20 wk ultrasound today....

No not for Chloe.... She is already 31 weeks old!!!

But today surely was not at all what I expected. I arrived at work this morning to a sobbing student. I took her in another room and we discussed what was wrong. In a short version, she is 20 wks pregnant (which I already knew), and her boyfriend broke up with her last night and wants nothing more to do with her or the baby. But a caveat here, they broke up once before in march and she got drunk and slept with some guy she was in the Navy with, then her and her boyfriend got back together and she slept with him 3 days later!!! So there in lies the rub, she has no idea whose baby this is.

So her boyfriend originally told her he loved her anyway and was excited about the baby but now he says he cant do it...... (I kind of don't blame him really) but I was just trying to be supportive.

So then she says that today is her 20 week gender/morphology ultrasound and she doesn't want to go alone, and she was sobbing asking me if I would go with her?? So of course I said yes.

I thought I could do it, and just enjoy the amazement of it all....... Well I was kinda right, kinda wrong.

let me just say that the experience was AHHH-mazing!!1 I have never seen that amazing detail of the precious baby at 20 weeks. You could see all the chambers of his heart and all the parts of the brain. They measured his humerus and femur and he weighs a whopping 10 oz today. And then she was able to find out it is a BOY!!!! I was so thrilled as we stood there staring at the screen, in the darkened room, and silently as I stood behind her, I wept. I wept.

I wept for all that I will never have, never experience the life growing inside me, and never have Sweetness see the miracle I just saw today. My heart literally broke in two. As she got dressed I went to the restroom to get it together for her- after all I am her professor, and we drove back to school. I listened to her tell with excitement her mom and dad that its a boy, and the joy of the grandparents impending grandson. It was all too much.

So after I got back to my office I sat there and silently sobbed for a bit and let it all out. I told the Lord how unfair I think this all is.......... she gets to have a one night stand and doesn't even know who the father is and I don't get to have a baby to raise to love Him??? I just want to know why!!!

Well the amazing part is, I was still quite teary as my evening class was rolling in, and a sweet student named Kim came up to me and handed me a bag and said these are some presents for Chloe we all pitched in and bought you. I was so floored, the tears started again!! :) How sweet they were..... several Hello Kitty onesies and carters play suits and stuff. I guess the Lord sent what I needed right then to ease this agonizing pain.

Just thought I would share my 20-week ultrasound experience.

Our trip to Pennsylvania....

So last weekend we went north, ultimately to pick up birth mom and bring her back with us, but that did not happen. So I am going to do this post on the positive things that did happen on the trip. So we drove up later Friday night, and then early Saturday morning we went to our nephew's wedding in a beautiful park. Here is a nice shot of Sweetness and me before the service. (BTW- these are my first pics taken with our new DSLR camera)

These cuties are the ring bearer and flower girl. The ring bearer is mt nephew- the brother of the groom- named Aiden. and the flower girl, named Alyssa is the daughter of the bride.

This is during the service..... it was such a beautiful setting at this park, and such nice weather!!!

I thought I did such a nice job taking this picture- looks frame worthy to me!!

Here they are cutting their cake!!! As you can see red was the color of the day. I think it was a little too much red, but let me tell you everything matched!!

So after the wedding was over, we headed another 2 hours north to visit with our sweet friends Tara and PJ who recently moved to Pennsylvania from here in Virginia.

They have such a wonderful and inviting home- we felt so welcome. We went to some outlet malls and shopped, the guys at Bass pro shops and the girls at Gymboree, Osh Kosh and Talbots.

Before we went to dinner at Texas Roadhouse we stopped and saw a beautiful covered bridge. There are several of them in Lancaster county and the area is rich with the Amish riding the roads in their horse-drawn carriages. I just loved it up there! So here are some cool pics of this one lane covered bridge....

And last but not least, here are our precious friends, PJ and Tara, who will be spending the entire month of September touring Europe! I'm so jealous!! Have fun kids and be safe!!

So that was our fun weekend and then of course we came back with out birth mom. But she and I texted yesterday and the plan now is we are going to meet her half way on Saturday, Sept. 4th and then I will drive her car back to Virginia and Sweetness will drive our car back to Virginia. This way she will not be driving the whole way alone and very pregnant- and she can still have her car while she is here visiting.
We are trying so hard to do anything we can to help her and get her here, so this adoption will be financially possible. Please keep us in your prayers, I am getting more and more anxious the closer it gets and she is not here in Virginia.

Our new camera!!!

Well, since the meeting of our little girl seems to be getting closer and closer, we were feeling very anxious about capturing these moments in a very nice fashion, after all her birth only happens ONCE right??

So we did a lot of research on DSLR cameras, the newest and greatest cameras. We basically discovered that Nikon and Canon are basically the same. They have all the same features and are very similar cost wise. We consulted the man who did our wedding pics and some other photog friends to ask their advice and/or opinion about which to choose. And we kept hearing Nikon, and then saying you really cant go wrong with a Canon either.

So we waited until there was a sale on one and we went for it. We just bought the Nikon D5100. We are so happy with it. We even bought the DSLR Book for Dummies also to help us figure out all these buttons and filters on this amazing camera.

A picture of it id below and it has a very nice LCD screen on the back with which you can view your pictures you have just taken. It also takes videos, takes Monochrome (B and W) pics, and has just about every bell and whistle on a camera it can have these days.

We bought it last week and took it with us last weekend to Maryland and Pennsylvania for my nephews wedding and I cant wait to do my first blog post using pictures from our new camera.

So now we are ready for Chloe's birth and her life and it will be documented VERY WELL!!!

Sept. 1st it is

Well I can not thank you all enough. It is so humbling how many people are praying for us and have texted us to say they are doing so after my post yesterday, It was a truly hard day.
This banner at the top is truly how my life feels, this blog is the dealings of "The good, the bad and the infertile." lol

So I really had not talked to Birthmom L all day, I was still swirling from the weekend and having my heart ripped out of me. But she texted early evening and I really told her in a gentle way what she was doing to us. She said she was scared of having no friends and being lonely at our house and I told her she wont even give us a chance and she's always telling me she is lonely at home anyway.

She continues to promise that Chloe is ours and she is coming, and I told her she is going to mess around too long and end up giving birth up there, and it will not be possible for us anymore. I told her to make this decision for Chloe and she can go right back to her life after she is born and safely with us. So she said she was sorry and that she would change. Then she said she will be here on Sept.1, 2011, I told her that she must keep that promise or we are going to walk away to save our tormented and broken hearts.

So I guess September 1st it is. Two more weeks and hopefully she will keep her promise although she has never kept a one to me yet, she doesn't even call when we set a time to call. SO I am trying to give it to the Lord but I don't even know if I believe He exists anymore- I am a hot mess for sure.

And on a side note- a service guy came over last night and fixed our fridge. The control panel in the back had shorted out. Thank fully we have a home warranty and we only paid the $60 deductible. Now we just have to go and buy all these groceries again because we threw almost everything away. Ahhhhh nothing like a cold drink!!!

Game over- I'm out.

Well I know you are waiting for an update.

So we flew out of the house Friday night, drove to Hagerstown. MD, stayed in hotel overnight, went to my nephew's wedding at 11 am on Saturday. Then we drove another 2 hours north to Lancaster, PA and spent the evening with my friends PJ and Tara- man it was so good to see them. We had so much fun visiting covered bridges and shopping at outlets, I have pics to post and I will soon.

Then we went to bed. Sunday (yesterday) morning I text her at 7:30 when I got up- she said she would see me in 2 hours- right on track, then at 9:30 when she is supposed to be meeting us, she texted to say she is throwing up again and at the hospital. Are you really expecting me to buy this line again???? I was so livid, I really told her that I was so sick of all the LIES. WE JUST DROVE OVER 500 MILES TO PICK YOU UP AND YOU AREN'T GOING TO MEET US, AND FURTHERMORE WONT EVEN TALK TO ME ON THE PHONE B/C YOU DON'T WANT TO BE CONFRONTED ON YOUR LIES????? I was so upset...... so sweetness tried to comfort me as best he could- and we began the agonizing drive back home. It was POURING down rain the whole way and we were exhausted by the time we finally got home.

As we began to leave she asked us to spend the night and she would come tomorrow, huh??? No way were we getting sucked in AGAIN. And then she keeps telling me "Chloe is yours i promise", "I'm gonna drive myself down there on Aug. 30", "I just want to die", "Im sorry I am such a b****". I mean she really has some issues mentally- that's clear. I just don't believe anything she says. I don t understand how she could do this to another person and play with their emotions like this and not care.

So if I was in a bad place on Friday's post, you can imagine how I am today...... I am making it through the day until I can go home and break down.

And to make it worse. We got home last night, and went to grab a quick something to eat before bed, and the fridge died over the weekend, everything was hot and spoiled. All the meat we bought to have dinners with her this week, all gone....... So Im trying to get a repair person to come out today- but that seems impossible too right now.

When it rains..... it pours. I've about had all I can take God- game over-

I'm out.

Our prayers have been heard!!!

Thank you to all my sweet friend to have read my last blog post and have called and texted my phone to tell me that you are praying for us. Well our prayers have been answered it seems I got a text message from birth mom and she says she's ready to come we're currently on the road to pennsylvania to go get her. Hallelujah I am so happy right now I know this is only 1 step in the battle but it's a big step just getting her here to virginia. Please continue to cover us in prayer this weekend for traveling mercies as well is things going smoothly when we pick her up I will update you all on sunday night again. Please excuse punctuation and or grammatical errors as I am doing this on my phone in the car!!

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On the Edge..... literally

Okay, so it has been 2 weeks since I blogged , and I know you are all asking me what is going on. Well the long and short of it is I don't know.

I have had sooooo much happen the last 2 weeks that I could write in detail but it all boils down to this. The birth mom is a pathological liar and we have finally caught on. The last time we were to go pick her up, she texted of course (b/c she cant talk on the phone) that she fainted and was in the hospital. And frankly as tomorrow approached, the day were are to go get her again, has neared I was waiting for some similar happening.

Well sure enough last night she texts to say she is in the hospital and something may be wrong with the baby. I freak, she then waits 47 minutes to answer me and says she may not be growing right. Huh? And then I knew, here it was, and she has now stooped to an all time low. She was now going to use the baby to play with my emotions and her lies. When I called her on her lies and called her bluff, she admitted it. I am so far gone emotionally. I am a COMPLETE WRECK today.

This whole time, she and I have texted all day, everyday and everything is fine, she's coming, etc. and now this. All she has to say is "I'm scared, I cant come" whatever, but the lies and manipulation is really too much.

So today she wont answer if she is coming or not. She texts about ice cream and all this other crap but will not answer the question. My poor class knows whats going on because they have seen me crying, but I can not comprehend why she is doing this. She said last night that Chloe is still ours, and I told her no she isn't if you will not come down here so we can afford this adoption. She calls me her best friend, and I have listened to all her drama for 2 months daily now, but yet no courtesy or concern to just say I am not coming.

So about an hour ago I spoke to the baby's father, our nephew, and he has been texting her as well this morning and he is at his wits end too. He finally forwarded a message he sent to her, and he basically called her out and cussed her out. Someone needed to say it to her, but I have too much invested, I never can say "IM DONE". He also believes she may be psychotic and has said he has a bad feeling..... I am scared. He is afraid she would harm the baby to get back at him. Its hard for me to believe that, but I don't know her so......

Here I sit at work, a wreck....... I need some serious prayer guys PLEASE...... I really feel like I could have a breakdown although I don't know what that would feel like. My heart has been to hell and back through all of this and now to end here??? God do you have any mercy on my aching broken heart?

I honestly believe this baby was made for us. The Lord has made so many things fall right into place. We even have found THE MOST AMAZING lady to watch her. My heart is so broken, so empty and so sad. And everytime I open blogger another infertile has gotten pregnant. It really makes me so mad that all these people complain and bellyache about pregnancies and all this and everytime they do IVF they get pregnant. Had one with IVF #1 and now pregnant with twins on IVF #2!!!! Really God???? And I cant even have ONE BABY after 5 IVFS?????? as you can tell I am done today.

There are so many pics of cute things I have bought for her that I would like to show you and post here, but what's the point really? And her nursery looks PERFECT, better than I ever imagined, and it sits empty..... the rocking chair never used and all the beautiful clothes, shoes, hair bows and onesies all ready to be worn. It will be a long time before I can go in there and sell it all. A LONG TIME..... WHY God???? WHY????!!!!!

I wish I could crawl in a black hole and come out in 5 years when my reproductive years are over. Pray for me PLEASE.