Lost

I feel so lost right now, I don't know where to turn. I am sure we did not get pregnant with this IUI, and my mind and body are so way past that upcoming BFN, that I am lost.

Today I met with a loan officer from Wachovia, and it seems our dream has surely died. We do not have collateral in our home, so a loan for $20 000 would be like 12% interest with only 24 mos to pay it back, at a monthly payment of over $1000!!! I left there in tears, and have had to come to the real possibility that we will never be parents. I am currently sitting outside in the sunshine, crying, and asking God why? I mean WHY???? When the only thing I have ever really wanted in life was to have a baby. If one more friend calls and says they are expecting I just might go mad. I am so depressed now, I feel lost.

Why does God not want me to be a parent? Why does he allow all these women to get pregnant and then they go abort the baby? Why can all my friends get pregnant with out even any effort? Why Why Why? I am tired of begging and pleading with God to let us have a child. We are going to bankrupt in the process.

I know I have heard all the cliche and churchy answers about waiting for God's timing and He has a reason for all this. I just cant hear it anymore. I feel so lost, so down. Maybe I will never hold my own child, will I ever be fulfilled?

EXCITING NEWS!!!

Hey ya'll!! Well I finally have some GREAT news to share with you guys. No it's not a BFP, but something to definitely get us to the day when we can say we are pregnant!!!!

So I don't know if you guys remember a while back I talked about a "Shared Risk" program that we were hoping to be a part of, the link is here. With this program you can cycle for 2 rounds of IVF (2 fresh and 2 frozen cycles) all for one lump sum. It includes almost everything except the ICSI and injectible medications that I will have to buy. It is much more financially sound than how we did it in the past. At our previous clinic, they do not have a shared risk program and we paid about $20,000 to do ONE fresh and one frozen cycle of IVF. With this program, we can do 4 cycles as mentioned above for $25,000. I know it is a TON of money, but nothing seems to great right now to be able to start our family.

Well to be in this shared risk program, you have to meet a whole checklist of criteria, some of which I was afraid I would not make it. Two doctors in the practice have to approve you to be in the program. And over the age of 35 they do not really allow you to participate, and I have 9 months until I am 35, so my clock is definitely ticking!

Well today, at 2 pm I received a call from the Jones' Institute stating that we have FINALLY been approved into the program!!!!!!!!!!!!! I was so excited, I felt like jumping out of my skin! So we are still in our 2WW right now to see if we conceived from the IUI on Tuesday, but if we did not, we now feel like we have a plan to get us to home base!!!

One more awesome thing about this program is that if you do not achieve a pregnancy in these 4 tries, AND carry a baby to 28 weeks gestation(viable baby) then they will either refund you 1/2 of the total cost, or you can have one more fresh and frozen IVF cycle! So either way after this we should be in better shape than we are now (with no baby and out ALL THAT MONEY).

We are so excite and hopeful. My boss said today that I have his support to go ahead with this. So now we have to work on getting our funding together, and wait for April 22, to see if the IUI worked. I feel so much HOPE right now!

Thank you for all the continued prayers as we prepare to embark on a very long journey, many many months again of painstaking medical procedures and injections...... but I live for the day when I FINALLY can hold MY sweet baby(ies) in my arms, and then all of this would be a small sacrifice! I will keep you updated!

I've been sperminated !!

So yesterday we had our first IUI. It was pretty uneventful, after they did it, I layed there for 15 minutes and then we went home. So I start the Prometrium tomorrow, my least favorite part of all of this.....

They said I could test on April 22, and know if it worked. So I am sure this 2WW will be so exciting!!! If it does not work, we will move forward with IVF again.

Other than that news, not much is happening on our end. I am having problems with this woman at work who is truly mentally unstable, and she is so dramatic, full out tears and all if she does not get her way....... and I am really quite over it! The joys of the workplace. So that keeps me pretty occupied during the day and I am also training a new instructor to teach Microbiology, so I am real busy. Maybe this will be a nice distraction while we wait.

Thank you all for the text messages yesterday, and certainly for the prayers. We felt them all!!!

Love to you all......

The Ultrasound

Well today was our US after being on Clo.mid for 5 days. And I tell you, my ovaries just are not responding right to me. I only had ONE mature follicle, I wanted at least 2, and it was only at 14mm!!! So anyways, the doctor (a fellow) did not seem all that concerned about it.

So the plan is that I give myself the HcG injection, to trigger ovulation, on Monday morning, and then Tuesday we will have our IUI, and pray it works. I honestly do not feel great about it at all. I don't know why, maybe because I have never heard of anyone getting pregnant using Clo.mid, they always end up needed something else, like IVF.

But I will try to remain somewhat hopeful, and will let you know where we stand next week.

In other news, I am looking very forward to revamping my flowerbeds tomorrow with my Mom, and then celebrating a glorious Easter weekend.

HE'S ALIVE, HE'S ALIVE, HE'S ALIVE AND I'M FORGIVEN, HEAVEN'S GATES ARE OPEN WIDE! HE'S ALIVE!!!

Thanks for the prayers.....

A Gift and we are underway!

Wow, this has been a very long week. But one of my classes, gave me a really sweet gift this week. It was a gift certificate for a 60 minute Swedish massage!!! I thought that was so sweet, and much needed after the week I have had dealing with my other class. So I can not wait to put that to good use.

Finally, today I will begin taking the Clom.id and getting this cycle underway. Yesterday I also bought the Cle.arBlue Easy Ovulation moniter, which was pretty expensive, but it is important to monitor my LH and FSH levels so we can time the IUI correctly. I am excited about getting this all underway and feel like we are "doing" something!!!!

I will let you know how it progresses, and we are set for our first US this coming Friday April 2!! Hopefully my little eggs will get peculating :)

Thank you all for the prayers, and let's see what happens......

Finally....

Well finally AF showed up yesterday. SO now we can begin our journey with the IUIs, hopefully to get our baby!!!

So I called the clinic on Day 1 (yesterday) and we have the first US scheduled for next Friday, April 2nd. I begin taking the Clo.mid on Saturday for 5 days. After the US next Friday, they will let us know when the actual IUI will be. Will keep you guys updated!!!

Still incredibly late!

Well I just STILL have not started!!!! I am about 11 days late now and AF is still no where in sight. I called the clinic on Friday and they said to give it another week until net Friday and if I have still not started, then I will have to come in and get a blood preg test so they can give me Provera. You take Provera for like 5 days and then it causes you to bleed afterwards.

The nurse Wendy thinks that because I want to get a new treatment underway, that my body is just not cooperating. Soooooooo needless to say we are still waiting.......

On another note, I was offered a full-time position with a very nice salary at my current job as a college professor. I have to let them know on Monday if I accept it, but I am going to. We feel so blessed by this in such a terrible economy.

Also, I have been "toying" with the idea of going back to school to get my RN degree at the school where I teach. The reasons I am thinking of this are multi-fold, but the most important one is job security for the future, you can get a job as a nurse ANYWHERE. And the more I teach these students, the more I think I would really like it. Not to mention I would get an 80% tuition grant if I remain employed while going to school. And there in lies the problem. We just can not afford for me to not work, so I don't know how I could feasibly really work 40+ hrs per week and go through a very accelerated RN prgm. I could be finished in 12 months, but just so much to think about!!!! So we are in much prayer of this decision and would appreciate my peeps praying with us. I will let you know when we make a decision.

I think it would be pretty weird to have a PhD going back to school to get my RN degree but honestly having a PhD is not so great in this economy!!! You are so boxed in as to what you can do.

I will update again once I know when we will start the Clo.mid. Talk soon! Have a great weekend everyone!