Lawyers and contracts

So I have realized that this is going to be a long drawn out process I think. I have my appointment with my attorney on Wednesday to begin the drafting of the surrogacy paperwork. This is one crucial step that must happen of course before we can be on our way.

But the embryo donation/adoption may be a trickier story. The lady in South Carolina wants to donate her 4 remaining embies to us and is still very willing, but there is alot of paperwork and such to get them here to Va Beach. Then yesterday my sweet nurse Bethie calls me and we start discussing this whole thing. And she tells me that a batch of about 10 embryos came up recently and that she is going to see if Dr. O will allow me to have some of them. She said it would be safer to use these embies that are local than to try to ship the others because things can happen in the shipping and they can be killed or damaged. Soooooooo the couple her that has these left over embryos has not yet signed the official papers to realease them to be donated. But the paperwork was mailed out last week. So all of this to say I have no idea what to do, but I am trusting the Lord to work it all out to His glory!!!

I will let you know what happens. Thanks again for all the prayers.

AMAZING NEWS!!!!!!

Well boy do I have good news for all my faithful blog followers. I know my blog has been full of sadness and despair lately- but it seems as if the darkest night WAS truly just before the Dawn!!!

So tonight Sweetness and I went to dinner with the possible surrogate and her husband. It was truly a wonderful time. She is so sweet and down-to-Earth. Her little girls are precious. We talked about everything and feel at complete peace with her carrying our children. She is a 27 yr old christian. No smoking or drinking. She has been a surrogate before and loves being able to give people a family.

Sweetness and her husband even planned a golf outing together sometime soon!!! How is that for a GOD-moment for ya???

The the BEST news of all came when we got home tonight. I sent the lady an email who has been praying about donating her 4 remaining embryos to us to tell her about our meeting and how it all went. And she emailed us back already and said that her and her and husband had already made their decision- and that they have decided to donate them to US!!!!!

I am so excited I can not even stand it! Sweetness and I are crying tears of joy and I am amazed at how the Lord has brought all of us together at just the right timing----- this must have been what He had planned all along!

So now the next step is getting the precious little ones shipped here. Of course there is a special process to ship them safely and securely to keep them frozen and not to be damaged. The biological mom said she will be in touch with her clinic Monday morning and get the ball rolling!! WOW WOW WOW!!!! I am just so elated!!! (Can you tell??)

For the first time in a LONG time- I feel like we are finally going to have the little family we have dreamed of! I must say a special thank you to ALL OF YOU who have prayed for years along with us for an answer to our infertility struggle. You all have helped make this possible- you ALL have helped get our prayers answered. I am in awe at the power of prayer!

Thank you and I will keep you updated as we begin this special journey!

The Darkest Night----just before the dawn

So here I am a day later and feeling so much better. I am somewhat sorry I wrote all I wrote yesterday, but this is my place to vent and journal and it was really where I was and how I was feeling. I thank all of you who have commented and understood where I was- and told me it was okay to grieve. It meant a lot. For the one person that commented and started judging- I deleted your comment- and if you don't have something nice to say or don't like what I have to say- then don't click or come to this site. Good? Great!

Now onto some hope-filled news. I am a member of a fertility board and through a series of a couple of friends, I was put in contact with a young woman who was looking to donate her 4 remaining embryos to a couple in need. She and I have been conversing and praying about it- and she is still as yet undecided- but she is leaning towards donating them to us. She is done having children and certainly does not want them destroyed.

Also I spoke to my clinic director this morning and presented her with a scenario and asked if they would be open to it. She just called back and said yes!!! So what is the plan you ask?

I proposed that we be given our full refund of 1/2 the shared-risk plan fee (which is what was agreed upon in the contract) and in addition so I use a surrogate and give these precious ones the best shot at life- if they would give us a free cryo cycle for our surrogate to implant the embies into her uterus. And they AGREED!!! What a blessing!! That is a savings of about $4200!!!!!

So we are still going to be about $5-10,000 short so I am going to look into taking a part-time job doing whatever I have to do to try to raise this money during the time she is pregnant. I hope with the Lord on our side- He will line it all up. I am going to have to trust Him that He is bringing all this together- and do the best I possible can.

It is all still in very preliminary stages- and the donated embryos are not certain yet- but I just wanted to let my special friends (on here and in real life) that truly care about me and have cried and prayed with/for me during the past 48 hours. Your prayers for peace and hope are being heard and fulfilled!!! Thank you for standing in the gap!

The end of the road.... and my "200th" Post

So who would have thought when I started this blog 2 years ago that here I would be, Post 200- and about to post the most depressing, sad news of my life...... Dr, O just called to officially tell me that my 5th and final attempt at IVF is NEGATIVE. Not a big surprise to me as I have been saying all week.

To say I am not in a good place in an understatement. I feel lower than Ive ever been, and I feel so angry at the God I have trusted all my life and who put this strong desire in my heart for a child, yet denies it to me time and time again. I really should shut the computer now and not go on rambling about the true heart wrenching and impossible place I am in. But alas, I guess in some way it's therapeutic for me.

So we really are at the end of our rope. We have spent every dime we had and more on all this IVF, and we have nothing but loan payments to show for it. How's that for a shot of reality for ya? And we have no money to even begin to think about adoption (for those of you who want to write and tell me to just adopt- it starts out costing about $35000 for a black baby and far more for a white baby). So yeah- not doing that.

Surrogacy was a possibility. I met a nice surrogate- she would only charge $20,000, but again who has that? And that's really it. I mean I guess only the rich and famous get a baby through these methods if you can keep going with money being no object. It is not fair in any way that money is keeping us from having a family.

And now I must begin the long and painful journey to acceptance of a child-free life. How doe one do that exactly- when the ONLY things you have ever wanted was to be a mother???? Some one tell me? In God's time I know.....In God's will..... I know all that too- and somehow I dont believe any of that anymore.

So clearly not in a good place, and the selfishness that surrounds me from some of my so called "friends" is not helping me right now either. But what goes around comes around, and I'll leave it at that.

For those of you that have been praying and reaching out- I thank you and am so sorry I can not post my happy baby news that it was finally my time. Nope instead it is my time to retreat.

Determined to have a good weekend

Well I am still not in the best of moods. I guess I feel I already know what the fate if this cycle is gonna be, yet again. But I am not testing anymore until the beta on Wednesday. It is what it is. But I am also determined to have a nice weekend with my Sweetness.

He really is my most precious gift and I am so thankful for him, even through all of this infertility mess, he has stood with me through it all.

I did speak with a friend of a friend the other night about surrogacy. She delivered twins 2 years ago as a surrogate and has 2 children of her own. But when I say expensive, I mean I don't even know how its even possible. My mom has said she is now going to begin the process with my doctor and find out if she is even a candidate.

I guess I look at his situation differently than my friends and family. Meaning if I had children easily like most of them all have, I would not even hesitate to offer to carry a child for them. I mean I can honestly say that with no reservations, and it just does not seem to be the case in return.

But we may have to ultimately try to learn to give up our dream and live childless, but I promise you I di nor know how to even begin to let go of the most deep desire I have ever had. Will I ever be happy without a child? I don't know and truthfully I don't want to find out....

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i did it...

I POAS this afternoon and nothing. Sweetness says it too early, but "here we go again" is all I can think. Lord Please don't let me have to endure this again. Why??????

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4dp5dt

I'm still here, and hopefully percolating my sweet babies.... Technically tomorrow at 5dp5dt I can do a HPT, but I am going to see how much resolve I have to not test until the beta. Ya'll know me and I don't know if that is even possible, but I am going to try for my sanity.

Last night, I went to my monthly Resolve (an infertility support group) meeting, and I must say it was FAB-U-LOUS!!!!! We had about 15 women and many new members are coming every week. I have had a good support group thus far in my 2 year + journey. But I can not begin to express the difference you feel when you are sitting with people and hearing their hurts and pains and feeling like you are not so ALONE!!!!!

I mean I know Sweetness and I have been through ALOT with all these failed IUIs and 5 IVFs, but some of the pain and situations that were shared were so humbling. These women are still standing, still hoping and are so strong. SO STRONG.

I hope that we all develop a very tight bond in this group and that we all watch as each and every one becomes a mom in the way the Lord intended for each of us.

Thank you Jesus for blessing me with these amazing women, to learn from , to share with and to lean on. You truly send us exactly what we need. I hope I am not about to have another BFN, but if I do, it is comforting to know these ladies are there to grieve with us.