Another adoption update

Well I know many of you are wanting an adoption update so here it goes....

Christmas was very nice with family, we got over 15" of snow in Va Beach and that NEVER happens!! We were actually snowed in!!!

Then we left my parents house and made the treacherous drive back to our house. Then we turned right around and headed out the door to meet with our adoption attorney for the first time. She was simply wonderful. She is a grandmother of 7 and her favorite thing to do is adoptions.

We discussed everything that will happen and how much money we owe her etc.... Then the best part- I called the BM and asked her about her Christmas. She said it was wonderful. I then HAD to ask her how she was feeling after having talked to me many days ago? And much to my relief she said she was actually soooo excited and so happy she found us.

So she told us to go ahead and buy stuff and do whatever we want to do, it makes her so happy to know her daughter will have a wonderful life. And she still wants me to go with her next week to the Ultrasound!!! Tuesday night we are taking her to dinner so she can meet my husband and mom. It really all seems to be falling into place!!!

After we left the attorney's office, and then stopped by Bab.ies R' Us to just look at the cost of all things baby. It was soooooo fun!!! We are so excited to actually get to do this!

The only thing I am the most worried about is childcare. I'm not sure what I am going to do at this point. I have asked one cousin who may think about it, and I have thought about working nights and watching her during the day, then hubby watch her at night. Its just so much to think about and instead of 10 months we only have 3 and a half!!!

So to any of my in-town friends, if you have anything baby that you want to get rid of and would let us use it, please contact me or leave a message here. I have so much to get !! But oh the miracle of it all!!!

My christmas miracle indeed

Okay ladies, you have got to sit down to read this post. God is working a huge miracle in our life right now!!!!

So a quick recap, yesterday a coworker came to me and said she HAD to talk to me. She explained that a student here at our school had come to her and told her she was pregnant and had decided to give the baby up for adoption, but had no idea where to go. My friend immediately thought of me. So she wanted to know if she could give her my name and phone number. What? Are you serious? Of course!!!

So fast forward to today. This student wanted to meet me right away (instead of call me)! So today the birth mom and I sat and talked for about 1 and 1/2 hours. She is 23 weeks along with a baby girl. She is 20 yrs old and IS MARRIED, however they are in a very abusive relationship, hes an alcoholic etc, and getting divorced on Feb 1st. She said he wanted her to get an abortion, she refused, so he wants to sign away his rights, he wants nothing to do with this baby. So sad. My heart was breaking for her.

Her parents are also pushing her to do adoption. She has thought about it now for 5 months and she really wants her daughter to have a better life than she can give and for her to have both parents around her entire life. I cried, balled actually. I thanked her a million times, and told her "thank you " doesn't seem to be enough here.

She said she feels so good about this. She really likes me, and she wants to get the process started. So I have called an adoption agency, our first meeting to get the home study started is Jan 3rd. Meanwhile I am getting all the paperwork and documents together. I have also secured an adoption attorney, our first meeting is THIS Monday the 27th!!! Oooooohhhhhh I am getting so giddy!

Yes yes I am very aware she could change her mind or anything could happen and it fall through, but seriously this is the closest thing to a baby we have ever been to and I am going to step out in faith and trust the Lord- that He is bringing this miracle into our lives and we will gladly accept and follow Him!!!

Her full body/growth US SCAN will be Jan 7th and she said I could come too!!! And I promise you the moment it all came together was when I showed her a list on my phone of girl names we have been compiling for over 2 years now..... I asked her if she liked any of them? She said she loved our #1 choice....Chloe. I said well then that's her name!!! She was so happy she could actually have a vote in that process. So baby Chloe is due on April 20th.....that is only 4 short months away!!! oh my gosh I am so excited, shocked, overwhelmed, and amazed at this my true Christmas miracle!!!

Ladies please pray for us, that HIS will be done, and that He would make it all work out JUST like its suppose to. And from a very happy family today- we wish you all a very Merry Christmas!!! I will be back after Christmas and let you know what has happened to bring us closer to our Chloe!

A big mistake..... and a bigger blessing

Yesterday was such a bad day, however it really ended with a huge blessing I could not have seen coming. To make a very long day short, I have been trying to order my meds for this last round of IVF for the past two weeks. It has had to be transferred to 2 different pharmacies, needed prior authorizations, needed quantity changed etc. I mean more red tape than I have ever seen for some hormones!!! Anyway, I was willing to wait for all this to go through my insurance instead of paying the 1000s of dollars for the cash price.

Last time we cycled, this same insurance charged me a copay of $150 for Folli.stim!!! Yes that's right, $150.00!!! I could NOT believe it when she told me the price, and I questioned it over and over. So why did they call yesterday and say I have no coverage for fertility meds? I was so confused and frustrated of being on the phone all day........and they should have told me this 2 weeks ago when all the paper trail began!

Finally someone was able to sift through my record and see what happened, and basically they made a mistake last time when I ordered. A very big one, this drug this time around will be $2880.00. So finally it was determined that none of these drugs were going to be covered.

Then I started to have a panic attack. We don't have the $5000 anymore for these meds, I was sure they were covered again like last time, no change in anything so why wouldn't they? Well I couldn't have been more wrong!!

I called the clinic and said I did not have the money for the meds, could I just forfeit my last two cycles that I have already paid for as part of the shared risk program? She said I could, but they would have to tally up everything I have had done there during these last 2 cycles (at full price) and I would probably end up owing money!!! Are you kidding me?

Then I panicked even more. Of course this was just about the time my whole company was getting together in the same room for a Christmas potluck celebration and here I am crying in my office......ugh this whole thing sucks!

Well finally I got a hold of my mom, I know she can always talk sense to me and help calm me down. Not only did she do that, but she said she would give us the $5000 to pay for the medications to continue our last 2 cycles (fresh and FET)!!! I have said before on this blog that my mother is angel, but she really is!! Who else's mom would do this without a single hesitation, and she has offered to try to be a surrogate for us! I am so blessed to have her.

Then Sweetness and I went out to the mall and picked up some Christmas spirit just walking through the crowds and lights. It was a very nice end to a very frustrating day.

So that was my day. Yes, my insurance make a $3000 mistake........ but I was exceedingly blessed by an amazing gift. Thank you Momma- you really are the best mother in the world!

A Snow Day

Hey ladies! I am still here. We have/are getting right now about 4-5" of snow. This is a big deal for us here at teh beach. this never happens. So since I did not have any classes to teach today- I decided to stay home and have myself a snow day.

I have been catching up on everyone's blogs today and there just seems to be so many BFNs lately. It helps me not feel so alone- but I hate that so many of my friends hearts are hurting this way.

Sweetness and I have moments where we still sit and cry together at the unfairness of it all, yet we still manage to keep pressing on and go to work everyday etc. I am just over it all- I don't want to put my body or my husband through another round of IVF but as I have already stated we have to do it to get 1/2 the money back if we don't succeed. So it looks like I will begin cycling in late Jan 2011. Maybe later because I know after the D and C I had last Friday- it will take my body a full 2 months to have a period. I just know how it works around these parts!

I just don't know how we will make it through another Christmas with no baby- and no hope of every having one. I was telling my Mom the other night as I was crying on the phone- that infertility is so ISOLATING!!! I mean we have pulled back form all our friends because we just cant take the baby talk or the kids running everywhere- just such a painful reminder of what you DON'T have and maybe never will. Some of our friends have been understanding and they ache with us- yet some don't understand and to them I say- I didn't need you as a friend anyway.

I pray for all my friends as we are still going though this struggle- esp the ones who follow this blog who have had BFNs in Dec- so close to Christmas. I pray for us all everyday- and I only have a small thread of hope and faith left but I am clinging to it for all of us- that the Lord who blesses people with children will see fit to look upon our tired weary bodies and bless us too.

Love you girls and have a blessed holiday season ! i will be back soon!

I have a perfect uterus..... but no baby......

Well girls, just a quick update- The surgery went well this morning. My RE came out and said my uterus looks beautiful, and the openings/canals leading down to my fallopian tubes both look great. Well isn't that nice? My uterus is perfect, but yet so imperfect that it has not accepted 11 perfect embryos. Ugh.... I can not even begin to express my frustration.

So where we go from here: I wait a month- and hopefully I start on or about Jan. 10th. I probably wont due to I know how stubborn my body is- but nonetheless, I will call him and he will "make" me start. Then we move on to our last fresh IVF cycle. Its scary to think about it- our last one. The money has run out- so this one will be it. And of course we have one more FET with the embryos we make during this fresh cycle.

If these last 2 attempts do not work we will pursue the surrogacy route- with either my mother or a friend. (Maybe this summer).

I am really at the end of my faith and hope- and I never thought I would be saying this. I have truly trusted the Lord my whole life and can look back and see His hand at work in my life- but this thing- this Infertility --has brought me to my knees, to the end of my faith as I question why a loving God whom I have served so faithfully and whole-heartedly would withhold this incredible blessing from us. The Bible says children are a blessing from the Lord- why is He not blessing us? What good possibly comes from my heart and Sweetness' heart aching in this indescribable way??? There are no answers- the silence is deafening some nights.

But we will continue to fight this evil infertility and see if my body will somehow respond and prove me wrong. I love you guys and appreciate all the support- I am just trying to regroup and move on down the road in this journey. I will update again soon.

Love and ***baby dust*** for all of you still struggling also- we are bound together in this pain.

There is a gray film over life

Well we are still here. Some days are better than others. Sweetness and I went to the mall last night and of course had to see a BRAND NEW BABY all dressed up for Santa and fixing to be put on his lap, and of course I just start crying. I looked at Sweetness and said "When will it be our time?" He just put his arm around me and we kept walking......

Nothing about this is fun or fair. I have had some real neat prayer time with friends over the past couple of days and it really means alot. I cant thank you enough to my sweet friends who have taken time out of their lives and cared enough to sit and pray with us and cry with us. I know this will get easier but man it hurts bad.

So today I went for my pre-op visit with my RE. We went over what he is going to do in my surgery Friday, nothing I have not already mentioned here before, and then we will wait a month for me to cycle. So that takes us to Jan. 10th when we will reassess and make me have a cycle if I do not do so on my own. Then we will begin our last fresh IVF cycle under our shared-risk program. Dr. O said he would entertain the surrogate idea with my mom after I have gone through these last 2 attempts and been unsuccessful. I agreed.

I am so not looking forward to any of this anymore- I am burned out and my body is totally spent. I used to be so filled with anticipation- but no more. My RE saw that I am not hopeful at all and he tried to encourage me and said he has plenty of women in my situation and on IVF #5 they got pregnant. I just think I have gone into self-preservation mode and it hurts too bad to have hope anymore. I'm hoping my close friends and the Lord are holding onto the hope FOR me if that makes sense.

I'm sorry I am such a downer right now, I know I will bounce back to my old self, I just need to vent all this stuff out.

Even though this weekend was not so good emotionally, Sweetness and I went and saw some cool Christmas decorations and spent some great time together- so it was not all bad. I DO have the best husband ever- and he makes it all worth while.

Thanks again for my friends that are standing beside us as we walk in this valley, the mountaintop is not far now. Love you guys.

IVF #4- Negative

Well friends, just as I already knew, my beta today was negative. I have sobbed and cried until there are no tears left. I truly don't understand why, maybe I never will, but I do know one thing through all of this. I have an incredible community of friends here on blog.ger and my faceb.ook account. I can not even begin to count how many of you have sent private messages to me and left comments expressing your deep sadness for where we are now. It really means a lot- and I cant thank you enough. I am still reading through all 30 of them- sometimes re-reading them just because they make me feel better!!! :)

So this is the plan...... I am scheduled for a hysteroscopy surgery next Friday, Dec 10th, at 8:30 am. Dr. O will be looking at my uterus, looking for any fibroids, scar tissue, endo, anything he can find that may explain the four failed IVFs. He will also take an endometrial biopsy to see if I have any type of inflammatory situations.

This is not very invasive, so I will have the weekend to recuperate before returning back to work on Monday.

Another interesting thing , is that last night my Mom came over and talked with us for awhile. And if you have not already heard me say this- I really have an angel for a mother- she is such a wonderful person and my best friend. Well get this- she offered to be a surrogate for us!!!!!! I thought it was such a wonderful offer. Because if we could go the surrogate route I feel certain we would have our baby- because we make PERFECT embryos!!!! The issue is clearly with ME- not the embryos.

My mom is a bit overweight- she would need to loose 50 lbs- but other than that she could do this. So she is going to start trying to get ready for this- and meanwhile we have 2 additional attempts we have already paid for that I must proceed with. I mentioned this to Dr. O this morning and he did not want me to even think about this until we finish our last 2 attempts. But they do this often- meaning women that are post-menopausal are able to be returned to a cycling state able to carry a child easily again.

And this may sound desperate0 but hey lets face it-we are desperate. If anyone in my family or friends circle would be willing to be a surrogate for us, we would LOVE to talk with you. If you are still in childbearing age and have had easy pregnancies and would be willing to do this for us- because you want to help us build our family- please let me know. There are several of my friends/family that I feel like could easily be great candidates for us, but it's difficult for us to just out and out ask someone to do this- we dont want to put anyone on the spot. Please prayerfully consider this if you feel the Lord tugging on your heart- and we would honestly never be able to repay your amazing kindness. But I believe something incredibly beautiful can come out of all of this!

Thank you again for your friendship and love and most of all- all the prayers. I know God hears even when our faith has disappeared. We will be parents someday, we just don't know when or how yet.

I'm off to curl up with the most amazing husband ever- with out him, I would truly be lost in this world. Thank you Lord for my Sweetness.

I feel like I am loosing my faith

I am so sad...... I am sitting here at work with tears streaming down my face, and I just wonder why???? WHY????? Why can I not have the joy of a pregnancy, planning for a baby, birth and life with a child of my own????? Why am I putting my body through hell and back and still for NOTHING!!!!! I already know what my beta will say tomorrow...... so please don't try to sugar coat it with "maybe just maybe it will be positive tomorrow". I have thought that myself, and it aches too much to let my heart even try to muster up any more hope.

We still have a fresh cycle that we have paid for, but honestly I don't even want to do it anymore- I am tired of loosing my babies. We have lost 11 now....ELEVEN perfect, healthy babies. Then they are put into me and then they die........ why????

And if one more person says "well you can just adopt"...... really???? Do you have the $30-40,000 needed for that? Do you have it to give to us, after we have already spent well over $60,000 trying to have our own baby????

I know I am being unchristian, ungrateful or what ever you want to call it, but this is how I feel. I am disillusioned with living my life the best way I feel that God wants me to, and I cant have the true desire of my heart. Sweetness is so supportive and yet I know he aches too. I feel bad for telling him how desperate and dark I feel.

I know this is crazy of me to think,. but I really do feel like the Lord has forgotten me or is picking on me. Why does He allow all these women to conceive who don't want the baby, who abort them or otherwise abuse them??? Why does the Lord allow that little life to even be conceived? When we would be wonderful parents and we are continually denied the joy of a BFP. I know, I'll never know the answer this side of heaven.

I'm sorry if I have offened some of you with this post, or if you think differently of me now, but everyone has bad days, and today just happens to be one of my worst.

I don't think any one's heart can be as broken as mine is right now........

I POAS.....

So I could not help myself any longer, and this morning I broke down and POAS.

And it was negative. I am 9dp3dt now, so it should be showing starting today. I am going to try to have an ounce of hope moving into Friday- but not much to be honest. This whole thing is so unfair.

8dp3dt

I must say the 2ww is going by faster than I thought it would. But I just wish I could stay positive throughout the whole 2ww. My positivity waxes and wanes with each breath. I am trying very hard not to POAS, and just wait for the beta on Friday, but its so hard waiting- knowing that one small blood test could totally change your life.

But I know it is all in the Lord's hands now, and maybe just maybe I have 1,2 or THREE precious little ones settling in........ be still my heart.

Ill let you guys know for sure! Until then thank you for the prayers.

5dp3dt

I'm still here....trying so hard to be positive but it so hard sometimes.

I survived Thanksgiving with my crazy family- I stood outside for hours and felt some cramping "down there" so I thought maybe this was working...... so I rested the rest of the night.

Now we are finally home and just relaxing all day. I about had a stroke last night as Auburn killed my Alabama boys....not a good weekend of football!

I must call this week to set up my beta test- Not sure when it is actually, I think Friday...... I will probably pee on a stick before then, so I will keep you posted. Happy Holidays ya'll.

I'm worried....

I am so worried I have hurt the babies..... this is why.

This morning about 5am- my dog Baxter woke me up as he was wretching to throw up- he vomits quite a bit- so I am used to hearing that awful sound. So I throw the covers back and jump up and pick him up while he is wretching to put him on the bathroom floor- to SAVE MY CARPETS!!! Well I succeeded in that- but then I felt some cramping down there and I was not even thinking about being pregnant- So now I am all worried about my embryos.

My dog is not small- he weighs about 50 pounds- but I picked him up and carried him while bent half over- I feel so awful- like such a bad mom. But when you are awoken from a dead sleep, most of us are not thinking too clearly.

So I keep praying that the Lord will protect these little bundles- gosh knows my heart aches to hold them someday. Hope you all have a great Thanksgiving tomorrow- I know I have SO MUCH to be thankful for!

Pregnant!!!....until proven otherwise!!!!

Here they are!!! Our precious babies that are now resting safely in my womb where they belong! Everything went perfect today- no hitches at all!! The doctor even told me that they had all cleaved over night meaning they were all dividing and growing just like they should!! How great is that???

So now the dreaded 2 ww begins.....however with the holidays this week, it should really make it go by much faster! Thanks again everyone for all the prayers, text messages and emails today - you were all with us every step of the way. Grow babies grow!!! Please stay with momma! I will update again soon!

Wonderful News!!

Just a quick update! The doctor called this morning and told us that all 3 of our precious embryos thawed out perfectly and all survived the thaw!!! This is a HUGE answer to prayer and we have been asking God for specifically this very thing- that none would perish in the thawing procedure. Thank you Jesus!

So all hormones look great from yesterday's blood work- we are truly ALL SYSTEMS GO!!!! for transfer on Monday morning!!! We cant believe it is finally here!!! Tomorrow by this time I will be Pregnant until proven otherwise!! YEAHHHHHH!!!

So at this point there is nothing barring us from having this transfer tomorrow morning as expected. This is a true miracle if you knew all the hurdles that we have had to over come!! I feel really bad right now-just overall blah!!! I guess that is to be expected given how many medication I am on.... here is a list:

Love.nox, Prome.trium, proges.terone in oil injections, Viv.elle patches (estrogen), estradiol, Cipro, Serzone, Baby Aspirin, and Synthroid. Wooh- that is alot of junk making me feel so ugh....

But it will all be worth it to have our precious babies.

I will update tomorrow evening and let you know how everything goes, and then we enter the dreaded 2ww......

Thanks again for all the friendships, love and prayers. They sustain us during this difficult journey.

The lining is SUPER thick!!

Quick update!! Went to the doc this morning and my lining has thickened from 4.7 on Monday to 8.5 today!!! That is almost doubled by doubling up in the estrogen! So ALL SYSTEMS ARE A GO for Monday!!!

We are thrilled! Finally got here, ready to get my babies back in me where they belong. When I have more time to update I will tell you more about what the doc said this morning- she believes that I am not ovulating......

Anyway, thank you all for your prayers. We are feeling really good now, and are enjoying seeing His hand all over this, meeting our every need. May God get the glory for all the great things He has done!!!

Monday- come on!!! Bring it!! Our hearts are so ready!

An Update

Hey ladies! Quick update. Yesterday afternoon I went to the doctor for bloodwork and an US. Well I don't know the blood work results yet today, but Dr. O did my US, and I do have a trilaminar lining (which is great), however it is not thick enough at this point. So he has decided for me to be on estrog.en 3 days longer before starting progest.erone. So that means the transfer has been moved from Friday to Monday the 22nd. It is certainly not what we expected, and I already had my sub for my class all lined up, but Sweetness and I trust the Lord, and his TIMING most. We know there is a reason for this change in plans so we accept it with a joyful heart and trust that this will be OUR time!

Thanks fro praying, we go back on Friday morning, and get another scan. I will update you then!

I am still here....and full of hormones!

Hey ladies! I know it has been awhile since I last posted. I am currently right in the middle of my FET. The goal is to receive our 3 precious frozen embryos THIS Friday!!!! We are real excited! I tell you tough I have been feeling quite yuck through out this cycle. I mean the hormones from the patches are making me super cranky and all over not feeling well.

So Sweetness and I are headed to the doctor this afternoon to sign all the consents for thawing and all that good stuff. They will look at my lining and take blood. Please pray everything is right on track and that this cycle- the 4th time we have done IVF would result in our miracle! I am so tired really, I told Sweetness this weekend that I am just not sure I can do this anymore- I mean it is SO HARD on your body. And lately I have been worrying that all this hormone replacement through IVF over and over could lead to me getting breast or ovarian cancer in the future..... *Sigh**

But everything else is going great!! This past weekend we traveled to Maryland where Sweetness grew up, for his best friend's 40th Birthday party. It was really fun and he was totally surprised, but man 5 hours there and 5 hours back was just a loooonnnngggg weekend, and now here I sit at work on Monday at 7am- and I am wiped out!!!

But I am just focusing on this week- on Friday- and praying that all 3 babies survive the thawing process and that by December we can celebrate a new chapter in our lives! Thank you to all my sweet girlfriends who have encouraged, prayed and lifted me and Sweetness up in this very hard period as we wait on the Lord!

Bra-ha-ha

Okay ladies, I have been promising this post for some time now, and today I actually had time to get ALL these pics uploaded. Warning: this post is filled with many pictures!!

About a month ago, a really neat exhibit came through our area called the Bra-ha-ha. This is a neat exhibit where many local organizations and people have taken a bra and decorated it with something neat or funny or sentimental to them. They were all put in this ginormous collection that tours around for people to look at. The purpose of this is to raise money and awareness for Breast Cancer Awareness month in October. I thought it was really neat!!!! Disclaimer: I did not see it said no photos until I was uploading them and blew them up. Oops!

One last thing before I get to the pictures of all these fun bras~ hanging around the neck of the mannequin of each bra is a card that you can read if you click on the picture and blow it up. On the card it has some neat facts about the making or inspiration about that particular bra! ENJOY!!!

There were so many......

Over 200 bras......

So I took only a small collection of pictures of the really cool ones!

Starting off with the "Candle-bra"

The "Blue-footed pheasants"

A true "pear"

A perfect couple

The "cupcakes"

A "Faceb.ook" bra

A "Fairy tale"

In memory of....

An this is one called "Forget-me -not" It was actually the winning bra of them all.

Sorry it is blurry, all of these were taken on my iPhone.

The "Girl Scouts" bra

The Halloween bra

"Keeping it together"

The "Lady Ga-Ga" bra LOL

"Today is a gift"

The Minnie-mouse bra

"Don't focus on the negatives"

A Nurses' bra

Spring Flowers

"Pearls of Wisdom"

"Perky Pennies"

A Lego bra

Red-White- and Blue bra

The Sandbridge beach bra

I remember the story about this one. Basically the woman that designed this bra was diagnosed with breast cancer and given several months to live. She spent her days walking on Sandbridge beach and relaxing her mind and being stress-free. She actually beat the cancer and this was over 20 years ago. Such a nice story.

"Sea-shells"

"Something blue"

"In full bloom"

The Starbucks bra

Mirror-image

A Penny for your thoughts

VA oncology group made this one

White ballet

"White chocolate"

So there you have them, the fun bras of the Bra-ha-ha exhibit. I hope you enjoyed them they were so fun to look at while walking through them!

On the IVF front, things are going well as I am continuing to prepare my body to receive our little bits on Nov. 19th!!! I am still taking Baby aspirin, Love.nox injection, and Viv.elle patches each day. Feeling cautiously optimistic, just don't want the heartbreak again.

Thank you for all the prayers..... He hears them all!!! Love you guys!

Some really great news!!!

As I blogged yesterday afternoon, I finally "started"!!! I have never gone 60+ days in my life! I have no idea why this happened like this, other than God's timing is perfect- and maybe , just maybe, it was to bring us to this special moment in time that will turn into our "time."

So I called the clinic to report Day 1- and poof!! Just like that I am on all these meds preparing my body to receive my precious babies. OK here it is: last night I started Love.nox 40mg each night, applied 2 Viv.elle patches, started baby aspirin a day, and prometr.ium progesterone. I could not believe how quick we are back in the IVF saddle again!

So I have a specific protocol to follow for the next 15 days, and then our transfer will be Friday, November 19th!! I am so excited again!!

Talking to my Sweetness last night, we both are happy to be back actually doing something to make our baby a reality. The waiting is agony, really it is!

One more thing that I would like to mention, is Sweetness just found out he tested positive fro an antibody marker for Lup.us. The doc said it was a very low titer- but he has never tested positive for it before. So because he has such a bad family history of genetic immunological issues (his mom died of rheumatoid arthritis in the lungs, and one brother has rheu.matoid arthritis pretty bad), they are sending him to a Rheumat.ologist to have it checked out. Of course he is nervous, but I am asking my prayer warriors to please offer up a prayer on behalf of my precious husband, that this would not be anything serious.

Thank you again for all the encouraging words- maybe just maybe this is it! Love all you girls and I promise to do those blog posts I keep promising and then never get them done! Life is too busy! :) Have a remarkable, fantastic, and super duper day!!!

Can it really be????

OK ladies- I can hear the angels singing down here!!!! Hallelujaer Hallelujer...... It looks as if the period that never was going to show again, has finally appeared today and I have never been so happy about AF in my life!!!!! :))))))

So now, we can move on to the FET protocol! Thank you Lord!!!!

Frustrated and tired of waiting....

Well today is Halloween- a day I do not celebrate in any way. I just hate everything associated with it. I don't begrudge anyone who chooses to celebrate it, but I just HATE this holiday.

But I have been in a bit of a cranky mood today, partly because I hate this day, and partly because I am sooooooo frustrated! I mean I am trying really hard to be patient, but I am now on cycle day like 60!!! I don't ever remember a time when my body has done this.....never! And because we are waiting to do our FET, it seems like my body WILL NOT cooperate! I have already taken a full course of Prove.ra and have waited the 2 weeks after the drug course to start and still......nothing!

I am not thinking about it all the time, I'm really not- It is just something that at the end of the day I think of and am like "I really haven't started today again?" Just so aggravated!!!

But a highlight of the weekend, was Sweetness and I went to a HUGE outlet mall yesterday about an hour and half from our house and got ALL our Christmas shopping done! Yes that's right, DONE!!!!! We also went to a Yankee Candle Factory outlet that is Christmas themed all year long and it was amazing!! I took tons of pictures and I will do that post sometime tomorrow at work, hopefully!

Thank you all for your faithfulness to pray for us even when I have not been updating my blog here much, but there really is not much going as we sit and wait for AF ya know? But I am still trying to stay current on all of your postings! Thanks again for the prayers and thoughts- they mean a lot to the both of us.

I will try to be in a better mood tomorrow, after all its November tomorrow and I am putting up my Christmas tree tomorrow evening-so I have a full 2 months to enjoy it!! Call me crazy or whatever- but WE LOVE CHRISTMAS SO MUCH !!!!!

Until next time- Prayers for all my friends waiting too- Lord Jesus please open our barren wombs!

Cycle Day 53..... seriously!

Wow- I am so sorry. I have not been on blog.ger in like 2 weeks. I am so busy and then so tired in the evening. There is not much to say. I have finished my course of Pro.vera to start bleeding, but of course NOTHING!!!! I think something is seriously wrong with my body. I mean really, I am on like day 53!!!! UGH!!!!

So if I never start, we will never have our frozen cycle!!!
I WILL CATCH UP ON ALL YOUR BLOGS SOON, BEAR WITH ME! AND THANKS AGAIN FOR ALL THE SWEET COMMENTS AND PRAYERS. THEY ARE SO UPLIFTING!!!

Cycle Day 48!!!!

To say I am frustrated beyond belief would be a HUGE understatement. I STILL have not started, and I am on day 8 of Prov.era. They said it is normal to not start bleeding until after you finish the full 10 pill course, but man I am frustrated. So I have been staying really busy since so as to not concentrate too much on this cycle that can never seem to get started.

I will let you know for sure when we start doing something!!!

In other news, Sweetness and I are doing really well. We are both working hard and then we have started walking in the evening trying to get in better shape for when we get our baby!

Something new we have started doing.....we put some old electronics on Craig.slist and have made a ton of money! It has been such a nice surprise. It really is a cool deal, you have old stuff you are no longer using, and the other person gets something they want at a really good price!
We have made so much money that we actually broke down and bought ourselves an iPad that we have been wanting!

Sweetness and I are being good little children and sharing only one iPad between the two of us. It does do some really cool stuff, and the size is perfect, but I have to say I thought it was going to DO something supercool that other mac gadgets dont do. It really does not do anything more than my iPhone 4 does, and it even does not have a camera. But Sweetness loves it, and anything that makes him happy ,makes me happy!

Tomorrow I will do a cool post with TONS of pictures of a very neat fund raiser for Breast Canc.er that has been touring in our area called the Bra-ha-ha. People have taken bras and decorated them with themes....and boy are they CUTE!! So stay tuned, and I will get it completed by tomorrow, as blogger is not allowing uploading of pics for the next couple of hours to due site maintenance.

Just wanted to let you all know we are still here, just kind of in an intermission stage at the present, must amazingly we are at PEACE!!! Love you guys! :)

A New plan!

Well guys this has been a crazy day from start to finish. So I have a few things to tell you.

I posted last time that I am soooo late- so yesterday I said I was going to call the nurse. So I did and she said my Dr wanted me to come in and have an US and blood work to see what my body is doing. They then informed me that it would not be covered under my "shared risk" program. So it would be $220 for an US, and $150 for blood work. I told them I could not afford that right now, so I would just continue to wait, hopefully AF would show eventually.

But the more I thought about it, I got mad. I called back and told my RE's nurse that I just paid you guys $29,000 and you cant give me an extra US to figure out where we are going from here. REALLY????!!! She then talked to the RE and he said he absolutely would help me and do it for free. THAT"S WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT!!!!!

I went directly to the clinic and the US showed a very thick lining, and 3 follicles which are preventing me from bleeding. Soooooo, my RE gave me a Rx for Prove.ra to make me bleed. Then we decided since my body typically has the very long cycles, and we don't want to have a cycle in the middle of the this cryo cycle- we are going to start the Vive.lle patches the day I start bleeding with the Po.vera. So all of that to say..... our transfer of our 3 frozen embies will be in about approximately 3 weeks!

I am excited, but not overly so. I guess I am just trying to protect myself here. I don't know how much more heartbreak my little fragile heart can take.

And BTW- yet another pregnancy announcement this week. My 20-something cousin is now preggers with her 3rd baby. I talked to her and and asked her if this was an "oops"- because she previously said she was done. And she tells me "Oh yes, total mistake! Birth control doesn't work for me (she got pregnant with baby #2 on BCP) and so we were using other methods, and we think the condom broke." Really???? I just cant believe people can be this fertile! It is so foreign to me that people can get pregnant so easily. She then stated she was not really that excited...... are you kidding me? I would DIE for that feeling- literally DIE for the feeling of knowing I was pregnant just once!!! I will NEVER ever take even one moment being pregnant for granted. **Sigh**

So we are moving forward and feeling good- tempered hope and lots of joy!

In other news, I went to my pain doctor again today, and he changed my medication again still trying to find the right one with no little side-effects, that's safe during pregnancy and that cuts this horrific nerve pain. So he gave me a Rx for a long-acting pain medication. I went to Walgr.een's to get it filled and it was $1298.00!!!! Seriously! I was floored, and even with my insurance my copay was $200! I can not even begin to guess how much money I have spent on doctors visits, procedures, physical therapy, and medication etc. on this neck injury the past 4 years.

I am definitely crying out to God for total healing. I would appreciate any prayers you may offer up on my behalf asking the Lord to heal my neck. This pain has been so severe this past 3 weeks, I go to work and come straight home and lay on my back on a heating pad on my neck all night. I want to do all this stuff with my amazing husband and go for evening walks now that it is cooler etc. and I just cant. Hopefully this new medicine will help. I will let you know~ Thanks ahead of time for all your prayers!

I hope all you guys are well, I am still following your blogs and praying for you too as we all dream of the day we get our BFP!!! Thanks again for all your support, I don't know what I would do without you all to vent to! It great to know there are women out there that truly understand all these crazy emotions that go along with this rollercoaster we are on. Ya'll have a fabulous and fantastic Friday tomorrow :)

Still waiting

Ok, I still have no AF!!! I am on day like 41!!! This I believe is at the root of my infertility. My hormones and schedule are so irregular! I am kind of worried, and also kind of over the whole thing.

So its not that I have quit blogging, but I don't have much to say these days and they continue to pass by and nothing!! I will update when I know more- I am going to call the doctor today and see what he thinks.

Have a great Wednesday ya'll!

On My Knees

Well the days have been really flying by. I cant believe another week is almost over!

We have a tentative plan. We are waiting for AF to show, I'm now on day 35, I wont even bother with a HPT, we all know what it will say anyways. So whenever I do start, we will begin BCPs, and then after 2 weeks on them, we begin Lupron for 2 weeks. Then hopefully have a period, then start the Vivelle patches. gradually increasing my estrogen to mimic a normal cycle. My RE is doing all this to suppress my ovaries to be sure I don't bleed in the middle of the cycle again!

We feel hopeful, but in an odd way at peace. I am not allowing this to consume my every thought and I don't feel so stressed. Sweetness and I have bonded over this struggle with infertility. He and I have really cemented our marriage and our bond with one another- and we will last a lifetime for SURE- maybe even an eternity! I love him with everything I am, I can not imagine being more in love with someone than I am with him. And to think I never thought he would show up in my life- but here he is. Going through this is hard enough without having a husband that is checked out of the process. I am truly blessed in my marriage.

So I don't know how many of you watched the "Rally to restore America" hosted by Glenn Beck in August. But one wonderful thing he said in that speech was to pray openly on your knees and let your children see you on your knees so they will learn to acknowledge the Lord's sovereignty. Well I pray all the time, but after he said that, I thought "You know , I should really pray on my knees more".

I have started doing that more and more, and just the act of kneeling in submission to a holy, amazing God has really been awesome! It has given me a new appreciation for prayer and the power it can have in one's life! I know God hears me, I know He sees our pain, and he will fulfill our dreams and desires with what is best for us, I know that full well.

Sweetness and I pray nightly together, but I also think its important for every one to have their own individual prayer time with the Lord. So my knees are blistered, but there is no better ache than to kneel before the King!

I hope you guys have a great week! Thank you for all your prayers on your knees on our behalf! God hears them all!

My first visit with Brehanna

This past Friday I was off from work as it was the end of the 5 week term at work. So I decided to finally go visit my good friend Robin and her new baby Brehanna. I have not been over because of my obvious pain, but it was time for me to put the pain away and go celebrate the miracle of life with my friend. Here is Robin and her precious one.
Then it was my turn to hold her. I held her for about an hour, and it felt wonderful! There were certainly some tears, but it was so nice. When I first started holding her, she was wide awake and smiling at me! Then I rocked her to sleep, but it was truly a wonderful feeling to hold a newborn.

And here she is when she was wide awake, and talking to me..... looking perplexed here.....

then, kind of excited.....


Tthis was their 1 yr old dog Bailey. Boy was she hyper! She was fun to play with and I played fetch with her after holding the baby. Cute doggie!

This was such a nice visit, such a much-needed visit. I have not had a real long face-to-face talk with a close friend about this heart-wrenching journey I am on, until that day. I cried, she cried with me, and we felt the hand of God. It was food for my soul.....

Appt with Dr. O

Well today was our "what the...?" appointment. Sweetness and I sat in his VERY hot office, anxiously anticipating what he might say. Will he have good news? bad news? or still something in between as fall into the "I have no idea why you are not pregnant" yet.

Well we actually got some of all three. We looked back at our last cycle and the great part is, my embryos are PERFECT, no fragmenting, all 8 cells, just PERFECT!! The not so good is that my lining seems to want to give us trouble (hence me having a period in the middle of the last IVF cycle). And then everything else was in the "unexplained infertility" category. He feels very positive that we will get pregnant. But due to the period I had in the middle of last cycle, he is going to suppress my ovaries for a longer period of time for this upcoming cryo cycle than usual.

After this appointment, Sweetness and I went to the glitzy mall in that area of town, and walked together and shopped some. I thought then and there- "I really have an incredible life." No one has as wonderful of a husband as i do, no one has the mother I have, I mean I have SOOOO much to be thankful for!! SO it was a nice evening.

Sooooo the plan is whenever I start AF in early October, I will begin BCPs followed by Lupron etc, and looking to have a cryo transfer on Nov, 5-18 some where in there. I was shocked that it will still take so long, but I am working on getting healthier and praying with all our heart that this will work.

We also discussed the fact that if this cryo does not work, and we move onto another fresh cycle, we may use an antagonist protocol with Lupron and will try to do a Day 5 blastocyst transfer. We have a plan at least, boy it just seems to be a long way off yet!

The Lord has really given me a sense of peace about all this. My heart still aches when the pregnancy announcements come in our circle of friends (there were 2 this past week....seriously), but I still feel that the Lord will not leave us in this pain. He will bless us one way or another.

I have gotten so much better emotionally, that I am going over to my good friend Robin's house on Friday to see her newborn Brehana. It has been so painful to watch her and her husband get married after us and have this precious miracle, I think partly because we were so close, it hurt more. But I am so happy for them, and that baby is precious. Hopefully I will hold her without breaking down, and will take some pictures to show you here (if her mama says it OK) he he.

Thanks again for all the support offered here, I know many of you are still waiting as are we. See the beauty in everyday life, and some of the pain will ease. He sees our every tear.

Our first adoption meeting

Well as you all know last night we attended our first adoption meeting. I wish I had something exciting to say, but we left there feeling deflated! I mean seriously with all the children that need a home, and they make this so freaking expensive!!! $33,000 for a domestic infant adoption. Yep, $33,000!!!!

I mean just to start you have to give them $1000 for the application. Then another $1000 for the full application, the $3000 for the home study.....and there it begins. ARGHHH..... I mean we have just about bankrupted ourselves with IVF and such and now we do not even have a hope of adopting. Sure there are grants and loans out there for adoption, but we make WAY too much money to qualify for them. And this place we went is a christian organzation, which we like, however they state they are not for profit. But as Sweetness pointed out, then why are the base adoption fees on a sliding scale based on income? And of course we are on the highest bracket.

We both felt just Blech! after leaving there, and just regrouped and said now we just focus on the 3 tries we have left at our IVF.

I have to believe God has a plan! I have to! We love babies and children too much to believe the Lord wants our life to be just the 2 of us. So barring an act form God, we will not be adopting. Next Tuesday we have a meeting with our RE to discuss our FET in a couple weeks. Hopefully we can set up a better plan.

I know you guys were waiting for some news, so I wanted to give you an update. I am at work on a short break, so gotta run. Thanks again for all the prayers. We trust the Lord that He has a beautiful plan for our life- can't wait to see it unfold!