with/for me during the past 48 hours. Your prayers for peace and hope are being heard and fulfilled!!! Thank you for standing in the gap!

The end of the road.... and my "200th" Post

So who would have thought when I started this blog 2 years ago that here I would be, Post 200- and about to post the most depressing, sad news of my life...... Dr, O just called to officially tell me that my 5th and final attempt at IVF is NEGATIVE. Not a big surprise to me as I have been saying all week.

To say I am not in a good place in an understatement. I feel lower than Ive ever been, and I feel so angry at the God I have trusted all my life and who put this strong desire in my heart for a child, yet denies it to me time and time again. I really should shut the computer now and not go on rambling about the true heart wrenching and impossible place I am in. But alas, I guess in some way it's therapeutic for me.

So we really are at the end of our rope. We have spent every dime we had and more on all this IVF, and we have nothing but loan payments to show for it. How's that for a shot of reality for ya? And we have no money to even begin to think about adoption (for those of you who want to write and tell me to just adopt- it starts out costing about $35000 for a black baby and far more for a white baby). So yeah- not doing that.

Surrogacy was a possibility. I met a nice surrogate- she would only charge $20,000, but again who has that? And that's really it. I mean I guess only the rich and famous get a baby through these methods if you can keep going with money being no object. It is not fair in any way that money is keeping us from having a family.

And now I must begin the long and painful journey to acceptance of a child-free life. How doe one do that exactly- when the ONLY things you have ever wanted was to be a mother???? Some one tell me? In God's time I know.....In God's will..... I know all that too- and somehow I dont believe any of that anymore.

So clearly not in a good place, and the selfishness that surrounds me from some of my so called "friends" is not helping me right now either. But what goes around comes around, and I'll leave it at that.

For those of you that have been praying and reaching out- I thank you and am so sorry I can not post my happy baby news that it was finally my time. Nope instead it is my time to retreat.

Determined to have a good weekend

Well I am still not in the best of moods. I guess I feel I already know what the fate if this cycle is gonna be, yet again. But I am not testing anymore until the beta on Wednesday. It is what it is. But I am also determined to have a nice weekend with my Sweetness.

He really is my most precious gift and I am so thankful for him, even through all of this infertility mess, he has stood with me through it all.

I did speak with a friend of a friend the other night about surrogacy. She delivered twins 2 years ago as a surrogate and has 2 children of her own. But when I say expensive, I mean I don't even know how its even possible. My mom has said she is now going to begin the process with my doctor and find out if she is even a candidate.

I guess I look at his situation differently than my friends and family. Meaning if I had children easily like most of them all have, I would not even hesitate to offer to carry a child for them. I mean I can honestly say that with no reservations, and it just does not seem to be the case in return.

But we may have to ultimately try to learn to give up our dream and live childless, but I promise you I di nor know how to even begin to let go of the most deep desire I have ever had. Will I ever be happy without a child? I don't know and truthfully I don't want to find out....

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i did it...

I POAS this afternoon and nothing. Sweetness says it too early, but "here we go again" is all I can think. Lord Please don't let me have to endure this again. Why??????

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4dp5dt

I'm still here, and hopefully percolating my sweet babies.... Technically tomorrow at 5dp5dt I can do a HPT, but I am going to see how much resolve I have to not test until the beta. Ya'll know me and I don't know if that is even possible, but I am going to try for my sanity.

Last night, I went to my monthly Resolve (an infertility support group) meeting, and I must say it was FAB-U-LOUS!!!!! We had about 15 women and many new members are coming every week. I have had a good support group thus far in my 2 year + journey. But I can not begin to express the difference you feel when you are sitting with people and hearing their hurts and pains and feeling like you are not so ALONE!!!!!

I mean I know Sweetness and I have been through ALOT with all these failed IUIs and 5 IVFs, but some of the pain and situations that were shared were so humbling. These women are still standing, still hoping and are so strong. SO STRONG.

I hope that we all develop a very tight bond in this group and that we all watch as each and every one becomes a mom in the way the Lord intended for each of us.

Thank you Jesus for blessing me with these amazing women, to learn from , to share with and to lean on. You truly send us exactly what we need. I hope I am not about to have another BFN, but if I do, it is comforting to know these ladies are there to grieve with us.

2dp5dt

Well gals, I am a whole 2 days past my 5 day transfer...... man this is gonna be a long 2 weeks........ but I vacillate from being very hopeful to discouraged and what are we going to do next when this doesn't work??



But for now I relax, lay on the bed, watch TV, read books, sleep , eat some and wait for Sweetness to get home. That is about the extent of my day right now. But I am sooooo loving not being in that stress-filled job I have. It is amazing how much better my sense of self has improved not being there everyday! I'm sure when I cant pay bills because I am not working is not going to feel so great- but we will cross that bridge when we get there.



I did give the baby shower Saturday for my girlfriend Amanda, who is due in 4 short weeks. It went really well. I just do not feel like uploading those pics right now- but I will soon.



Oh and the nurse called today- the other 3 embryos we had all arrested and basically stopped growing. So we do not have a FET cycle to pull out of this shared-risk program. I think what we are leaning towards as our last ditch effort is one round of DE if this one does not work. We will get 1/2 the shared risk fee back and can put it towards that without having to come up with any more money. So we will pursue this in earnest if we have to..... I just wish I knew.



I just wish I was pregnant and almost about to meet our miracle, I just wish there was an easy way to do surrogacy, I just wish someone would offer to do it for us and it be easy, not so complicated. I feel like surrogacy is probably our best option because we do have pretty good embryos, it's just my "perfect uterus" is not so perfect- it clearly does not want to do its job!



So we may pursue a friend of a friend who has been a gestational carrier 2 times before and see if we can get a reduced price maybe??? I just want to be a mother, I just want to rock my baby in the middle of the night, I just want push my baby in a cute stroller, I just want to be a family!!! Why is this so heart breaking????



Lord please help me to trust you. Please help me to know what you want for us, help us please..... to be patient while we wait.